Tuesday, December 27, 2011

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Friends Ask Dub: "What Do You Have Against Almond Joy?"

^this is the most unprofessional, unoriginal, uninspiring candy bar wrapper I've ever seen in my entire life.

What do I have against Almond Joy?! I honestly thought this was a joke after I berated the idea of an almond based candy on my Twitter (@WMsDiary). You heard correctly..almond based. I didn't know almonds still existed. Thought they all just picked a day and decided to stop growing. One of my coworkers asked if I wanted one this afternoon and I legitimately said, "They still make those?" with the most genuinely puzzled expression on my face. No one understood my confusion and I ended up looking like an asshole.

So where do I begin? For starters, that wrapper sucks. It's the most default design I've ever seen. No one took initiative and everyone wanted to get out at 5:00pm the day that shit was designed. Next, almonds. Almonds are the worst thing to ever be ingested by the human population. Throwing melted chocolate on top doesn't solve any problems. An ugly person in a mask is still an ugly person. I can't tell you how many "mixed nuts" packages were utterly ruined by the inclusion of like 3 unnecessary almonds. Everyone's content with some peanuts, cashews, walnuts, and even tough ass pistachios. Throw an almond in there and you might as well throw-up in the container. Even if I got smashed in the head with a crowbar and thought it was a good idea to purchase an Almond Joy, I'm pretty sure convenience stores don't even sell these anymore. I think you have to order them from the warehouse or some shit, which in itself is absolutely ridiculous. Shout out to my 70+ year old readers that are reading this with a scowl and an Almond Joy in hand. Have fun casually choking every 2 minutes because the molars can't quite crush almonds that well.

The real question should have been: "If presented with these two options, which do you take: 25 King-Size Almond Joy bars or a cyanide pill" That would have been a three word answer, "Cyanide pill please."

PS. I can fuck with coconut

2 Reactions to this post

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  1. Anonymous said... December 28, 2011 at 7:55 AM

    thank you for attacking this awful "candy"

  2. CW said... December 28, 2011 at 1:53 PM

    "Almonds are the worst thing to ever be ingested by the human population. Throwing melted chocolate on top doesn't solve any problems."

    I'm fine with hating on Almond Joy, but almonds in general? Hershey's with Almonds is fire. Candy Bar Perfection.

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