If Only I Could Be Trained By Tony Perkis

Remember Ben Stiller in Heavyweights as Camp Director Tony Perkis...He may have been too hard on Goldberg and the other the fat kids at camp but I think I could handle his methods. As a matter of fact it might just be the best thing for me to get back in shape.

For those who don't already know...I'm not what you would call a good "self-motivator." Doesn't help that my thought process for dinner starts roughly 45 minutes after lunch break is over. It'd be much easier to focus if a frustrated Tony Perkis was waiting outside to hit the gym everyday after work.

Definitely one of Stillers top roles by the way. Glad to see this movie still gets the occasional 2 pm filler slot on a hungover Sunday/Monday. Stay tuned for a productive work week ahead.

I Miss Bill Walton Commentary So Much

I'm a simple guy. I like long weekends, McDonald's, and bat-shit crazy basketball announcers that compare marginal players to centuries-old sculptures.

Let me get some Bill Walton gems for you guys from themoviemind.com:

“You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. As if Michelangelo was reading and a lightning bolt flashed before him.”--Vlad Radmanovic's stats last year: 6 ppg, 4 rpg, 38% FG

“If Eric Piatkowski continues playing at this level, he’s going to replace Jerry West on the NBA logo.”--Hmm, his stats read off with a career average of 7 ppg.

“Patrick Ewing used to be much better in every aspect of the game.”-Damn, I thought Pat Chewing was pretty decent.

On Larry Johnson’s lackluster performance in the NBA Finals: “What a pathetic performance by this sad human being. This is a disgrace to the game of basketball and to the NBA. He played like a disgrace tonight. And he deserved it.”--Jesus Bill.

Wow. I recommend you check out the rest of those quotes, but yea, I'll see you bozos back on the 9-5 grind tomorrow. Don't forget your cyanide pills.

Hey North Korea, We Give Up

OK, we get it North Korea. We at WMD are waving the figurative white flag. I've been consistently wondering how a country the size of a pinpoint on the map can have so much power. Plus their leader looks like a huge lesbian. On the outside, they really have nothing going for them, but then you dig deep and things start to make a little more sense. There have to be roughly 5 nukes per city block. It's like Starbucks down there.

My friend played this for me and I thought it was fake/only 30 seconds long/terrifying. Chick/potential dude definitely breaks it down.

Gearing Up for the Hot Dog Eating Contest

4th of July. That time where us Americans get together and crush beers, burgers and french fries as we light shit up and watch the sky sparkle. At the peak of independence day BBQ activities, don't be surprised to catch me inside on the couch watching the most thrilling and underrated event of the year...

The Annual Nathan's July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest

Last year Joey Chestnut represented the U.S. well, downing 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes to stand alone at the top of the record books while earning his third straight title over Takeru Kobayashi. The Japanese phenom may opt out of this year’s contest due to a recent "injury." New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg shared his opinions on the matter, saying "well, you know what they say: If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen."

Despite the clear advantage going to Joey "Jaws" with Kobayashi out of the picture, look for Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas to step up and pose a threat. The 98-pound garbage disposal is the number five competitive eater in the United States, ranked sixth in the world with 29 world titles. As always, our friends at ESPN will be providing the coverage in Cony Island. Happy 4th from WMD.

Tensions...Getting High

In just a few short hours, workers everywhere are going to snap. The most worth-it long weekend of the year is slightly upon us. I was telling co-blogger Craw that even within my office shit is just not getting done (hence the post). Dude I’m sitting near just decided to stare down a healthy stack of files on his desk, open his drawer, and toss every file into the drawer. While I was in awe I didn’t completely lose it until I saw his next move. The bold son of a bitch decided to just open up a game of Text Twist. Granted, he’s been here longer than me and has accomplished a lot, but that’s just mailing in a workday because as we all know, you can’t play just one game of Text Twist. The next move he can possibly make is play the game with the sound on. That’d just be ridiculous. A sign that he may quite possibly be hammered. I’m reasonably sure I heard him mumble that he was going to a bar for his lunch break.

Didn’t think he was serious. Any who, it’s going dizzown tonight!

PS. Yes, that is a still shot from the "Tipsy" music video.

Offer Is On The Table, LeBron

In light of the chaos that's about to ensue this NBA offseason, I figure it's only appropriate for me to draw up a proposal for LeBron James to consider working under WMD. Every NBA organization has to be throwing some kind of offer towards the 2X MVP, so why not get in on the action. Without further ado, my pitch to King James.

LeBron, as an entry level young professional, I'd be willing to offer an unpaid internship with a potential salary later to be determined within the next two years.  Can't promise the best health insurance or dental plan, but the work environment is better than sub-par.

Before we continue, it's vital for you to be proficient in Microsoft Word and Excel. Get familiar with blogger templates and draft up a few design ideas. We're highly aware of your marketing capabilities. Social media would be you're biggest focus. LBJ@WMD facebook, twitter, squidoo, the works. Overtime work will consist of accompanying Dub Jeezy and I around at the bars to give us a better chance at the females. Take it or leave it.

Regards,

Working Man's Diary Corporation

But honestly though, if I was a multi-billionaire why not offer one of these mega-free agents a max+ contract to take care of my busy work for fun. Carlos Boozer - would you mind faxing this over for me? Thanks bud. Yo D-Wade - what's good with lunch? Dirk - on your way out can you grab me a case of beer...much appreciated. Just another reason why the world is better off while I still have no money.

Wanna See A Shit Ton Of Animals Fighting?

Always a big day on the diary when we get a Rock Band related video AND a shit ton of animals fighting. Just different animals from all over the place fighting in strange locations they don't normally live.

Can bears beat anything? I'm pretty sure they're the most awesome animal in the game right now. A buddy of mine is considering a tattoo. Stick with me here. He wants to get a tattoo titled the "Heart of the Bear." Basically just a picture of a bear's face on his heart. Yeah...

Possibly The Only Good Thing To Come Of The World Cup

I went to GameStop today and put down $1000 to reserve a game that 100% does not exist. You know why? Because it's practical. You best believe the kid is going figuratively play it on expert though because I do not half anything Rock Band related (except singing, that shit is biased against good voices). You guys are invited to play with me, but I am pretty sure there is one controller for this and it will most likely be used for funneling. Strictly.

Wonder Woman Sucks Now

As much as I didn't read comic books or relate myself to Wonder Woman in any way, I have to admit I was surprisingly crushed with this huge costume change. Weird or not, the old costume was pretty sexy.

Let's talk about repercussions on society. Halloween. Scallywags, slags, and skankaloons alike will be puzzled at their options for costumes. Wonder Womans was always the fall back for girls that lacked creativity, had great bodies, or were just dumb as shit...or a combination of all of those. Seriously, what are the alternatives? Nurses are awesome, but when you see like 7 of them in a row, you only become mildly turned on by a nurse outfit at the end of the night.

So thanks bold artist who just changed like 75 years of normal shit.

What's Up Free Agency?

I know Dirk's ready and so am I. Apparently the NBA is flipping upside down and if this guy somehow sneaks on the Boston Celtics, I will make it my duty to you guys to appear in this picture next year.

PS. The odds that LeBron comes to the Magic (according to ESPN) is .098%. Shit's awful, but the idea of Chris Paul, LeBron, and Dwight Howard is getting me all hot and bothered.