Party It Up Like Miley This Weekend!!.....What??

Be safe, be happy, and have a great long weekend everybody.

Russell Crowe's At It Again

via videosift.com

Perusing the web today, I stumbled across this story about Russell Crowe blowing yet another mild mannered situation out of proportion. Russell gets caught smoking and eating a burger in a magazine and he proceeds to freak the fuck out. It couldn't help but remind me about that hilarious Southpark episode featured above. He demands the columnists name (she's a girl by the way) and issues a challenge to a bike riding duel where his publicist says to her, "Are you ready to die?" Jesus buddy, pull back the reigns a little bit. I get called out for eating shitty food all the time and believe me, my number one retaliation is not a 12 mile bike race. It's more along the lines of a shitty stuttered comeback like "you wish you had this body" or "I need the omega 3 from the mayonnaise." Needless to say, Russell kicks the shit out of said female columnist and taunts her mercilessly. Anyways, watch the video..it's hilarious and exactly how I imagine this situation transpired.

So I'm Sitting Next To A Crazy Person

As you all know by now, my new stomping ground has been a JP Licks at the end of the road next to mine. It's safe to say that I run this town on day 3 of officially living here, but this one fucking lunatic next to me seriously cramping my style.

In a four seat row in the back corner of the store, I usually take the one at the end next to the outlet (leaving three seats open to my right). This crazy bastard decides to sit right next to me. Now, while me an this gentleman are not patrons here, JP Licks sees me and this presumed bum as equals. Just two low-lifes that are trying to steal internet and comfortable chair space. Since he's sitting directly next to me (touching my right knee in the process) the best option was to switch to defense mode and I waited to see what was on that batshit crazy mind of his. I gave it five minutes and discovered that all he wants to do is genuinely talk to himself. He's not here to terrorize anyone with his crazy person antics, but he just wants to have a good ol' intellectual conversation with himself. He's even being considerate enough to talk at a low volume. He's speaking indecipherable words, but low vols nonetheless. I feel like I was on Candid Camera for a "Wishbone" episode or something. I haven't learned a legitimate "lesson" since like '95, but today through real life experience, I truly discovered that you cannot judge a book by it's cover.

If it looks crazy, smells crazy, and acts crazy..it's probably..eh, fuck it, it's probably crazy. I'm getting the hell out of here.

Boondock Saints 2 Official Trailer

Looks wild to me. Also, do you all think these guys have just been sitting around their beat up apartments just hoping and praying for the execs to make a sequel? These guys are strictly Boondock Saints actors, no side jobs or other forms of income. It's going to be a great movie, because frankly, they need this.

If You Had A Shitty Day, This Will Sure Brighten Things

Good track. Nothing else to say.

Backstreet's Back Alright!!

Let's go. Everyone break out that middle school cd player you have in the closet and throw away the "Backstreet Boys are so gay" attitudes, because we don't tolerate that around here.

We can now add "timeless" to the list of words that describe BSB, because clearly they have arrived with a dance track that can go toe to toe with the rest of the party jams out in the bar/club/party scene.

College Football Without Cable...

Yes, I am fully aware that college football is starting today, because I am a man and that shit is wired into our internal clock. This guy doesn't need crazy things like television and internet to let inform him about the best season in all of sports. While I don't need it, I sure as hell want it bad. Not having my cable game on point has exposed several flaws who I am. I bite my nails a bunch, I fart like the dickens (into a very absorbent chair, might I add), and I drink a shit ton of juice. All of these things are commonplace when you have a television and internet to distract you, but when you have neither, these things become both the highs and lows of your day.

Ok, back to college football and strategically short and top-cut school t-shirts. Your wonderfully awesome blog stud (me) attended THE Boston College University. You know, the football powerhouse that is routinely making appearances in the best BCS bowls and the school that is packed with diehard fans and the hottest girls (our girls kick the shit out of those girls from FSU up there). Ahh, and then I woke up.

While I did attend Boston College, none of anything I said after that is remotely true. We are the type of squad that the working man embodies. No spectacular players, rarely packed stadiums, and decent looking women wearing unaltered t-shirts. Boston College football just screams America, like a pair of muddy Wranglers. With that said, I am looking forward to watching all of those manufactured teams (starting September 8th, when Comcast gets off their lazy asses), like Florida and USC. Sureeee, you make it to national championships games, have the wildest campuses/hottest girls in the country, and generally provide a great time to all parties involved, but you guys are like that hot girl at the bar with no confidence. Everything gets delivered to you (UF & USC), but on the inside you are just a lonely girl with no true friends who will die alone with 23 cats.

As you can tell, I am a little steamed about not having fucking cable.

I Guess They Make Gay Ice Cream Now?

--introducing the flavor that bankrupts Ben and Jerry's.

Don't get me wrong, I fully support same-sex marriages and the "whatever floats your boat" philosophy, but things are getting a tad bit ridiculous. Nothing about this makes me feel comfortable. Why is the gay ice cream the "fudge covered peanut butter filled pretzels in vanilla malt ice cream with fudge & peanut butter"? I love fudge, peanut butter, pretzels and vanilla ice cream, but now it is deemed a gay ice cream flavor. I feel like Benjamin and Geronimo are doing a bit of generalizing here. Another thing I find hilarious is that the couple on the cake is an interacial couple. Talk about things that won't be accepted in this day in age. You guys are about 15-20 years too early with this idea, so for now can you please just stick to making the simple non-controversial flavors that cost $7.89 a fucking pint?

Deciding A Hobby

No internet or cable in my house. What's a lad to do? I can only play so many video games and watch so many of episodes of Planet Earth before I lose my mind and undoubtedly fall asleep. Something needs to happen. Since my new job does not start until September 14th, I have a whole lot of dead time to kill. This time gets exponentially longer and more excruciating when you can't watch Youtube videos of a cat tackling another cat or watch terrible reality television. I need to get some sort of hobby before September 8th when those bastards at Comcast decide to put in my god damn cable.

My stop gap solution has been a J.P. Licks at the end of my street. It's been awesome enough that I do not have to be a patron to use their wireless and they play nothing but hits. I've been here for about 2 hours and they must have a DJ in the back trying to impress me or something because there have been about 34 straight bangers. They will soon recognize me as a non-patron so I only have a few days I can do this. As soon as I get the inevitable boot from my comfy chair in the back right corner (find me, I'm the stud), I will embark on the hobby of stealing wireless from every location in the Brigham circle area without purchasing a single item off the menu. Sure, call me a scumbag, but I am not trying to get a mocha toca lattechino with sprinkles. That ain't me and my street cred is way too valuable at this point. I am also marginally sure that this counts as a hobby.

My friend tossed around the hilarious idea of running. My response was "you mean, like, running around?" The concept was legitimately foreign to me. I maintain my awesome figure through a doctor approved meal plan of pizza, burgers, gatorades, and pepper potato chips. Where has running gotten anyone? When I figured out what lunatic friend meant by this "running" thing, I laughed. A good ol' fashioned, whole-hearted laugh. Mofo was out of his mind.

Another idea that I have toyed with for years has been cooking. Since I have moved away from the ever so loyal and inexpensive McDonalds, it has felt like leaving that special girl without getting a chance to give a proper goodbye. No kiss, no hug, just a head nod. There was a recognition that we'd see each other again, but it wasn't right and still leaves me feeling a bit weird. Now I have to shop at a supermarket. Supermarkets have always been tough for me because I only really want fruit snacks and cookies. You won't see me there reasoning with myself about what head of lettuce I should buy. Needless to say, cooking might not be an option either, unless I find a way to make a Scooby Doo Fruit Snack casserole (ew).

Welp. Looks like i'm F'd, I will probably lose all ties with society and this blog will take a terrible turn for the worst until September 8th. Hopefully you guys stick with me through this awful experience as I professionally blog from an ice cream store for the next few days...

P.S. God damn J.P. Licks, how do you go from "Santeria" to "Regulators", I need to hire this guy for my birthday party.

My NYC Trip Pt. 3 (Last One, Thank God, What Was I Thinking?)

(Authors Note: Posts are going to be a little sporadic. Oh, and sorry Giants fans, nothing personal)

Moving sucks. Everthing that ended in -ide came into mind as a proper solution. You know, all the fun ones like homicide, suicide, cyanide, flouride (my breath was stinkin'). Now that we finally moved in, we don't have any god damn internet or television. We actually HAVE to interact with one another! I realize I am one of the coolest kids in the game right now, but not even I can create and maintain a conversation for a week straight. Sorry if I am venting, but I've been on a strict diet regimen of sweating and drinking gatorade for the past 36 hours.

Part 3 my friends. I had plans of purchasing a Mark "Dirty" Sanchez jersey before the game, but the economy told me that I couldn't do so (and the fact that I quit my job). Myself and the rest of my crew woke up and drove to the Meadowlands and G(ay)iants Stadium. An early afternoon day of tailgating came and went with copious amounts of drinking, lawn games, stolen bbq food, and one continuously repeated cd. It was your typical day drinking experience, but the night brought about the most fun I had all weekend. I am a huge Jets fan (yea, I don't like the Patriots, but I'd steal Tom Brady's life) and this game was a yearly game I went to with my father. Instead of having a good ol' father-son football experience, it turned into a drunken brofest. Amazingly, I still managed to focus on the game and watched my boy Mark torch the G-teens and pull down his first Dub as a starting QB. It was awesome. We ended up leaving in the middle of the third after Eli Manning threw his 12th consecutive overthrown pass.

Bars, bars, bars. New York City bars close at 4am, did I mention that? My body's natural bar clock is set at around 1:50am. In NYC, that made me the biggest bitch on the block. I don't know how you people do it. Stay out until 4 in the morning and then wake up at 7 to run major corporations. You'd think we would be in a recession with this, but these guys(and gals) are troopers (lolz). During the course of the night each of us dropped like flies in spirit and in energy, but with recent inventions of 5 Hour energy and Red Bull we were able to survive the night and get back home at around 5:30am. We barely made the bus the next day through my insisting that we watch a rerun of "Hard Knocks", but it was damned worth it--"please kiss the baby."

All in all a great weekend of exploring the city with good friends and watching the best team in the NFL show it's stuff.