Definitely Overdosed On NyQuil Last Night

^can't tell if this pic is racist, but I'm with it.

Last night while I was disastrously sick with some form of one-night-AIDS, I decided to ignore recommended dosages and just slug back some NyQuil. And some assorted cold medicine pills. I wasn't in dangerous territory, but I was kinda treading the Heath Ledger line. One of those moments where you knew you were fucked. Similar to those days in college when you thought it was a good idea to chug that bottle of Rubinoff and inevitably threw up on your shirt and passed out in front of your door because the 3-digit code was far too complicated. This time was like a very bad/disturbing episode of "That 70s Show" though. Life in a kaleidoscope.

20 minutes after my Amy Winehouse experience, I literally got up, walked in the bathroom and STRUGGLED to brush my teeth. Just couldn't connect the paste to the brush. Loopy doesn't even describe what was happening. Bouncing off walls, giggling for no reason, and I honestly thought about putting up a blog just to see what would happen. It'd probably be written entirely in WingDings and have a picture of an ostrich or something outrageous. Didn't want you guys to go through that. What I'm trying to say is, I get it Lil Wayne, I get it JaMarcus Russell. That shit was awesome. I reached levels of swag that I previously thought were unreachable. My Facebook chat game was on point (I think) and I slept like a fucking drug infused baby. Hell, I may even consult Wikipedia and get the 3 Six Mafia on the horn to figure out how to blog on sizzurp.

Way more respect for JaMarcus Russell. Throwing a football is borderline IMPOSSIBLE drunk off that 'Quil.

Trash Gremlin

Egads.

Maybe stick to being Joey Fatone, or whoever the fuck you were during the VMAs because actually trying to be a pretty girl failed miserably. Oh yeah, sick barcode tat. Let me scan your bicep with my cellphone and get taken to a website that hopefully makes me to kill myself.

When I have to consider hooking up with you in a bar, you know you're bad.

Complete Overreaction

"I'm in the car, he's on the ground, wondering what the fuck just happened?"
-Jamie Foxx

Jesus Christ Rhino are you out of your mind man? You see that warthog over there? He's dead. He's fucking dead. All for a pile of hay bro? Not even a legitimate kill that you worked for. Just a pile of hay laying in the middle of random pasture. So random that, hey maybe other animals can partake in it. Some of the most passive warthogs I've ever seen. Are you even aware that Pumbaa was a god damn warthog man? You just tore my childhood to shreds you Rhino asshole. Imagine how less fun "Lion King" would have been if during the middle of one of those delightful songs, Pumbaa just gets impaled and tossed 15 feet in the air?

By the way, I've seen better hay in a petting zoo. Way to class it up. You have a fucking horn made of pure ivory and you're eating hay with warthogs. Jokes on you.

My Health Is Piss Poor Right Now

The internet is running circles around me right now and there is not a god damn thing I can do about it. Night in and night out I've knocked on the internet's door and just barged the fuck in to pillage the fridge for a weird internet video or a funny picture. Tonight's not the case. In fact, I think my life got Rick Roll'd today.

I'm pretty sure that when I sneezed today I tore my meniscus and chipped a tooth. Borderline started crying at my desk. Maybe I went a little too hard during Labor Day weekend, but that's still no excuse to acquire fucking West Nile Dysentery Snake Bite Cholera. So many diseases and ailments are just mashed into me. Each one keeping me alive, just so it can break me down some more. My immune system is getting put through hoops and the internet is taking advantage. Just not giving me anything. I'm going to my usual sites and getting weird responses. Like CNN's refusing to present any news. What? ESPN is vehemently against giving me sports information. Even Facebook was like, "SHE HASN'T POKED YOU BACK, GO AWAY." Chill Facebook, get off your high horse.

One of those nights where I have to go back to my roots as a blogger and just talk about straight bullshit top to bottom. Word-vomit.com/dubjeezy

PS: Not a real website.

So...Should I Buy The Divorce Ring Now?

Not that I'm pessimistic or anything, but there is almost a 100% chance I'm getting a divorce. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I'm just going to get divorced on and it's something I have to live with. Whether it be me playing one too many videogames or still writing a blog called "A Working Man's Diary", my future wife is going to get tired of the antics. With all of that said, I want to go out with a bang. Not the sexual kind, but the baller heartbreak diamond ring that'll let everyone know how much of a boss I was/wasn't.

Some may say that for it's purpose, it's wildly overpriced at $3,200. Others may say it looks like something you can find at the bottom of a pretty nice Cracker Jacks box. These things are such a mindfuck. I have no idea what the rules are either. Do I wear one if I was the divorcee? It seems like the only logical move at that point right? When I reignite my game back at the bars, I want my new fancy divorce ring to spit all the game for me. I'm fully expecting to just stand there and do the Beyonce "Single Ladies" dance and have my pick of the desperate woman litter.

Seriously, how bad is it that there is a fucking DIVORCE ring in existence? Faith in all things good is plummeting rapidly.

Last I Checked It Was Like July 16th

Stepped outside my house to go to work this morning and turned right back around due to my blatant summer attire. Looking all suave and shit in my fresh t-shirt rockin' shades...only to realize that suddenly it's 50 degrees out and raining. Forgot that after labor day weekend things take a drastic turn in regards to sickness and overall promising times.

When the sun first showed itself back in May I had so much shit planned. Said I was going to get a golf membership. Only hit the links once...turned in my score card and started drinking beers at hole 12. Never tossed a Frisbee or put together any sort of wiffle ball game. Purchased a grill. Grilled once. Trips were highlighted by the Bahamas, Florida, Myrtle Beach, Maine and upstate New York. Seems as though I should really seize the day if September presence itself with a few pleasant surprises. Enjoy school kids.

I Think The "Cuffin' Season" Graphic Just Changed My Life

^shoutout to Toysldrs

This graph is the truest/funniest shit I've seen in awhile. It's also scary because this is literally what I go through every year at this time. Guess I'm not alone. It's like harvesting season when you see tons of squirrels going HAM with acorns and shit. Dudes and chicks alike looking to get scooped up before the harsh winter breeze flows through.

"Are you drunk right now?"

This Burrito Potentially Ruined My Labor Day Weekend

Had this little monster on Friday afternoon and I felt like I was a member of FEMA doing a poor job tending to a disaster. Sending out newsletters and shit like, "We have the burrito under control, please understand that we are doing the best we can."

I'd like to consider myself a burrito connoisseur. One that can recognize and adapt to the intricacies of a burrito. As you can see, I kept the foil on and wasn't playing any rookie ball bullshit. But this picture proves that even the best can falter. Sometimes you can't overlook those small holes that have a couple grains of rice poking through--they quickly turned into large holes where there is simply no return. You may ask, "Dub, did you grab a fork and just concede defeat to the burrito?" Answer: fuck no. I'm going out fighting even though I'm staring down the barrel of a messy face, multiple napkin runs, and the ridicule that comes with eating a depleted burrito like a jackass. I'll say it, I was ashamed of myself. I know I'm better than that, but I also know I have to work harder to make sure it doesn't happen again.

PS. I'm pretty sure that the next girl that can actually watch me eat a burrito without being utterly disgusted or making fun of me will be my wife. There's no clearer sign of love than catching someone wipe their sour-cream/salsa covered hand under the bottom of the chair and pretending not to notice.

Brenda's Stressed Out Because Of The 130 Rabbits Living In Her Trailer

I almost threw up at the 50 second mark. Looked like a million rats scurrying around with no sense of direction. Gross. The real question here is, rabbits? You picked rabbits?

Rabbits are the definition of mediocre. They rank at a solid C+/B- on the scale of ownable pets. Toss a piece of lettuce and fill up their water bottle and it's God's work from there. If it dies, it dies and it's not on your hands as long as you provided that lettuce. I can live with that. It's not like a dog or a cat where there's clear emotional attachment and I'm having uncomfortable conversations about why the litter box is gone and there's no more cat food in the cupboard. Then there's fucking Brenda. Brenda completely flips the script as far as societal norms go. Just letting rabbit after rabbit come into her home to fornicate, shit, and vomit everywhere. Frat party central, rabbit style. But there's no beer pong, flip cup, or hot sorority girls. Just faceless, nameless rabbits tearing a family apart.

"My mom's never been like this"--What? No one goes from zero to owning 130 rabbits just like that. This shit was calculated, assessed, and reassessed. You were probably too busy downing cheeseburgers to notice the small rabbit outbreak happening around you tubs.

I Fully Believe This Old Bag When She Says She's 121 Years Old

I hope no one's disputing this because that's literally the oldest thing I've ever seen. I've seen some sequoia trees, antique desks, and ancient turtles, but my girl Maria looks like hell. Weathered beyond belief. On some, "she might be dead" shit for sure.

Plus, doesn't it look like she just ate the illest Lemon Warhead of all-time? Something so diabolically sour that her face basically imploded on itself. Looks like a crumpled up plastic bag. Based on this picture alone there should be no debate about her age, so everyone should back off and let her fizzle to dust naturally and in peace.