Introducing The Greatest Song In The World

Producers might as well burn their studios down right now.  Up and coming artists should throw their Macbook Pros out of the window before they finish reading this sentence.  It's all over.  IceJJFish just broke the game, put it back together with Elmer's glue and flipped it upside down.

And don't think about coming at him, because...

He'll steal your girl.  

What a day for him, huh?  Rearrange the idea and general concept of music and steal thousands of girlfriends.  Where does he find the time?  If you didn't delete all of the music in your iTunes library and immediately add this as your only song I have to say, with utmost confidence, that you're doing it so very wrong.

Why Acura is the Worst Car of All

I've conducted an unscientific study that revealed 80% of Acura drivers are jerkfaces. According to the data, Acura drivers are more likely to:

1. Cut fools off

2. Tailgate

3. Fail to signal an uncontrolled left turn

4. Refuse to abide stop signs

What's behind this shitbaggery?

Primarily, an Acura is like fourth-string luxury. Consider that first strings include Rolls Royce and Bentley, your basic $400,000 vehicle, while Mercedes-Benz and BMW are second string, lower-priced model Mercedes-Benz and BMW are third strings. As we've known since like 1989, Acura is just a more expensive Honda. So they've got something to prove.

And who can forget the apology Acura had to issue after its casting call for a "not too dark" African American actor?

Famous Acura-Driving Assholes*:

Tom Cruise
Larry Ellison (from Oracle -
Joe Montana
Charlie Sheen
Vanilla Ice (shocker)
Jay-Z
Suze Orman
Scottie Pippen
Mark Zuckerberg

*Can't guarantee they haven't sold it

Mexico Can't Find All Of Their Gross Water Monsters So They Are Probably Here Now

Hey guy, what's your deal?  You're like a combination of every animal's worst feature, yet you somehow look really pleased with yourself.  Shit's admirable.

Ugh. Mexico can you please, for once, get your shit together.  I feel like we have to tell you this every 6 months or so.  Whether it's swine flu or rogue water salamander birds, we always have to check you guys when you get out of pocket.

Important question: What do you do if this thing just rolls up on you?  First things first, I'd give it all of my money and credit cards.  Let it know that I'm down to comply with any and all demands.  Next play is your choice.  Personally, I'm folding immediately.  If it wants to lick my face, it can lick my face.  Maybe that's because I'm a bitch, but you walk your own plank.

It Doesn't Take a Hero to Park Like Less of a Douche Face

I spy with my judging eye: a company car parked like a dickhole. Aside from crimes against children and animals, nothing twists my kidneys more than bad parking. But it's a wonderfully rare opportunity when it happens in a conspicuous ride like this.

Whoever parked the Heroyk SUV worse than Bill Buckner's 1986 World Series debacle should officially be on notice. Maybe they should stick to walking in those self-important shoes they're selling before someone sets that beast on fire. 

#Oakland #ShittyParking #annoying #hashtag #for #every #damn #word

Tony Parker Beast Moded This Free Throw

Keep 'em on their toes, Tony.  Every now and then, as an NBA player, you have to act like the MonSTARS stole your basketball ability.  Let people think you're super wack and have too little tricep strength to hoist that 7 pound ball to the basket.  Once you lull them to sleep, flip the switch and act like you know how to play again.  That's basketball 101, folks.

Strategy.  Popovich is the puppeteer and we're just the audience.

Hey Atlanta, Get It Together

For those that don't have internet access or a television, Atlanta is a warzone right now.  Two, maybe three inches of snow fell and the one plow/sand truck that the city had was completely overwhelmed.  Some good happened, but mostly a lot of inexplicably bad stuff happened.

The Good:

You can't drop almost one quarter of a foot of snow on Atlanta and not expect someone to make a snow Jordan logo:

A baby was somehow born in a car on the side of the road.  They named her Grace because she was born in a car on the side of the road.

The Bad, But Not Really That Bad Because It'd Be Kinda Cool:

People slept in a CVS.  I think I'm the only person that would find this pretty sweet.  Sure, getting stuck in a mall would be awesome, but we're not kids anymore.  Can't just chill in a KB Toys and call it a day.  We have to be practical.  Have to come to grips with the fact that all I need in this world is Gatorade and contact solution at this point.  

I see you, sleeping on Maxi Pads.

The Bad:

Giant sleepover in the school sounded like a great idea until it actually happened.  Not the best night to try to hold little Susie's hand.

Mayor Kasim Reed is is going with the classic "wear a leather jacket to distract and deflect any possible criticisms that people may have with me and how I handled this situation" approach.

The Ether:

Al Roker hates weather information ineptitude.  Literally the only thing that bothers this jovial bastard.  Well, Atlanta, you done fucked up now.

Important: Froot Loops Are All The Same Flavor

Well, shit.  I don't know what to say other than that we've been hoodwinked.  Froot Loops were a lie.  Years 5-13 of your life might as well not exist at this point.  Hell, I even PICKED OUT the yellow ones because I'm not about that lemon life.  I can't even look at myself in the mirror today.

And you...

The ring leader behind it all.  We looked past the fact that you could talk.  We even ignored that fact that you ran a highly successful cereal conglomerate even though you're a bird.  But when you start fucking with the psychological process, that's when you make enemies.  I'm boycotting Froot Loops*.

*Until I go to the grocery store and buy a new box.  But I won't be happy about it!

The FLOTUS Just Provided The .GIF Of The Year

Amazing.  Michelle Obama should run for 2016 Presidential office based solely on this gif.  Obviously we all wish Bron put that hoop behind Dwyane's head, but that wouldn't have flown well.  Wade would have needed a wheelchair and the FLOTUS would have been fined 100k by David Stern.

That doesn't discount the fact that she had it all, though.  The swagger, the posturing, and the uncomfortable stare down of the camera.  I'm shocked we're still talking about Richard Sherman when the First Lady just dunked on all of our collective faces and made fun of all of our existences.  

If this doesn't inspire you to eat an apple and jog in place for her "stop being fat" campaign, I don't know what will.

The Beluga Plane Looks Good

From an engine-not-turned-on perspective, this plane is pretty cool.  Like, it does ACTUALLY look like a beluga whale.  But this begs the question: Was anyone asking for a beluga whale shaped plane?

If this plane could talk, I bet it would beg someone to kill it immediately.  It's like the Little Engine That Could except that it's a large beluga whale plane that most likely couldn't.  And by "couldn't", I mean this plane probably couldn't get in the air/stay in the air/protect people/not crash.  

Hey Beluga Plane, do you.  The fact that you were made is a gross miscalculation on the part of a lot of people, but that's not your fault.  You didn't ask for this, so ride it out until the inevitable inability to take off occurs, they break you down for parts and take an expensive L on the project.

This Picture Of Regis Philbin And Ice Cube Means The End Of Days Are Upon Us

Do you like your days?  Well that sucks, because they are about to stop happening.  Hellfire and brimstone are literally going to be the only things hot in the streets after this.On the other side, we are days away from honoring the memory and impact of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  So I guess we've "made it", huh?  

You ever try to cook something and have it come out of the oven not quite how you expected it to come out?  That's basically what happened to Dr. King's dream.  It cooked, was edible and people ate it, but it didn't quite look like how it did on the box.

Since, ya know, we are appropriately honoring his memory: