Wednesday, October 31, 2012

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The Definitive List Of The Worst Halloween Candy You Can Ever Receive

It's that time of year again. The time where you're just trying to get home after a tough day at the office, but can't seem to avoid adults talking about their kids for Halloween. "My son is this", "My daughter is that", blah blah blah. Don't you get it, old man? I have no idea what Yo Gabba Gabba is and frankly it sounds like the stupidest shit of all time. It's also the time of year where you reflect on the days where you dressed up like an asshole and accosted people for chocolate and corn syrup.

These are the candies that worked hard to ruin your holiday, in order:

5) Mounds
Fucking Mounds, Man. Outrageous how coconuts just weaseled their way into a candy bar and were allowed to flourish. Irresponsible move by the candy making industry. Threw these out immediately when I got home.

4) Smarties
I get it. The cashflow isn't moving in as quickly this month, but don't insult me. Give me a Dum-Dum or something. I need a candy that I can work with. Smarties are awful. There is no distinguishing the flavors and in the event you actually attempt to eat them, they all fall on the floor and get lost under the couch.

3) Whoppers
If you can successfully tell me what a "malted milk ball" is without sounding like a liar and a con-artist, I'll give you a dollar. Shit sounds disgusting and downright hazardous to a growing child's health. Any time CVS is selling a bag of 20000 Whoppers for $0.99, you know what's going on.

2) Almond Joy
The only thing worse and more wrong than putting cocunut inside a chocolate bar is putting almonds inside of a chocolate bar. Don't infringe my rights by forcing healthy food into my grill. I choose not to eat almonds because I eat like a degenerate. You don't see them putting cauliflower inside of a Big Mac, so don't put god damn almonds in my chocolate. Oh yeah, I wrote a blog on this too.

1) Tootsie Roll
Lazy, bitter, old, and fucking confused. That's what you have to be if you are putting a Tootsie Roll into a small, innocent child's Halloween bag tonight. For the people that say, "What, Dub? It's chocolate", shut up. If a Tootsie Roll is chocolate, A Working Man's Diary is worth 2 Billion Euros. It's like the hot dog of candy. It's bits in pieces of all the worst edible things in the world with brown food coloring. I knew things were bad for Tootsie rolls when I saw them in a store being sold for a penny. Don't be the person that ruins a kids Halloween.

As soon as I have a mortgage and a neighborhood, you best believe I'm distributing jawbreakers and lemon Warheads. Bastard of the neighborhood.

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