Tuesday, December 20, 2011

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Haven't Successfully Wrapped A Gift In My Life

You see that piece of shit wrap job up there? Multiply it by 1000, think of one of your most painful memories and you have yourself a run-of-the-mill Dub J wrap job.

Here's a quick little personal aside that I shouldn't say on a blog, but may explain why I'm not exactly the most gifted wrapper. When I was home for Thanksgiving break, I was looking through some old boxes because my Mom moved them out of the closet while she was cleaning. After snooping for a few minutes I found my "Life Proficiency" test that they give little kids before they go to kindergarten. Two enormous red flags popped up. 1) Issues in social situations and 2) Inability to understand spacial relationships. Props to Mom for staying mum on the fact that I was kind of retarded.

"Issues in social situations" can be explained based on the fact that I was an only child and better explained based on the fact that I have a blog that displays a very concerning God complex. Red flag #1 was to be expected, but #2 was very alarming. I have distinct memories of having absolutely NO idea how to deal with that "Put the Correct Shape In the Correct Hole" game (there's a sex joke in there somewhere). Literally just rammed the square peg into the circle hole until the game broke or I started crying. Obviously things improved, but I guess the one remainder is the fact that my brain can't comprehend wrapping a fucking gift. Even on layup wrap jobs like a DVD or a Playstation game, I end up using like 26 feet of wrapping paper and a football field worth of tape. Don't even get me started on wrapping clothes--that shit's like trying to squeeze water. Scissors also play a crucial role in causing me to suffer at least one minor injury a year too. Bloody blobs of gifts that overall fuck up the decor of the tree is NOT a good look.

Maybe I'll be a bag guy this year? Do people hate bags? People have to hate bags...fuck.

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