Didn't Know The AMAs Were On Tonight And I'm Glad I Didn't

LAWD.

That's basically all there is to say to start things off. There is some real ugly, nasty stuff going on here and I'm not even going to try to make sense of anything. Let's discuss:

1) Dude in Green turtleneck/scarf combo on the left is all the way turn't up for the atrocities that are occurring.

2) The combination of standing on a ledge and looking the way she does means the singer is either Christina Aguilera or Nicki Minaj. No one wins.

3) The guy on the right didn't attend the choreography rehearsals and is stuck on punch-mode.

4) I'm pretty sure the words in the back are completely random and that there is a 75% chance of it all being Microsoft WordArt.

5) I have nothing to say about the boob-heaving, seizure-having, split-performing thing that took up most of the screen.

UPDATE: Just watched the last 5 minutes of the AMAs and saw Psy performing with MC Hammer to close out the show. In other news, music took itself out to the shed and shot itself.

I'm All Set With Johnny Depp

Very serious question: Can Johnny Depp ever play a regular guy? Like, he always has to be some wacky character that at some point or another, gets drugged out. Walking around with hedge clippers attached to his hands, funny hats, and weird accents all God damn day. Can we get a role where you are a functioning human person with real problems in real situations, or is that too much? It's also very safe to assume John has no idea who he is anymore. Must be a terror to deal with if he's your father. Jumping from Willy Wonka to that sad sap from "Blow" when you just need him to pass the syrup.

As a sidenote, do you think he responds to "John" or "Jonathan"? No, right? It has to be assumed that when you intersplice your identity into different creatures/aliens/psychopaths, you probably don't respond to the name on your birth certificate.

Does Anyone Else Sound Like An Asshole When They Talk To Siri?

This is becoming a legitimate problem for me. No matter how hard I try, I always sound like somebody you'd want beat up whenever I talk to Siri. Even if I'm just trying to tell that bitch to wake me up in 20 minutes, it has to be in the most proper, borderline high-pitched tone I can muster. I just put some food in the oven and literally cleared my throat like 9 times before setting the alarm and still ended up sounding like Elmo an alleged pedophile puppet.

And you know Siri's judging, wondering if I can use some sort of cheat code to add more base to my voice.

Also, can't be happy when pictures like this surface shortly after you're about to publish the post:

I'm Not Positive, But I'm Pretty Sure Getting Tweeted At By TUMS Means My Life Has Just Hit Rock Bottom

@wmsdiary That’s a super upgrade indeed. Did your former lifestyle include lots of heartburn? ;)

— TUMS (@TUMStweets) November 14, 2012

Probably going to start spending my Saturdays at Home Depot and start going to bed before "The Tonight Show" comes on with the rate I'm going.

A little context behind my initial tweet. As soon as I turned 25, the clock to "when Dub is going to eventually die" officially started to tick. My knees hurt whenever I just consider playing a sport, if I stay up ONE minute past midnight I start to become instantly sick and I'm starting to figure out what a "savings account" actually means. All startling things. The most startling thing has to be what happens to my body whenever I eat food. At first I thought it was when I ate shitily, you know, things like burgers, subs, pizzas, etc. So I tried to eat healhy and the same result occurred. I don't want to dive into what happened, but in summary it's basically everything that the TUMS bottle says it'll cure.

So as a dude that's entirely too comfortable in his own skin and with a slight God complex, I decided to tweet to the masses about my new affliction. Ya know, maybe snag a retweet here and a Twitter HJ (aka "Favorite") there. All was well and good until I woke up today and saw the most startling, life-affirming tweet of all time. The fucking verified TUMS twitter account tweeted me and not only did they tweet me, they made fun of me. Droppin' wink faces and hypothetical past lives on me like it was nobody's business. Almost made me start crying and shit. Well, jokes on you TUMS because the Smoothie flavor tastes like disgusting and a Smartie had a terrible, terrible baby.

This is an open, childish ultimatum for TUMS. Unless you plan on sponsoring A Working Man's Diary, stop being so mean, guys. C'mon.

I Can Watch This Drunk Asian Guy In A Suit Try To Go Down The "Up" Escalator All Day

Just a perfect video for anyone who thought they had a rough day. By all accounts, I had a pretty shitty day. Piles of work, Mom on my back and my god damn foot hurts. And then you see a video of a hilariously determined, hammered Asian gentleman struggling to defy physics and everything automatically becomes better.

Hate the lady that's all, "You're going to get hurt!" Back off, bitch, let my man keep chugging along. It was your fault for not taking the stairs when you see something like that brewing. Just be like every other bystander and keep it moving. Maybe tell your friends a racially insensitive Psy joke, I don't know.

T-Minus 30 seconds before I'm dead if I ever attempted this slightly buzzed. Like 1.5 Mike's Hard Lemonade buzzed. Reverse escalators are just tough to deal with.

In Articles That Actually Exist: "Clowns Attack KKK Rally in Charlotte, NC with Humor"

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This has to be it for the KKK, right? I mean it's at that point where their klan rallies are getting rolled on by a bunch of floppy, red-shoed, potential pedophiles. The pure definition of rock bottom.

I wonder what the mindset is for someone who is just PUMPED to join the klan. At this point you can't hate non-whites that much. Too many sports stars, entertainers, and prominent public figures are minority that you're bound to accidentally be a fan of one. In fact, I bet there are thousands of racist whites that have no idea that Blake Griffin is half-black. Probably throwing out emails to the Grand Dragon wizard with "White Men Can Jump! Fuck Those *******" in the subject line and attaching a Blake highlight video off Youtube. There have to be tons of Clayton Bigsbys out there ingesting cyanide pills and burning their Austin Rivers rookie cards.

Clowns will never make sense to me. Always 100% terrifying and had no real gimmick. Water gun flower, nose honker, infinite colorful cloth under their sleeve, big shoes, and a whoopie cushion. Shit sucked.

PS. Does this technically mean that A Working Man's Diary is attacking the KKK with humor too?

You're A Huge Prude If You Don't Steal The Smoked Tabasco Hot Sauce From Chipotle Every Single Time You Go

Some people call it petty larceny, but I call it a way of life. The way I see it, I'm just doing my part to continue the time honored American tradition of thwarting Monopolies. Because if you say you have seen this hot sauce anywhere but inside of a Chipotle, you're a liar and disgust me.

True fact: I have never stolen anything in my life until I stole my first Smoked Tabasco Hot Sauce from Chipotle. It just never seemed worth it to me - not until now. That shit is so good it's criminal...like petty larceny. The combination of being flavorful, not oppressively hot and versatile just can't be beaten. It's good on: burritos, any meat/seafood, pizza, rice, noodles, bread, cheese, probably Pop Tarts and most definitely eggs. It basically tastes like your favorite team winning the Super Bowl in your mouth.

With that said, you're a pansy, merit badge holding, certified bitch if you don't at least consider stealing it every time you're at Chipotle. Take off life's training wheels and live a little. If you're scared to do it, here's how:

1) Take a shit load of napkins so the "grab" motion everyone sees seems natural.

2) Throw all sorts of things in your bag and look a little confused like you're just grabbing forks, spoons and straws for the hell of it.

3) Slyly (and I stress SLYLY) grab the Smoked Tabasco Flavored hot sauce. If you accidentally grab another flavor, may God help your soul.

4) Wink at the other person attempting to steal too and give them a mental air dap.

5) Walk out of Chipotle. You won...until next time.

PS. This all applies to Baja Mountain Dew, but with less enthusiasm and slightly more confused disgust.

If "It's Thanksgiving" Isn't The JAM Of The Next 2.5 Weeks, I Don't Know Music

You're so right, Nicole. It IS Thanksgiving and I think people were starting to forget about it.

So informative (thanks for listing the holidays!) and so timely (Thanksgiving is almost here). I can't write a better recipe for a better song. But bitch, I can write a better recipe for stuffing. I mean what the FUCK were you putting in there? Peas and Cap'n Crunch. That was embarrassing and ruined the entire song for me. And you're not fooling anyone with that cornish hen in the oven. Clean it up and re-release this track. You have the requisite amount of "Oh, oh, oh"s, but almost zero holiday related accuracy.

You did pull me back in when you used that cornish hen drumstick as a microphone though. Clever stuff.

I'm No Scientist, But This Is The Longest Week Of All Time

I feel you, Kobe. I've been giving that same befuddled, aggressive look to everyone that walks by and says it's a day other than Friday. My body clock thinks today is Sunday, when in reality it's Thursday 2. Thursday 1 was actually Wednesday when I would have bet a kidney that it was Thursday. All confusing stuff.

I've never been more cataclysmically screwed over by day light savings than I have been this year. Might fuck around and miss Thanksgiving.

What day do you think it ACTUALLY is? Sound off in the comments you never sound off in.

Election Summary

I usually stay out of the political scene until a winner is decided because people are absolute idiots during election season. Making 2 paragraph long statuses of shit they copied and pasted from CNN, saying things like "learn the facts before you talk" and all sorts of stupidness. The dumbest people somehow have a stage and it's awful. Well, Obama won. I was happy with that, but I'm more happy in the country prospering. Let's back the dude because we're going to be in this spot until 2016. Now it's time for the funny:

1) Diane Sawyer was Blackout drunk:

-Hell, I can't blame her. You were a fool if you didn't once consider having a drink last night. Wolf was stressing me out with the "Breaking Updates" and the video screen was an utter mistake after the first 10 minutes.

2) LOL, White People:

-Clearly all black people look EXACTLY the same. We're pretty much all the same interchangeable rapper, basketball/football player/track runner, hoodlum with similar personalities. Get with the program, brah.

3) The Romneys goin' IN on some chocolate milk:

I always wondered what my life would be like if I never drank alcohol, got wild or wrote a blog. I'd probably be exactly like Mitt. Aside from being a robot, dude is Scrooge McDuck rich, Ann can get it, and he somehow figured out the magic secret to only have male children. Plus, I kinda liked his "I give up" speech last night. Classy.

4) Couple Asian dudes dancing horrifically bad:

They killed it. That's all I have to say about this.

5) "Otis" the semi-remix:

If I can buy stock in a person, I'd buy 1 gillion shares of Young Jeezy. Going to skyrocket for the next 4 days, then I'm selling the shit out of those things.