Playing "Angry Birds" Under Duress Was One Of The Hardest Things I've Ever Done

If you don't know what "Angry Birds" is, you either don't commute to work, don't own a phone that supports it, or are "too cool."

Basically it's some cockamamie, addicting game that features: a slingshot, some pissed off birds, various obstacles, and pigs. I know it sounds ridiculous, but the game is crack. I've been playing it religiously on my way home from work these past couple of weeks and some issues have started to arise.

First of all, it's a game featuring cartoon birds being shot at cartoon pigs via slingshot. I'm 23. Secondly, the T is packed on the evening commute. There are people in your face, behind your shoulder, and your knee is probably up someone's butt regardless of where you are. Needless to say, people get a front row seat to my AB endeavor that particular day. Let me tell you, I've been in some pressure sports situations as a high school athlete. Last second free throws, state track meets, and all sorts of that jazz. The experience of playing this game in front of an audience trumped it all. I was perspiring, nauseous, and questioning my own abilities. Pretty much the Donovan McNabb of Angry Birds out there. There was this old Asian woman on my left and this middle aged white guy on my right and these mofos were INVOLVED. Reacting to my mistakes, holding in cheers when I succeeded--it was a real peanut gallery. The highs are high and the lows are fucking low with the gallery though. I was stuck on one level for the entire duration of this guy's ride today and he was legitimately unhappy with my performance. Like I contributed to his night being worse because I couldn't make consistent connection between cartoon animals. That's where we are as a society.

What would I rather do? Have the basketball in my hands with 10 seconds left in a tie game or having to beat a particularly hard level of AB while millions of people watched?

You best believe I will pick taking some unwarranted contested layup, ultimately disappointing the entire arena over accidentally shooting one of those fucking birds backward.

How The Times Have Changed

What is the Internet anyway!? You said it right Bryant Gumbel. Bring it back to January of 1994 and this is what's being discussed on prime time morning television. Presently the question would be what isn't the Internet? Gotta love Gumbel's rant...All baffled and stating the listed address in a mocking mannner like he didn't want this new development to succeed. Can't believe the Internet actually took off.

A Monkey Riding A Goat, Walking A Tight Rope, Balancing On A Bottle With The Aforementioned Monkey Doing A Handstand At The Same Time

If you read the title of this post, you better have watched the video because that's literally what happened. I'm still shaken after watching this--mainly because a fucking BILLY-GOAT and MONKEY straight up dominated a tight rope-vase combination like never before.

I'm going with 65% chance it's fake because of the way that goat attacked that ladder. Granted, I understand the concept of conditioning and Pavlov's Dog, but come on. That goat crushed that not-so-sturdy ladder a little too impressively. Also, I'm sorry that I gave away what happened in the title because frankly, I had no idea what that monkey was capable of at the start of the video. In fact it took me like 30 seconds to know there was a monkey in the video.

I know you have questions, because I certainly do. How many combinations of four-legged and two-legged animals did the (presumably) Chinese circus have to go through before this stuck? In fact, I don't want to. I'm just going to go by the whatever floats your boat policy and continue on my way.

Just Letting You Know What To Do If You Get Bit By A Kinkajou

What. The. Fuck. Is. THAT?!

I 100% don''t know how I feel about this thing. It's part cute, part really disturbing, and apparently it's biting the shit out of people causing a "really rare disease." Whatever bro, I get it, you have a polarizing cuteness about you. Some people just want to hug your brains out and some people want to end your existence. It's a tough life, but biting people and giving them blastomycosis is not the move. I have no idea what that disease is, but I'm pretty sure it's got to be in the top 5 most awful things to happen to you. The fact that "blast" is in the name can't be good, plus it's super ironic that such a name is produced by this creature. Tons of sketchiness surrounds this animal and I kind of like it.

Can't imagine the pet store up the street has a Kinkajou available huh?

PS. Does the name Kinkajou sound offensive or is it just me?

Reason #4094 On Why I'm Going To Legitimately Try Not To Have Daughters

Apparently the "hot" new Barbie accessory is some Lady Gaga meat costume. Like, if that doesn't entrench your daughter in the slut category I don't know what will. After all these years of Barbie establishing herself as a reasonable female, with costumes such as President Barbie, Doctor Barbie, Public Accountant Barbie, and of course, Black Barbie--she decides to pull a stunt like this.

How concerned are you if this little number is at the top of your girl's Christmas list? I'm pretty sure you just drive your car into a tree at this point because meat-suit Barbie is the one-stop predictor for a stripper-meth-addicted daughter. Disregard the idea that, "she's only 5, she'll grow out of it." Nah playa. Chick's going to grow into a certified scallywag, running tricks under the football bleachers. At this point as a father, you have to kill a) the poor boy that got swindled by your daughter's advances, b) your daughter because it's a wrap for her, c) yourself, because you're going to jail anyway for killing two teenagers.

Just drive into the tree man.

Old Man Basketball About To Tip Off

So me and the boys are about to embark on our first old man basketball league experience. We had a little test run yesterday and let me tell you...it's just not the same. Here's a handful of reasons why I've become the typical old man player vs the standard high school/collegiate athlete.

1) We haven't even played a game yet...the league was supposed to start before January but my card was immediately charged $764 when I signed up back in November. That's right, I'm at some genius 25-year old slackers mercy who can just take my money and attempt to set us up with some gym time. No more free shit. Everybody's got jobs now and they know it.

2) Advanced muscle spasms. Is that a well known term for old dudes? In any physical activity I've been involved in since working a regular office job there's been a ridiculous amount of muscles spasms in places I didn't even know existed. I thought I was going to crumble right in the middle of the court in game 1...But I'm not alone here. Collided into Dub Jeezy yesterday and the man could barely build up the strength to walk out of the house this morning.

3) No wind. You know you're out of shape when you attempt to make a hard move to the basket and proceed to take the next three plays off. Classic old man ball move. Get a rebound, pass it out, crouch down and catch your breath. Chest pains on the basketball court is now ordinary and something we office people have to accept.

4) Tempers flare. The positive energy turns into countless emotional breakdowns. The older one becomes, the more passionate he is about a meaningless game. The physical play will be much slower, but I hope to not get cussed out by a 43-year old accountant because I stepped out of bounds and they didn't call it. We'll see how it all plays out.

Some "Likes" Have GOT To Stop On Facebook

I'm not going to front, I just liked something on my wall two seconds ago, but that still doesn't stop the fact that changes need to be in order. Obviously it's not that bad if I'm doing it, but still.

When the whole idea of "liking" something came around on FB, I wasn't being a hater. In fact, I kind of dug it. You can appreciate something a person did without letting them know via wall post, and the ever so creepy personal message. It's basically the opposite of what you guys do when I put up a link to a post on my wall. The line is starting to become evident though. Multiple times, I'll see someone say something along the lines of, "OMG, I hate the SNOW", and it'll receive like 37 likes. What? What the fuck was so likeable about the idea of hating snow. I'm pretty sure everyone 22+ hates the snow. It's not the "yo, I truly sympathize with that" button, it's the like button.

Before this post, I did some extensive (a solid 4 minutes) research on my own "liking" habits, and the results were startling...

No, they really weren't but it's one of those attention grabbing statements, so lets roll with it. I pretty much only "like" things that compliment me or things that are making fun of someone else. That's it. You won't see me liking much else other than that. Not saying I have it right, but there should be some fucking guidelines. Sure you can "like" something from afar and have an inward laugh, like when Suzy Sexybody is suddenly single, but don't click the button on that shit. It's in bad taste and downright offensive. Suzy won't be calling you up later that night because you were pumped her relationship ended--or will she? Does that shit actually work? If so, fuck. Anyways, I'm just saying, "like" freely, but with a limit. Create a line for yourself.

If you're teetering that line, you should probably move the mouse from that ol' "Like" button.

Flavor Flav Sizing Up Against KFC...What?

Move over Colonel Sanders...Flavor Flav has officially entered the restaurant business with Flav's Fried Chicken. The hype man/reality TV star went back to his hometown to open up the first of many (if all goes well) FFC's. He actually recieved his culinary degree in 1978 and also worked as a head cook in select places before finding his true calling (tack on the informationals). The chefs secret...

"When you take the breading off the chicken all's you gonna taste is some boiled chicken," he said. "But the secret with FFC is I season my meat first. Then I let the meat season the flour...If you take the breading off my chicken, you'll still taste all of my seasonings."

Sign me up...I gotta experience a Flavor Flav Double-Down at some point. The restaurant is ironically located near a KFC...We'll have to see how they match-up. If Flav hired some of his lost loves as waitresses then he could be starting up a gold mine...On second thought... I take that back.

Black and Yellow

Enough said.....  Sorry, Dub J.

:P

Cheesiest Movie Quotes Of All Time

There's no real explanation for this video aside from the title. Some nerdy dudes really crushed a basement sesh. Got a 36 pack of Mountain Dew, some Sour Patch Kids, and the rest is history.

My personal favorite segments of this video are: every Arnold part, Sly Stallone's little tidbit, the "younglings", and anytime "The Happening" was shown.

It's quality. Definitely worth the 10 minutes. I don't say that much because frankly, 90% of the videos I post, I don't even watch. I just take a guess what's going to happen and comment on that. So basically it's bullshit on top of bullshit. Secrets out?