Monday, March 9, 2015

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The Apple Watch Is Here To Let Us Know We're Living Horrible, Unfulfilling Lives

Tim Cook and the ghost of Steve Jobs are here to devour the hell out of everything in your checking/savings account, y'all.  Got a tax refund back?  Nah, Tim stole that, so hopefully you won't have to go through that.  Your bonus from work finally hit your account?  Nope, Steve Jobs' ghost just bought 11 new Keurig machines with your cash in rich-people heaven.

The whole event was a spectacle.  First they released a gold, ballin' ass MacBook Pro that could take your job and steal your girlfriend at a moment's notice.  But little did we know, the gold, girlfriend-stealing MacBook was just the appetizer.  The Apple Watch is finally here to make us debate among friends on how "stupid" and "unnecessary" it is until we all inevitably break down and buy it like the sheeple that we are.  Circle of life shit.  No worries, Timmy.  I'll handle the FAQ.

"But, like, we already have our phones.  Why do we need a watch that does the same thing?"

Because we need a device to tell us how unhealthy we are, that's why. I'll be honest here, this particular feature isn't my favorite.  Full disclosure, I wore a FitBit for a week and I'm pretty sure it thought I was dead on several occasions.  I don't anticipate that "Activity" app is going to get much burn for me personally, but I'm just a guy blogging in his underwear with a bag of chips on his chest. As a fake-professional blogger that sits a LOT, I can't have my watch attacking my decision-making skills.

"What if I have an irregular heartbeat?  What then?"

You didn't think Cupertino was going to forget about your heart palpitations, right?  Pfft.  Timmy C and ghost Stevie J-O weren't messing around when they were forcing slave laborers to make these historic devices at terrifying efficiency.  Grandpa's not going to die on your..wait for it...wait for  

*swan dives into a vat of battery acid*

"What if I'm bored?  And by bored, I mean I checked Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook again, my email, accidentally opened Safari, terrifyingly wandered into something called the "Stocks" app, and then Twitter again."

It's been a long time, shouldn't have left you, without a crude drawing app to step to - Steve Jobs feat. Aaliyah*.

If you want to remember what it was like to be five and have limited brain function, you're in luck.  The sketch app is here with a 1x1 inch display to draw the wackest flower you can dream up from the comfort of your wrist.  Take my money, Tim.  Just take it.

(Jokes aside, I used to be one of those "Apple haters", but now I have an iPhone, an iPad, Apple TV, and I'm probably going to start a GoFundMe for the $10,000 version of the Apple Watch because that's currently the ballinest shit that I can do)

*That was mean

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