NFL Hit Policy Translated To The Everyday Working Man

So everyone's got an opinion on the NFL hit policy that is fining dudes billions of dollars if they hit someone in the head with their helmet. I find that ridiculous. Not because of the message, but because of the money people are getting taken away. Saw James Harrison got fined $125,000 this year for a few hits. Also saw his coach defend him with the ol' "He's got two kids excuse." Though it looks absurd from the NFL player standpoint, let's think how it'd be if regular guys and gals like you and me were getting these types of punishments..

My roommates and I joked the other night about how each James Harrison fine was essentially our salary. Like, "Yo man, keep your head on a swivel at work tomorrow." Because no one wants to see a disgruntled Craw walk through the door shaking his head saying, "So I dropped a piece of paper on the ground and bent over to pick it up, when all of a sudden my boss bent down to pick it up at the same time. Needless to say, we bumped heads and I got fined my entire years salary." That shit would be awful. I can see it now. Running late for a meeting or need to hit a tight deadline, you can probably see me somewhere between a brisk jog and a full out sprint. If Becky from accounting decides to leisurely stroll around the corner while I'm in full stride, we can have a situation on our hands. If by situation you mean I'm fined $50K with the added kicker of having to still come in for work. I'd be super salty.

We can break it down further too in the realm of penalties: One guy going for another guy's office crush=pass interference. Accidental boob tap=offsides/encroachment. Applying a paper clip to a document=clipping.

Take a timeout guys and grab yourself a coffee.

Did Elementary School Math Teach Us How To Deal At The Bars?

Talk about scary realizations huh? Elementary school was the gateway drug to the downtown Saturday nights we've all made so popular these days. One second you're getting yelled at by mom that your lunch is bagged and the bus is outside then next thing you know you're struggling to do the math in your head on those Soco-Lime shots.

It hit me the other day when I saw this "$3 Vodka Special" drinks deal. I had four friends with me and was going to get a round. Next thing you know, I'm crunching numbers in my head like Gordon Gecko, and thinking about drunken efficiency divided by vodka tonics. Doing shit in my head like, "If friend A is pretty drunk, should you exclude him from the round even though friends B and C are fairly sober?" Then you think to yourself, "this is what elementary school was for"--situations exactly like that.

You'll instantly know that five of those "Vodka Specials" are $15 plus a reasonable tip of $2. Tips are calculated through a careful mix of "baller-ocity", "will I regret seeing my balance Sunday morning", and "I just want to make the total amount end in a zero." My favorite being the last one--not for myself, but one of my friends tips simply to make the overall total end with a zero. So if the total is $11, this guy is tipping $9 just to make sure it ends at $20. Stupid as hell, but hilarious. Like no concern when he hears things like, "Bro, that's like an 80% tip."

You know life's at a troubling point when I'm sitting in the bar waiting to get the bartender's attention that I think it's a profoundly clever idea to jot down in the memo section of my phone: "Matht aT BaR" for a post idea.

This blog is essentially made from a pile of dirt and excrement.

Jets-Pats Pt. Duex

Keeping it neutral here because fellow blogger Craw is a stupidly huge Pats fan like I'm a stupidly huge Jets fan.

Gonna be a fun one. Tune in at 8:30.

Oh yeah, if the Jets win, you best believe I'm going to post some outrageously obnoxious cocky post immediately after. If we lose, you won't be hearing from me for awhile.

Princess Toadstool Lost In The City Streets?

A real life depiction of Luigi working the phone as Mario stares aimlessly in search of Peach...These dudes have to be on the receiving end of a number of weird looks and comments right?

Were any of their kids kind enough to say "hey dad, maybe change up the colors or lose the stash so you don't strikingly resemble Mario on the job." If this is the usual get-up then we could have ourselves a reality TV show in the works real soon. Hopefully they'd be able to bust out the Karts once and a while...

I Dropped The Screw in The Tuna

So I'm still recovering from the shattering of all my childhood lust for Kel of "Kenan and Kel" now that Dub Jeezy dropped the bomb of "Orange Soda Boy" all over it. Seriously, I'm kind of heartbroken. Because he's right, Kel was hot, and though insane/possibly actually retarded, just generally such a better person than seemingly smart and conniving Kenan.

But now, all I have to say is that Kel has become a TERRIBLE person, his "new" dance is awful, and all his underdog sex appeal has been irrevocably blocked by rip-off Kanye West tacky orange plastic lined sunglasses combined with a cheap imitation Soulja boy arm gesture. And that I would be a thousand times more likely to break it down in any club (or just sometimes listen on Youtube) to this old school "I Dropped The Screw in the Tuna" remix than to any new copycat Kel productions.

Kel, you may have been my first love, but now I feel like everything was all a lie. Do you even like orange soda?

Take A Look At These D-Bags Flying A Remote-Controlled Plane Throughout NYC

I can imagine the typical American worker is pretty stressed during the morning and evening commute (because hey, It's A Working Man's Diary), but imagine how extra stressed you'd be if you got hit in the face with a remote control airplane right before you walked into your office building.

This is, "today is the day that I snap and probably get fired" worthy. We wonder why things like that happen to people. We like to dig way too deep into it. Like what music the person listened to, their daily routines, and what not. How about wondering what happened to the person before they got to work. I've had a bird poop on my shoulder and I thought that was my last straw. I can't say I wouldn't have taken it to an even more extreme level if some douchebags on top of some random building had it out for me and flew a remote controlled plane into my grill.

$600 For This Children's Shirt? Reasonably Concerning

As a parent, if you buy your child this shirt you deserve to get forcibly placed into a time capsule and buried deep underground to never be seen again. And once you're found, there needs to be some sort of sign with a picture of this shirt and an explanation that you purchased this for your child.

A fate worse than death if you ask me. But really consumers? A kid's shirt with boob tassels? You can't give this shirt to a little girl because that's just offensive and in bad taste, so your only option is giving this to a little boy. It's the biggest lose-lose situation since LeBron James to the Miami Heat (ba-ZING). You got your boy looking like a bad joke with tassels on his chest just giggling like there isn't anything wrong.

Oh there's something wrong, son. Wait until you see those photo albums like 10 years from now. It'll be one of those awkward moments when you knock on your parent's bedroom door with that weird face on--that combination of concerned/scared/confused. You'll go in with picture in hand, and Mom and Dad will have nothing to say. Nothing. They'll be speechless for about an hour and will eventually apologize.

I see no other options as a parent. But as the saying goes, "If you get your kid a $600 nipple tassel t-shirt for Christmas, you'll probably end up buried in a time capsule."

Arcade Girl Ranks Alongside The Best

So this remarkable shooting clinic has to run parallel to Larry Legends All-Star performance is that too much of a stretch? I don't know how well this mini-hoop assassin can contribute on the parquet floor but befriend her in the arcade and you're undoubtedly walking away with the best prize behind the counter.

How did the girl who casually walked by not stop dead in her tracks to be a witness? What's with the guy stretching on the side and subbing in for a round immediately after...Relax dude, your girl has you beat. Hopefully she's hustling anyone sick enough to bet on arcade ball...If not it may be about that time to put the game down.

How Unfortunate Would Your Life Be If You Were Named After Booze?

Props to that baby for having the dexterity to hold a beer bottle. I can barely do that shit at the bar let alone while being a baby that dad's haplessly carrying with one hand.

So consistently drunk singer Pink has come up with the non-life-scarring idea of naming her first born child after Jameson whiskey. Usually I make an effort to find a silver lining in a lot of the batshit crazy ideas out there, but this one is pretty tough. Coming from a kid with a bad first name, I feel for this kid. Like, everyone has that conversation with their Mom about where their name came from. Pink will NOT want to answer that question. She'll be fumbling her words and trying to change the subject. Probably drop a smoke bomb and disappear into the night or something. Because the truth would sound a little something like this, "Yeah, I thoroughly enjoyed getting all sorts of piss hammered prior to and during my pregnancy with you, so yeah, Jameson made sense."

Some scarring stuff if you ask me. I was pretty shaken when my Mom broke down and told me that I was named after "Winnie The Pooh", the overweight vagrant bear, that routinely stole honey and destroyed bee habitats. Not a cool thing to be named after. Name me something like "Falcon" or "Fox." Chime in Dad. A name like one of those would be weird on the come up, but around the high school and college years, you best believe I'll be a chick magnet. Didn't think ahead guys. Didn't think ahead...

Harry Potter Seven Was THAT Good

Believe me, I wasn't doing too well when I saw Dumbledore die at the end of "Half-Blood Prince", but I wasn't in a poop-filled toilet complaining about the dankness of the weed I smoked. I may have teared up a bit, but that was the extent of my antics.

Come on now, why are you getting inebriated for Harry Potter? The ride is magical enough for you to need drugs/booze. Granted, I would have LOVED to see "The Expendables" hammered with the guys, but it just wasn't in the cards. Some movies I deem it appropriate. Not HP. They're playing quidditch, fighting dragons, and apparating and shit. I think I'm set with that.

Seeing Dobby, the emaciated House Elf dominate the shit out of the Deathly Hallows is my Anti-Drug.