Thursday, December 1, 2011

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Huffington Post's "7 Ways To Stay Happy This Winter" Is So Offensively Wrong It Makes My Head Hurt

^literally have all of these symptoms for like 10 months of the year

So I'm balls deep in Seasonal Affective Disorder right now and don't hesitate to click random articles that claim they can beat "The Winter Blues." They're mostly general, but sometimes they drop some decently helpful gems to prevent me from writing DARK blogs about killing myself. I don't know how, but this article has set me back in my quest to beat SAD by about 15 years. Let's take a look at some of these methods:

1) "Check your vitamin levels"--If you gave me every possible resource in the world and like 8 vitamin-level specialists, I guarantee you I won't be able to find out my vitamin level. I eat oatmeal for breakfast, so I think I'm doing alright. Insane request.

2) "Take a long walk"--While walking aimlessly through subzero temperatures truly sounds like a blast, I'm going to have to pass. Too many video games to play, blogs to write, TV to watch, and naps to take. There's just no room for walking.

3) "Don't fight the crowds--Shop smart"--Though I'm on the outside looking in, Black Friday is kind of awesome. Has a real apocalyptic feel to it. So in the event that I did actually shop, it'd be in the warzone with all the other lunatics. Brass knuckles and molotav cocktails.

4) "Eat brain-healthy foods"--Da fuck is a brain-healthy food? Please God tell me somewhere within the Pizza, Burgers, Burritos, Quesadillas, Subs, and Gummy Bears spectrum of my diet there is a hint of brain-juice in there.

5) "Volunteer"--I don't think I even need to get into this one. Let's put it like this, anytime I've volunteered for something, I feel that distinct fear a person gets when they know they've done something wrong. Shouldn't be going through fight or flight when I'm tending the soup kitchen.

6) "Snack Healthy"--Today I looked in the fridge and saw a sub that may or may not have been mine and thought, "I don't have a lot of information on this sandwich, but for some reason that's not stopping me from wanting to eat it." Then I eat it, wait an hour, and if I'm okay, it was a success. Snacking healthy like a fucking bawse.

7) "Pace yourself with drinking"--Pardon? You're telling me, Huffington Post, that wasn't a joke? Just looking me right in the eye and lying to my face. It's like I'm reading The Onion right now and can't tell right from left. When you end it by basically saying, "don't drink too much when it's the winter and just about everyone is depressed" you offend me, my blog, and everything I'm about.

There you have it. Goes to show that if you're alive, have like 3 working fingers, no brain, and a keen sense of not having any idea what society is thinking, a job in the Huffington Post "healthy living" section is the right place for you.

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