Tuesday, October 9, 2012

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Never Read "Red Rain", But I Already Know It's The Scariest Book That Was Ever Written In The History Of Literature


So many thoughts, ideas, and grievances flowing through my head right now that I barely know what to say:

-R.L. Stine was NOT a pen name.
-He actually might be the most Jewish person of all-time.
-It's incomprehensible that he was a New York Times Bestseller.
-"Red Rain" is 100% a never-released "Goosebumps" title about a town that rained blood.
-The review on the front highlights "real characters", because R.L. is grown now and doesn't want to talk about murderous sponges and Camp Jelly Jam.

But enough with the riff-raff, let's talk about what really needs to be discussed: "Night of the Living Dummy 2." That shit was the scariest, most life-altering book I have ever read. Had me sleeping in my parents' bed like a bitch and explaining to them how a doll was going to kill me. It wasn't until Dad gave me the PG version of the "if you can't beat the shit out of a ventriloquist dummy, I will basically disown you" speech that I was able to continue living my life.

As far as I'm concerned, Goosebumps were adult novels and there was no reason that I or any other kid should have read that shit. What's next? Count Chocula popping up on True Blood? Animorphs getting remastered by the bitch that wrote "50 Shades of Grey"?

Nothing about this was TV Y-7:


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  1. FFW said... October 24, 2012 at 12:33 AM

    I thought, "if you can't beat the shit out of a ventriloquist dummy, I will basically disown you" WAS the PG version.

    I *might* be parenting wrong.

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