United We Stand

As a nation, we were sucker punched, knocked down and broken.  We mourned and will continue to mourn those that we lost and honor those who risked their lives to save others.  One thing that was never broken, though, was our resolve.  The Freedom Tower represents all of that.  It represents that infamous day.  It represents the lives that ended too soon.  It represents the fact that there are real life super heroes among us.

We cleaned our wounds, got back up and rebuilt.  Because that's what we do.

Poo-Pourri Just Flipped The Entire Poop Game Upside Down

^Girls pooping is NEVER funny and not real. Like unicorns.

As embarrassing as this sounds, my life has significantly changed based on this information.  Like drastically.  One time, I almost jumped  two stories out of my girlfriend's bathroom window to run to a CVS, buy a Febreeze and come back before she thought I died.  It got THAT real.  First, let's address a few things:

1) 

Concept is good, but the execution is fucking preposterous.  Does Poop Spray now belong on the "leaving the house checklist" with Wallet/Phone/Keys?  I simply can't imagine worse things falling out of your pocket than poop-cover up spray.  Social suicide.

2) 

This might be the most disgusting picture that I have ever seen.

3) 

Quite possibly the most well reviewed product in Amazon history.  They aren't cocky at Poo-Pourri, they're confident.  When you target 3.5 billion dudes that are trying to avoid the poop-related ramifications of dealing with 3.5 billion women, you strike gold.

Obviously I clicked "Confirm Purchase."

PS. Rap Game, Jody Highroller.  Poop Game, Arnold Palmer.

What We Learned from Tonight's Eagles/Redskins Game

This goes out to all the Philly people out there reading WMD. I don't think anyone expected this win less than we did. Not saying that we won't brag about it anyway, just saying we didn't see it coming. Anyway, here are our 2 main lessons from tonight.

Michael Vick is Still Good (when played the right way):

 It's no secret the Eagles O-line is pretty horrible. Which is why last year when they were missing their Pro Bowl left tackle, Jason Peters, Mike Vick got hit a lot more than usual. And he usually gets hit a lot. So while Andy Reid's "throw downfield literally every play" strategy left him unprotected against a full pass rush on most plays, he played badly. Not really a shocker.

So Chip Kelly and his genius math brain did the logical thing and tailored an offense filled with quick passes and multiple quickly developing options. Today showed that offense will play to Vick's strengths and allow him to be a good quarterback again instead of, you know, having to drag his crushed, lifeless legs off the field after being sacked 3 times in a row.

The New Offense Tires Everyone Out:

Literally everyone. During the first half the Redskins took turns faking injuries just to give their defense a breather and actually cramping up because they couldn't keep up with the pace of the Eagles offense.

However, the second half was another story. The Eagles looked just as tired as the Redskins did in the first half which lead to general shittiness. If this team is going to have success this year, they're going to need to balance the tempo to keep the other team guessing while being able to bring 60 minutes of intensity.

1-0 Baby:

Overall, not a convincing win but an encouraging one. Both the offense and the defense played well for most of the game. They also played really really poorly for some of it as well. So we'll see which team shows up for the rest of the season, I guess.



Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" On Mario Paint

Nerds are amazing.  Sometimes I wish I never played sports and pursued an active social life so I can have the ability to do shit like this.  Sure, maybe I'd be 300 lbs, never have a girlfriend and probably be wildly depressed, but god dammit I'd be talented.  If talent was measured by creating modern day songs with 20 year old Super Nintendo games, of course.

My nerd Hall of Fame achievements can boil down to two things:

-Caught all 151 Pokemon.  Legit went to a mall to acquire Mew

-Cried while playing the mine level in Donkey Kong Country.  Sucked it up, stayed up until 4am to beat it.

Obviously neither of those come close to this level.  So jealous, yet so not jealous.  Keep doing your thing, dweebs.

FanDuel Fantasy Football: Will The Rookie Quarterbacks Have Any Fantasy Value?

The Buffalo Bills and New York Jets have fully committed to the rebuilding process when they named EJ Manuel and Geno Smith respectively to be Week 1 starters. Going with rookie quarterbacks are a risky proposition for any NFL team, but several clubs have had recent success. From a daily fantasy sports perspective, will either quarterback actually turn into a nice option?

There seems to be a load of talent around the NFL at the quarterback position, so breaking into the top 10 or even the top 15 is a difficult thing to do. People who play daily fantasy sports are more likely to target either rookie, basically because it is all about matchups. Manuel and Smith might not be a weekly start, but in a favorable matchup, they may be worth the risk.

As far as who will be the better option between the two, right now Manuel is going a bit higher. The Bills probably have a bit more offensive firepower at this point, and he does not have another quarterback on his heels like Smith does with Mark Sanchez. Buffalo plans to run a hurry-up offense this season as well, which means the rookie from Florida State will get a lot more plays than the average signal caller.

Thanks to Sanchez’s shoulder injury, Smith is the starter for the time being for the Jets. He will have to play well to hold onto his job, and his weak preseason already has some people worried. Do not expect him to be drafted much in daily fantasy sports, but he does have sleeper potential down the road.

In the last two seasons, rookie quarterbacks have gone on to great seasons for their team and for fantasy owners. This 2013 class might not be as strong, but they are worth keeping an eye on to start the season.

I Didn't Know How To Get Into A Pool Until Jay Z And Beyonce Showed Me

True Life: I Don't Know How To Get Into A Pool 

Seriously.  I don't.  White people Some people toss up the rock and roll sign and double backflip into the deep end of the pool.  I dip my toes in, say "fuck that", catch up with some Words With Friends games in the pool chair, and then get peer pressured into the water after about 20 minutes.  Getting into water is probably the most difficult thing I've encountered in my life.  This isn't even about swimming either. I'm talking literally entering into a pool/lake/sea/ocean. 

The tried and awful method that I use is the "grab some water out of the pool and rub it on my body" play.  I know that doesn't work, but frankly it's all I know.  I'm too much of a bitch to just jump in and not serial-killer enough to walk the stairs in.  I'm in pool-entry purgatory.

Thank god for Hov and Queen Bey.  I think I finally figured it out now.  I can go with the "slip off the side" method that Beyonce is using or keep it casual with the "oh no, I'm falling off a cliff" move that Jay is pulling off.  I have options now.  

PS. Someone get Blue some Beyonce genes, STAT:

Jets Can't Catch A Break. Not Even In The Donut Game

Rooting for the Jets is like taking care of an old dog that just shits everywhere, can't see well and barks all of the time.  Except this dog doesn't die.  It just bothers you forever and won't get any younger.  Sure, some days it won't bark and maybe it shit too much, but in the end, it's the same fucking dog.

Now no one likes Jets donuts.  Wheels have officially fallen off.  Green is such an unappealing color when it's not St. Patrick's Day.  This is definitely payback for me calling out Dunkin Donuts for being racist.  Tough times when you can't defend racism without that company attacking you where you live.

Most Effective Bowling Ad Ever

So it finally comes out. Bowlers invented the shocker. Haha, that's kind of a shocker, get it? Okay, I'll stop.

But really, look at their faces. Those two were definitely engaged in some PBA level finger banging when that picture was taken. Can't convince me otherwise. Maybe bowlers are ready to climb up the poon-slaying ladder and break into the big time. Shed the whole "most uncoordinated athletes" label.

 

 

Okay, never mind.







21 Year Old Arkansas Man Doing It Big

From Huff Post

How about this kid, huh? Huffing 16 cans of air duster, getting higher than the monkey from "The Hangover 2" AKA living the fucking life.

Fuck the cop finding this kid and arresting him though. What, you never bought $100 worth of air duster, huffed that, stole some more and then passed out in Kmart? Show me a person who's never done that and I'll show you a big fat liar. Let Robert Pry live, guy, let him live.

Oh, and while I'm sure there's some kind of huffing nuance that makes huffing air duster different than huffing paint, I have to imagine this guy felt exactly like Charlie Kelly right up until he passed out.







Don't Even Know Where To Begin With This Thailand Dunkin Donuts Ad

I'll go out and say that I'm more offended by the charcoal donut.  The mere prospect that this shit tastes like the bottom of my grill is enough to make me irrationally upset.  Yes, I'll still buy and eat three of them, but I won't be happy about it.

I guess the real issue with this ad is the blackface.  Listen, I hate pointed racism as much as the next guy out there, but this doesn't fall into that category.  I don't see this as trying to offend, belittle or degrade black people in any way.  I just see it as ignorant.  Yeah, the hair and the pink lipstick are insinuating that this is a Manute Bol - level black person, but this is also an advertisement for a fucking charcoal donut.  It started out stupid, got stupider and ended really stupid.  No surprises were thrown our way.  

Plus, they clearly used an attractive Thai girl to color black.  I'm on a strict "really hot girls can get away with almost anything" policy, so there's that.  Women, man.