Where Has This Person's Life Gone??

^swear this isn't a picture from my house...

I've been around the block in terms of video games in my day. It started with the NES and traumatic experiences with Super Mario 1-3, then SNES with even more traumatic experiences with Donkey Kong Country. Shit got real when I also acquired a Sega Genesis to compete with my love of SNES. Undoubtedly, Vectorman brought about way too much confusion and my attention span didn't allow me to beat Sonic. From there, I got a Playstation, frankly because the N64 controller scared me. I truly didn't see how you can enjoy a game with that controller. Next came the....it always hurts for me to mention it...the Sega Dreamcast. The Dreamcast was like a kitten with leukemia. It was the best time ever, but you knew it wasn't going to last long. They stopped making games for that shit like a month after it came out. Ughhh!! Got to block out the sad memories.

Oh yeah, I also had the megatron Gameboy that weighed like 13 lbs and a GameGear that was coming in at about 15. Both of those combined took 12 batteries..seriously. When I was little I'd be like, "Mom, do you mind getting like an 80 pack of Duracells when you get back from the store." It was their fault, who gets their kid a Gameboy and a GameGear.

Then came the Playstation 2. That is where social gaming emerged. I hope to never play as many games of Madden or NBA Live versus friends on Friday-Sunday afternoons as I did back then. Shit was ridonkulous. Playstation 2 also began the "systems are starting to fuck up" era. Everyone with the big PS2 knew that thing had a lifespan. I once broke out a monocle and a Phillips screwdriver and brought my PS2 back from the brink of death. It was like a surgery on TLC or some shit. I'd appreciate a virtual hand clap for my past feat please...Ok. Now here I am with a PS3 that can get access to the internet and essentially kill me if it wanted to.

This is for nostalgia purposes and to let you know there are nerdier people out there than you. AGAIN, that is not a picture from my house.

Call it Safe and Double Take...Galarraga's Perfect Game Shattered

"I just cost that kid a perfect game," said 21-year Umpire Jim Joyce. "I thought he beat the throw. I was convinced he beat the throw, until I saw the replay. It was the biggest call of my career."

Wow. As if tossing a perfect game in professional baseball isn't hard enough these days. What was going through Joyce's head when he decided to get hard-nosed and call what he thought was right while completely disregarding the situation at hand. If I was standing in blue it would've been a wrap as soon as the ball entered fair territory. "Nope, your out. Interference has to be going on somewhere...Armando Galarraga, great job being perfect. Round's on you buddy."

Hats off to Galarraga though for somehow keeping his composure. I mean who wouldn't go postal after a performance like that. Side note to the Commish: Video replay might just work.

This Will Go Down As The Move That Got Me Back Into Wrestling

Whoa. I blacked out like 7 times in a row trying to figure out what happened here. Like, I have NO idea what those other two guys are doing, but the black guy did not like it. Seriously, something must have pissed him off if he's on that, "Fuck that, I'm knockin' this dude off or I'll die trying" way of thinking.

This is what we need in the WWE. Just put a bunch of guys in the ring with nothing to lose and present the winner with a bag of money similar to those of old Looney Toons cartoons. Yeah, they'll probably be some deaths and some heavy liability issues in Year One, but people will start watching again.

Let's rearrange the adage of "you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette" and say, "you have to let a couple of guys that probably would have killed or been killed on their own fight to the death in a steel cage for a bag of money to eventually see a profit."

This Guy's Dead Right?

This would probably screw up your workday huh? Not the dead guy on the escalator, even the toughest of morning warriors can deal with that. I'm talking about transit company shutting the escalator down and forcing you to use the dreaded stairs. You can tackle the "is or isn't he dead?" question game once you get in the office, grab that coffee, log on to workingmansdiary.com, and get your day started.

Guy has to be dead though. Floppy ass limbs are tell-tale signs.

Odds Are He's Pretty Content With The Oil Spill

Have you ever seen an animal more chill than this seal? Nope. Dude is just laying on a rock catching some rays on what appears to be a beautiful Tuesday afternoon. Basically not giving a shit that oil is about to engulf (no pun intended) his entire roly poly body.

It's inspiring really. This seal really makes me think of Bruce Willis from "Armageddon" minus the actually doing something important part. It's like, he knows what's about to happen, but is not phased by it. Maybe he's being brave for his fellow sea lions or maybe he's simply too lazy. Or maybe he's wondering like the rest of us why it's taking months to stop oil from destroying the world. He probably posted up on that rock 2 weeks ago thinking he could wait it out while simultaneously napping for 18 hours a day (I mean look at it).

Seriously check out this list . These are literally our only options to stopping this oil spill. Straight up alpaca fleece and bird holocausts. When Kevin Costner makes your top 25 list on how to stop the oil spill, you know we're dying in 2012.

5'8 Dude Slams On 6'8 Dude

Felt like I was watching a Disney-Pixar production right there. Didn't feel real. I know we've seen Spud Webb and Nate Robinson, but this guy looks like he's about 14 years old. He's rockin' some serious braces.

I mean, if that was an 8.8 foot hoop and it was 2005, it'd be on for Dub Jeezy on a 7-footer. I'd be getting served for sexual harassment after dunking on herbs out here.

Confessions of a Necessary Haircut

God Damnit...I think it's time. So I've been growing out the hair since November, and it seems as though everyday society is starting to double take when I pass on the street. The problem is that there's always new and different comments, and more and more negatives are progressively kicking in.

Now, its much easier to just keep it growing despite the average opinion. Saves time, money and also adds to the spontaneity I've been searching for during my time as a rookie in the young professional world.

But whatever the case, it's clear that times are hard in regards to the hair department. After 20+ years rockin' the classic buzz cut, I didn't realize how easy it was to simply leave hair out of the equation. No need for that second shampoo rinse. Hats fit better. Showers were optional if it was solely based on looking presentable. But it's too late to revert back to the buzz. I've already made it this far. In light of these difficult times ahead, how easy would it be for me to walk into Supercuts and lay it all out for the hair dresser. Do I dare say, styled?!

"Hi, I was wondering if you could help me out...I need to even out the moptop - hoping for a more sophisticated look here, but it's gotta take off a good 5 years in age. Not trying to look in my 40's by any means, but I'd still appreciate a trim that says 'this strapping young gentleman knows what he's doing.' A style where I don't necessarily look desperate, but still genuine. Masculine, but cleaned up - a go-getter if you will. More specifically, I would like for my hair to give the impression that I bring in around 60-80 grand a year (definitely would emphasize that last point). Did you follow all that?"

"P.S. Here's a few magazine cut outs to match what I'm going for (hand over Anakin Skywalker and Superman hairstyles)."

Why is that so hard to do? Well, that may be the most outlandish statement to even consider bringing out to the public. I may need to go outta state to face my greatest fears. God forbid one of my friends catches me chatting it up with the salon ladies while getting my hair gelled.

No way, I'm better off just taking in the new and different daily opinions. From there it's back to the buzz as soon as management kicks in with their two cents.

5 Reasons You'd Eat A Shrimp Taco From Taco Bell

^and may God help your soul

1-You genuinely want to eat a cost efficient seafood taco: If this is the case, you sir/ma'am have lost your shit completely. Theoretically, the best shrimp taco you can possibly get probably wouldn't taste all that good. Add in the element of Taco Bell and you're dealing with an entirely new monster. Monster being the toilet monster.

2- You lost a bet: On an uneventful Friday or Saturday night you and your friends are drinking a bit and the commercial advertising said awful taco comes on. One friend says he'd rather die than eat that and another friend (based upon this statement) bets this friend to eat one. Arguments ensue, people get called names, and a determined amount of money (probably $25 if you're in college) piles everyone into the car on a trip to Taco Bell. The betted upon friend forces down the shrimp disaster, receives his payment, and a longtime friendship is destroyed..as well as the toilet.

3-The cashier misinterpreted what you ordered: In most situations, you'd straight up send that shit back, but the line's long and you're posted up at a great people-watching spot by the window. You're probably thinking, "eh this can't be that bad, shrimp is pretty good and it's not that big of a taco." Wait for it....wait for it. BAM! You feel awful. Literally top 5 worst feelings you've ever felt in your life and that's saying a lot because you've been bitten by a bear and a piranha at the same time. You're wishing you cut that fat chick in line now aren't you? Toilet.com

4-Life just hasn't given you a great hand overall: Because jumping off the bridge, nooses, and overdosing is so 2009, you've realized the un-best and most modern way to off yourself is via Pacific Shrimp Taco of death from TB. Rumor has it that if you top off the taco with Baja Blast Mountain Dew you burst into flames. If that's not a baller way to go, I don't know what is.

5-You want to use it as a weapon: You can't draw too much suspicion on yourself when you do this because that shit's 5-10 at least. You have to order the shrimp taco with a grimace on your face or else the attendant will hit the silent alarm. Trust me, you have to look like a customer knowingly ordering a shrimp taco, so you definitely can't be close to happy. Shit's as dangerous as Anthrax. Mail it, throw it at someone, somehow build a gun that shoots remnants of previous shrimp tacos, I don't know, the options are endless. The kicker to this is that your victim can't have a toilet around. At any costs.

Seriously, This Son Of A Bitch Killed A Ton Of Pokemon

We've all played this terribly addictive game. It was probably the largest staple in all of my childhood gaming. That means a lot coming from a Gameboy game. Had to constantly ask Mom to keep the car light on and we routinely had to go battery shopping for the most Duracells. Kept playing though. Took awhile to truly get a grasp at what was really happening in the game. Like, you'd casually peruse the grass to find that next Pokemon to join your squad or you were most definitely killing that mofo in an effort to train your big gun. The game basically said, "Oh shit, Pidgey fainted." You faint when it's really hot or when you haven't eaten, not when you get hit by a Thunderbolt. You die and you die badly.

Pokemon: Fooling children into senseless acts of murder since 1998.

thanks to Dork.ly for the pic

Memorial Day: National Day-Drinking Day

Memorial Day. Everyone's off from work (even co-blogger Craw!), the weather's usually nice (unless there's an ominous black cloud that fills the sky, I'll get to that), and inhibitions are long gone.

"Hey man, I'm going to get absolutely wild on Memorial Day, I'm pumped!"

"Dude, it's like January"

This is a true conversation you'll hear in just about every office in the United States. Direct proof that holidays gain/lose significance as you age. Back in the day Memorial Day and Yom Kippur meant the same exact thing to me. I get to go hard on Mountain Dew: Code Red and play video games all Sunday. As the years went on, the Mountain Dew bottle slowly became some sort of alcoholic beverage and it turned into one of the best holidays of the year--plus you don't get work off for Yom Kippur, unless your Jewish, I think?

Memorial Day '10 isn't any different. You probably got rocked, tossed a football, and maybe-kinda-sorta hit on a girl or two. You're just living the American dream. My dream was rattled a bit when I awoke at the brisk hour of 12:30pm and went outside to see a black cloud legit covering Boston. Because I'm the 6th bravest person you know, I didn't panic, turned on the news and heard, "never mind the black cloud in the sky, it's just smoke from Quebec." Hmm. Was there a fire in Quebec? Did Quebec straight up burn down? Are they trying to salt our game because they don't have a "Memorial Day"? Needless to say, it truly affected me for about 6 minutes before I completely stopped caring about it.

Another strange hitch in the day occurred when I saw a fucking "Sonic" out on the thruway. Maybe I'm just out of touch with society, but I really thought it was advertising genius and there never was a Sonic fast-food place. Oh well, even really smart people like me are wrong occasionally. Next, our stereotypically necessary Memorial Day beach football game was one of the most poorly constructed ideas of gaming ever. For some reason, we played 3 downs, had arbitrary touchdown spots, and the idea of "out-of-bounds" wasn't even mentioned. We played for 2 hours, scored a total of three touchdowns between both teams and unanimously quit the game because people were starting to get hurt. In retrospect, it was embarrassing, but it had to be done in honor of our troops.

So, next time you see a black cloud in the sky that is presumably the remains of Quebec, you forge ahead. Why? Because miracles do happen and you learn through a pulled groin, blisters, shoulder separations, and concussions, how to effectively play beach football.

Work's going to suck tomorrow/today.