Having Major Issues With The Panera Bread "Power" Sandwich

Call me sick but I'm still trying to put the pieces together. We get it Panera. You're excuse is to be healthy. Doesn't mean you can blatantly cut breakfast sandwiches in half and rake in double the profit. I ordered the power sandwich the other day thinking there was a catch, like maybe I'd get a full meal or perhaps a side to go with it but no. I couldn't help but look at the poor guy behind the counter dead in the eye and ask where my other half was.

I mean am I the bad guy here? Not trying to go out of my way for a 360 calorie power bite. Certainly not getting any bang for your buck here. Guess I could trim my diet a bit and settle for some adequate portions once in a while but let's be serious. Micky D's it remains.

Security Guard Serves The Hell Out Of This Banana Mascot

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Shiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!

Never before have I seen a banana mascot get swagged on so hard. 99 times out 100 you see the mascot coming out and embarrassing the security guard with some weird mascot exclusive moves. Felt like I was watching "Stomp The Yard" or some shit, save for the dude in the banana suit living paycheck to paycheck. My man threw the mic at the ground towards the banana's feet like it was the end of "8 Mile." That FFF minor league baseball crowd got themselves quite the treat with this unexpected match-up.

This banana's a gangsta? His real name's Clarence.

Local Newspapers Spew Out Hilarious Shit Literally All The Time

Look at this one close, because there's a terrible rape joke in there. It's almost like the "Where's Waldo" of uncomfortable social situations. I can relate to this though because ya boy just doesn't proofread. Wayyy too cool for that shit.

Can't imagine the fallout at Honda Land the next day. Everyone probably came in bright-eyed and bushy tailed, coffee in hand, and then the boss just posted this on the bulletin board.

Mad Civics catching dust.

How Will The World Take To The First Black Spiderman?

I'll go on the record saying I'd literally be the wackest Spiderman to ever do it. They'll revoke my web cartridges and have repo-men coming to take my suit within 2 weeks.

First off, I ain't fuckin' with the whole "swinging from buildings" thing. That's not my bag at all. I'd casually swing from low-hanging telephone poles and building awnings, allowing criminals to defeat me simply by going to the roof of any building in the city. I'll probably be slightly more effective than the local police, but not enough to justify having spider powers. Granted, I'll take complete advantage of it. "Accidentally" webbing hot girls' feet to the ground at bars, so they are forced to hear at least 3 pickup lines before scurrying away, getting hit by expensive vehicles in crosswalks to subsequently sue when my 2 weeks of heroics are up, and become a dominant summer-league basketball players. Jam city on these hoes.

I didn't want to say anything, but my man is sweating. I'd definitely put an index card in the comment box requesting a linen suit.

The Life

Talk about an ideal life, huh? Cats everywhere purring and dominating mice, keeping your house vermin-free. I wouldn't have it anyway else. Good vibes all around, I'm assuming for our friend here.

But seriously, this woman is extremely fired right?

Pretty Sure I Look Like A Dick In Roughly 98% Of My Facebook Pictures

Really, man? Put your god damn finger down you asshole. What do you want people to think of you when they accept your friend request? Guaranteed they hate you based on this picture alone. Funny part is, there's at least 200 exact replicas of this picture strewn throughout your entire album in case this one wasn't enough. Some people have 11 beers and have a good time, not you. You have 11 beers, get a weird squint in your left eye that shows clear intoxication, and think that you're entitled enough to point at people. Nope.

Everyone around you seems to be having fun, but you seem shitfaced and annoying. If I went into this picture neutral, I came out with no respect for you. How do you think that person felt when they tagged your picture? "Check out this dickhead waving that flaccid index finger around!" If I were your employer and saw this picture, I'd fire you and call the cops to make sure you couldn't infect others with whatever asshole gene you have. Looking glossy as a motherfucker too.

Is that a neon red plastic band around your neck? Yikes, dude.

Friends Ask Dub: "What's The Appropriate Attire For Friday/Saturday Night?"

While this shirt is hilarious and exemplifies the idea of "real talk", it definitely opened my eyes a bit to what's actually going on in my closet and in the closet of some others I know.

Somewhere in the depths of all of our closets is that shirt we wore once and regretted. That same shirt is now tucked in the back of our closet because we can never justify throwing a $49.99 shirt away after one wear. But I urge you, never wear THAT shirt out or around the house on any day of the week.

The "uniform" as I refer to it is pretty basic if you don't want to ruffle any feathers, which is basically the point of making power moves on the weekend. Douchebags ruffle feathers. Now that I've been in the game for a bit and seen others succeed and fail, I have to say that the mildly trendy button-down shirt is 100% a solid play. That is, if you keep it simple. I can't in good conscience recommend pink, but if you can pull it off, you'll be swimming in cooties by the end of the night. The "good" cooties. White, blue, stripes, whatever floats your boat. I'm a big fan of the V-Neck even though it gives off the "I have no idea how to iron vibe" as well as the feared "I go to the gym" vibe. Dealbreaker city. Then there's the the suit coat. It's the odd dynamic of going into a night knowing you're a douchebag, but overacting the fact you're a douchebag. It's like being an idiot-savant that's unable to tie shoes, but being able to recite every zip code-location combo in the country. I think.

NOTE: If you are/want to be a "Gorilla Juicehead", read everything I wrote and do the opposite. You'll be covered in oil, redbull vodka, and glitter in no time.

Struggling To Find The Point Behind "Glow In The Dark" Dogs

Umm, what? The only legitimate purpose I see for this is to make sure you don't trip over your pup during a late night bathroom trip, which is arguably the dog's fault. If they can't hear you stumbling towards them with their supersonic ears, then I adamantly say, fuck your tail.

The wannabee baller side of me does want this dog though. I want one exactly like I wanted that glow in the dark Vortex football that John Elway was throwing 300 yard bombs with. It'd suck for the dog though because the novelty of that football wore off after a couple wounded ducks tossed into neighbors windows/cars. I probably got off a solid 15 passes with that thing. What's that in "caring for a dog" time? Like, 3 weeks? Novelty will wear off pretty quick.

Fantastic name options though. Lite-Brite came to mind first for a girl dog. Is that gay?

Is Tar Baby The New Hot Racial Slur?

I've been trying to wrap my head around the term "Tar Baby" since this story came out. Being that it's 2011 and all, racist people probably need to step their game up with the creativity.

Risky play by this guy using a term popularized in 1881. Shit is dated, but he probably thought he can sneak it by people, which I can't knock. It's like using a joke from an obscure comedian among your group of friends and one dude calls you out. Doug Lamborn just messed up. Classic case, of the "Aww shitt" moment. Racist dudes are the worst at these. It's like watching a confused animal try to reason it's way out of a backed corner. Mitt Romney said, "He was just trying to describe a 'sticky' situation." Shhiiiitt. That's something I'd pull when I was a little kid and I'd get caught with Skinemax on. Saying some off the wall stuff like, "Remote froze it on that channel" or "I honestly don't know what porno is." Except I'm not a Congressman.

Does that mean white people are Marshmallow Fluff babies?

Paying Tribute To The Family Man

These are the moments that really make us young bachelors want to settle down and start a family of our own. Just a guy who's got it all right here. Loving wife, nice home, well behaved/adorable children. Probably just bought his kid that Nerf gun after a hard day's work for him to do exactly this. Smiles all around.

I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say he went ballistic as soon as the camera cut, immediately snatching the toy back up to return it. Whatever device he was holding onto there was the only thing he could escape reality with if only for a few seconds. Oh the family life. Can't wait.