Joaquin Phoenix is a Jerk

Came to work today, grabbed the mail on the way, and this was on the cover of New York Magazine.

I tried to find this photo on the webs but it's not there yet. Sorry about the glare.

He looks like Ozzy Osbourne ate Danzig and burped up Charles Manson. Why you gotta make a bitch feel old as fuck, Joaquin? What a dick. I'm hella younger than you.

Just to remind everyone born after 1985, this is the kid from Spacecamp..
















Thanks, Joaquin Phoenix, for ruining my day. I'm off to drown myself in collagen now.

Here's Three or Four Things I Found On YouTube While Procrastinating

I'm still lost in the fur of that crazy shaggy dog I posted like eight years ago. This is kind of a monster post, video-wise, to make up for not posting lately.

When you have to get work done (on a fucking Sunday), it's really awesome that there's loads of stuff to distract you. Thanks, internet. I already have ADHD. I don't need any help wasting time.

I'm writing this essay about stuff that happened in the 90s, so naturally I had to look up Jamiroquai.

Then I had to know what song Napoleon Dynamite danced to. Google creeps me out/amazes me when it finishes my search phrases: "Jamiroquai what song..." I typed. "...is in Napoleon Dynamite" Google finished. It's like an echo.

Also, I searched for that Wyclef Jean song.


Finally I found this.


Fingers crossed that my next post will be relevant within the last two years.

These Games Still Matter: USMNT/Jamaica Recap and Player Ratings

    

           I had a tough time tonight trying to find someone to watch USMNT’s second to last World Cup qualifying match. “Jamaica sucks,” said some. “This game doesn’t matter, we already qualified,” said others. “But you smell bad,” chirped yet others. And while Jamaica isn’t the highest quality opponent the Americans have downed in this cycle of qualification and I may or may not have been bathing in my own body odor all day, I couldn’t shake the fact that people think these last 2 games don’t matter.
           
            Look, soccer isn’t the most popular sport here. I get that. I also get that tonight’s result has no bearing on Brazil because the United States has already qualified. But there were pertinent factors that affect the national team set-up in play tonight.

The lineup is a work in progress
           
            For the duration of the first half against Jamaica, we saw just how heavily the U.S. midfield burden falls on Michael Bradley’s shoulders. As admirable a possession player Mix Diskerud is, he lacks the box-to-box runs of a player like Bradley. And while Jermaine Jones is certainly a more combative type, he does not possess the same level of technical prowess as Bradley.

            This match showed us that, excluding central midfield, the U.S. actually has quality depth depth for the first time in a while. Brad Evans continues to impress at right back. Geoff Cameron looked very comfortable slotting into CB for someone who plays RB at Stoke City. It will be interesting to see if he or Clarence Goodson challenges the favored Besler/Gonzales center back pairing before Brazil 2014. Bedoya looked good again at right midfield, but then again so did Zusi.

            Klinsmann’s men lined up in a 4-4-2 with a diamond midfield today, deviating from their usual 4-2-3-1. It was good to see that Aron Johansson is a viable backup target forward, if a bit raw. And with Dempsey, Donovan, Zusi, Bedoya, Corona, Eddie Johnson, and Fabian Johnson to play attacking midfield or the wide positions, the U.S. has an exciting wealth of attacking talent.

Become a seeded team is an unlikely but possible scenario
           
            The next FIFA world rankings come out October 17. According to World Cup rules, the top 8 teams in these next rankings (or top 7 and the host in this case) will be the seeded teams for World Cup 2014 and will get to navigate weaker opposition in the group stages. With a win tonight and a win in Panama, the U.S. should vault to 10^th in the rankings. While it is unlikely that the teams in between the USMNT and 7^th spot will falter, the carrot of the U.S.A’s first ever World Cup seeding is enough to give these last 2 games significance.

Ratings (out of 10, 5 being average)

GK Tim Howard: 5.5 – Scared us all by spilling an early free kick, Howard settled down and performed well in the face of an ordinary night’s work. Made a nice save late to preserve the clean sheet.

RB Brad Evans: 7 – Unfortunate to give away a dangerous free kick late in the first half as his slide tackle seemed to dispossess Mattocks cleanly. Kept Mattocks in his back pocket for most of the game, not allowing the dangerous wide man to trouble Howard’s goal. Didn’t get down the flank much but wasn’t asked to against a generally brittle Jamaica backline.

CB Geoff Cameron: 6.5 – Remained composed throughout a generally easy defensive game. Gets a .5 bump for starting at CB while normally out right for his club. Occasionally lost physical battles with Ryan Johnson.

CB Matt Besler: 6.5 – Becoming a relied-upon presence at the back despite his relative inexperience, it is a credit to his talent that since his debut start in the scoreless draw against Mexico at the Azteca Stadium he has started almost every international game sans the Gold Cup.

LB DaMarcus Beasley: 6 – Not at his most composed defensively, but had the pace to make up for his mistakes and limit Brown’s threat down the U.S. left flank. Missed a good chance to open the scoring and was replaced by Castillo in the 66^th minute.

CDM Jermaine Jones: 5 – Did not allow Jamaica time and space on the counterattack but struggled with distribution. Lacks the vision and technical skill of Bradley as he looked to launch long-ball after long-ball over the top with little success.

RM Alejandro Bedoya: 6 – Had a quiet first half and was a little sloppy with his passing. But was a more lively presence in the second half and contributed a fine assist to Graham Zusi’s opener.

LM Landon Donovan: 4.5 – Looked fatigued and tedious on the ball, lacking the creativity that’s come to be expected of him at this point. Drifted in and out of the game and was replaced at halftime by Zusi.

CAM Mix Diskerud: 5.5 – Kept possession ticking over well for the United States but lacked the eye for a killer pass that should accompany responsibility as the team’s primary playmaker. Looked much better at the end of the game.

ST Aron Johansson: 6.5 – In a sloppy first half for the hosts, Johansson looked hungry and thus the likeliest to make the breakthrough. Didn’t put away a few half-chances but suffered a lack of service. Always looked to find the ball and make positive plays.

ST Jozy Altidore: 6 – Helped out on the first goal and scored the second, but not a great performance from Jozy. Looked out of sync with his strike partner, Johansson, and mistimed a handful of early runs into the box. Took his goal with composure to make it 6 in the last 6 international contests for the U.S’s starting striker.

Subs

Edgar Castillo: 6.5 – Good performance from the much-maligned left back/midfielder. Looked to push play up the left flank immediately after coming on for Beasley and made a good assist for Altidore’s goal.

Graham Zusi: 8 – The difference maker tonight for the national team. Playing in front of his home crowd in Kansas City, the playmaker seemed to have the creative spark that the U.S. lacked earlier. Pounced on a loose ball in the box to break the deadlock.

Sacha Kljestan: 5.5 – Looked tidy in possession in an 18 minute cameo appearance. Is always good to play possession and help kill off a game but offers little direct threat, as evidenced by his wasting of Zusi’s good cross.

After You Watch This Video, You've Essentially Taken Ecstasy

(Full screen it)

There it is, guys.  We all just did ecstasy together.  Yes it was awful and yes I almost started to cry.  Wasn't that all of your reactions too?

Hate voodoo like this.  I felt like a prisoner the entire time thinking that some ghost/scary picture would randomly pop up when I gave it my full attention.  Good thing it was just your standard, run of the mill hallucination video.  Phew.

This is what the kids are doing at Dubstep shows these days?  Idiots.

The Internet Can Be A Cruel Place

Sometimes you send a selfie and it gets in the wrong hands.  When that happens, it belongs to the internet.  Anything that happens after is fair game.  It could be seen by the wrong people, a desperate blogger could post it and someone could create a collage of pics illustrating your eye brow flying off of your face and turning into a bald eagle.  It's a cruel world out here.

I don't like finding pictures like these because it's my fake job to post them.  I take what the internet gives.  It's like being a shooter in the NBA left wide open.  Gotta shoot it.  Gotta exploit unibrows.

Scientists Determine That Sprite Is The Best Hangover Cure

This study can easily be renamed "We Got Really Drunk, Woke Up, Each Drank A Different Soda, And The Person That Felt The Best At 4PM Drank Sprite", but that's a little too wordy.  

Take it from me, this shit doesn't work.  I arguably have a closer relationship with Sprite than I do with a lot of relatives.  A small percentage of my bodily composition may literally be Sprite.  I have also spent time method acting as an alcoholic for the better part of my 20s.  There have been more than a few mornings where I zombied my way into the kitchen and saw stale ass, flat Sprite on the counter and chugged the whole thing.  Know what happened?  I went back to bed, kept groaning and watched an entire season of Gilmore Girls, Greek Lost on Netflix.

Here's Dub J's hangover cure: 

1) Don't drink that last shot/mixed drink at the end of the night, no matter what the scenario:  It won't make the hook-up you're undoubtedly fighting for any better and it won't make that time with friends any more fun.  Just put it down.

2) Do eat something kind of disgusting and greasy: You'll be hungry and it'll absorb all of the toxins that you drank.  At least that's what science makes me tell myself.  Oh, and you'll probs get fat, but this is about fighting hangovers not obesity.

3) When you do the requisite "get ready for bed" stuff, make sure to drink from the faucet for 20 seconds: This is the real life saver.  I'm personally too practical to pour water into a cup in such a dire situation, so this method works for me. You won't wake up with a headache and you won't deal with cotton-mouth.  NOTE: You may pee the bed, but you'll have the pee dream which kinda makes it all worth it.

4) You're going to wake up early because your body is fighting not to die.  Go back to sleep: This prolongs the hangover because as soon as your body manages to defeat it, you're tired anyway.  If you're too tired, you won't be able to do any of it again the next night.

NASA, I'm waiting for your call.  I'm a fucking scientist now, I think.

It's Official: The Marines Have Been Hit The Hardest By The Government Shutdown

Enough is enough.  It has finally hit home for me.  Sure, it doesn't explicitly mention that the Marines can't masturbate BECAUSE of the Government Shutdown, but it doesn't have to.  The writing is on the walls, along with lots and lots of bodily discharge.

Do you know how many people are going to see this notice, say "Fuck it" and proceed to porta-potty masturbate?  Everyone.  Absolutely every single male and female in the force. This may go down as the most broken rule of all time when it's all said and done.

Don't mess with masturbation, America, or else you'll find a military facility covered in crispy socks and balled up t-shirts.

Hey Kid, Watch Your Step

Sometimes podium stands sneak up on you, I get that.  Just have some dignity in the fall, kid.  It's safe to say that you didn't handle yourself well.  A few things:

1)  Is that an XFL ball?  A Rugby ball?  What fucking country is this?

2) Your teeth.  They're gone.

3) No one seemed THAT concerned that you basically died on the stage.  The woman in the wheelchair saw, but she didn't want to say anything and disrupt the ceremony.

4)  Learn from this.  People can go one of two ways after being made into a embarrassing .gif - a) hard drugs and early death or b) parlaying it into a toothless make-out with some sorority girl when you make it to college and take advantage of your brief internet celebrity.  Your choice.

(Somewhere in the distance is a father on his cell phone Googling, "How to disown a son?")

Not Exactly Thrilled About This Robot Monster Running Around

Don't really see the purpose for the "Wildcat" other than human extinction.  Seriously.  I watched the video on mute solely to avoid whatever bullshit reason they spewed for creating this thing.  Its purpose is to kill, take zero prisoners and not give a fuck about it.  If you don't think this monster will river-dance all over your skull the first chance it gets, you have way too positive of an outlook on life.

Robots are fun for a minute and then you realize, "What if they could think?  What then?" and all bets are off.  Skynet, people.

PS. Don't even get me started on Monsieur, the Robot Bartender:

This cube just looks like an asshole.  Strikes me as the type to wear a tank top that's too small and pump the cleavage out a little bit.  It wouldn't surprise me if it ignored me for 20 minutes even though I'm the only one in the house and forced me to wave my credit card in it's face to get it's attention.  Done with robots.

Walter White Obituary (Um, Spoiler Alert?)

So did anyone cry at the end of Breaking Bad?  I wanted to, but didn't.  I truly sat there and tried to will my eyes to cry, but couldn't muster up anything.  If anything deserved pure Dub J bitch-tears it was this show and it will be greatly missed.

Say what you want about the finale, the show went out correctly.  It could have been viewed as neat and tidy or convoluted and introspective.  The fact that the show gave you that option after hitting Grand Slam after Grand Slam says a lot about the quality of the "product" created by Vince Gilligan.  That being said, Albuquerque, New Mexico must be fucking sad.  Chariot turned back into a pumpkin.  People forgetting that it's a state and thinking it's actually part of Mexico.  

This obit isn't just for Walt or Breaking Bad.  It's an obituary for state pride and relevance.  RIP Albuquerque, we may never hear from you again.