Because It's Friday

My man just couldn't hang.  We've all been there though.  Friday afternoon dragging on, you don't feel like finishing up that report.  You check your internal work messaging system to see if your boss is still around.  You fell asleep with your eyes open for like 20 minutes.  Both of your feet are asleep.  There's an empty bag of Swedish Fish that you don't remember eating.  You're wearing two completely different sets of headphones in your left and right ear.  It's the end of the week and you fucking struggled through it.  Just power your way home, get into your bed, knock yourself unconscious and forget everything happened like this puppy probably did. 

PS.  We're just going to completely gloss over the fact that it might be dead.

The Miami Heat Do The Stupid Harlem Shake And I'm Upset That I Like It

I'm going to focus on Chris Bosh specifically in this video.  He needed this more than anyone.  No one has seen Bosh off the court after Wayne claimed that he had sex with his wife.  The best solution: outweird the situation.  Be so over the top weird that people will completely forget about this affair thing.  Well, not really, but at least take our minds off it for a second.

1)  Mario Chalmers' costume is hilarious.

2)  Good to see Ray Allen come out of his shell.

3)  Super creative of LeBron to dress like a "King."

Birdman in Miami?  He must be doing some unworldly drugs down there.  Shout out to him and his dealer.

Airwrecka McBride Says Hi

Probably the best/worst way to end Black History Month.

PS. Boy do I feel bad for that air.

WOOF

This is the official goodbye to the hot Kim K.  Gone are the shapely, borderline inappropriate outfits and out come the camou-pants that have to do God's work.  These are the pants equivalent of a single mother working 3 jobs to put her kids through college.

You know what I thought when I saw this?

I pictured this:

A fucking can of Pillsbury bursting at the seams.  How sad is that?  The fact that I am associating the Doughboy with what used to be one of the hottest in the game can bring a tear to my eye.

RIP, SexTapeLink.

PS. My MS Paint skills are becoming super special.

They're Building The Titanic All Over Again Because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Because anytime you can make me relive this awful, awful moment:

you have to do it

Guess it's officially time to pull that Band-Aid off, buy some stronger adhesive and get back out there, gang.  And by get back out there, I mean "Ireland, stay the fuck away from this ship."  Your country has lost the privilege to build ships.  

So obviously we called in the big time reinforcements for a job this big.

Reinforcement 1:  Clive Palmer, the rich-ass Australian mining tycoon who's funding the whole operation

I don't think Clive could be more tycoon-looking if he tried.  White? Check.  Obese? Check.  General lack of concern for what's going on around him?  Double-check.  Dude's absolutely perfect for the role of "guy who funds the 2nd biggest ship-related disaster ever."

Reinforcement 2: China

This picture right here is exactly why this ship would get made in like 20 minutes.  It may not be pretty or ethical, but China gets shit done.  Put millions of hands, feet, and toddlers to work and you're going to get iPads.  Lots of them.  If rich ass Clive can somehow broker a deal and shift the production focus from Legos and every toy ever to ship materials, we may be on to something.

Not the slightest bit mad that the United States wasn't given a call.  It's a delicate ecosystem that we deal with.  Australian tycoons have the money, China has the manpower and the United States has the dumb idiots that forgot "Titanic" was about a ship hitting a glacier.  

Don't worry, everyone will have a blast for the first 90 minutes until it becomes a real drag with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Jennifer Lawrence dying in the ocean and shit. 

Today In "Why Haven't They Cured Cancer Yet?": Scientists URGE Us To Fart On Airplanes

"Holding back flatulence can lead to "discomfort and even pain, bloating, dyspepsia and pyrosis," according to the article, titled "Flatulence on Airplanes: Just Let it Go." 

(I think I could have renamed this blog "Flatulence on Airplanes: Just Let it Go" instead of WMD and I wouldn't have skipped a beat.)

First things first, pyrosis (if it's heartburn why not call it heartburn, you snooty assholes) does NOT look like a good time:

  

I can probably do without having a Super Mario Bros. fireball randomly develop on my stomach and lungs, but I have a moral code to follow.

With that said, a rite of passage in a man's life is the ability to strategically hold in farts.  I've been in at least one million situations where farting could have literally ruined my life.  School plays, college projects, hanging out with a girl in any situation, moments of silence, the "Star Spangled Banner" at sports games, funerals, airplanes, buses, trains,  and elevators.  The only safe haven we have left is farting outside on a windy day because the crime can never actually get pinned on you and you can employ the "whoever smelt it, dealt it" defense anytime you want.  

Now scientists went ahead and ruined everything.  A medical encouragement to fart is the biggest trap in the history of traps.  I can see scientists coming out on April 1st saying, "GOTCHA!  You stank motherf******!"  You guys can dump your pants on planes all you want, but I'm going to be a traditionalist and have my lungs catch on fire the old-fashioned way. 

PS. Serious question: Would you rather be a regular person or the person that discovered that people can officially fart on airplanes?

PPS. Girls?  Girls don't fart.  Duh.

And Here's 50 Cent Sexually Harassing Erin Andrews

All future company "Ethics" meetings should last like 3 minutes and have a continuous loop of this .Gif with a red "X" through it. Pretty sure that's the best explanation of how not to conduct yourself in society.

There's a "Damn homie" joke that's out there, but I just can't find it.

Emaciated, Lethargic Penguin Washes Ashore In New Zealand

From what I gather in this story, penguins are getting bored as hell in Antarctica and tossing themselves in the ocean to see where they end up.  Risky play? Yes.  YOLO?  Definitely.  But this shit is horrifically depressing.  If penguins are getting sad, what does this world have to offer.

Life was so bad this penguin fucking chanced it in the ocean.  You know how insane the idea of "chancing it" in the ocean is?  This guy just ignored the idea of sharks, boats, orcas, starvation, muscle breakdown and even more boredom and went forward.  Probably the dumbest, most bold idea of all time from a penguin perspective.

I can't imagine seeing an emaciated penguin.  That's 100% the funniest thing I can ever imagine seeing.  Penguins are hilarious enough, but a very confused thoroughly hungry penguin aimlessly stumbling around would be high comedy.  

Obviously I'd save it's life and bring it back to perfect health so we can be best friends forever, but for that first moment, I would have a very genuine laugh.

10 Year Old Calls 911 To Avoid Bedtime

Bedtime sucks.  It's one of the worst things that has ever happened in all of our lives.  You spend half the time staring at the clock and the other half not getting anything accomplished because you're freaking out about going to bed.  It's the closest thing to purgatory in a young boy's life.  That's no way to live.  Sometimes you have to go rogue and do something outside of the box.

My personal go-to move was asking for food at weird hours so I had to stay up by default.  It was a dangerous play because 95% of the time I wasn't hungry at all, but when Monday Night Raw was on, something had to give.  Basically I perfected how to rearrange the food on my plate so it looked like I actually ate something.  Real desperate, real stupid and rarely worked.  What's more desperate though is calling the god damn police on your mother so you can stay up.

There is no way to quantify how bad my mother would have whooped my ass but there hasn't been a number invented yet to describe it.  Ironically, it wouldn't have been legal and I would have 1000% had to call 911 to save my life.  I bet this mother-son combo had a nice laugh about it and had ice-cream afterwards.  Lolz, white people.

Boston Commuters Doing It Big Per Usual

I'm a train guy.  I know the types of vagrants, derelicts and trick-ass marks that frequent the train.  Occasionally you'll see someone playing with themselves or a woman yelling at her reflection in the window. I just put my headphones on, stare at non-crazy people semi-accidentally and zone out for the ride.

Well this wonky character tried to bring a fucking adult-tricycle on board a bus.  All bets are off.  There is crazy and then there is attach a cardboard box to the back of your trike crazy.  Next level shit.  That person KNEW there was a -100% chance that contraption would make it on the bus, but part of him/her said, "Why not?"  That's the type of crazy that scares me.

Also, this isn't a manufactured vehicle.  This thing looks to be part bicycle, part other bicycle, and part shopping cart.  Combine that all together and you get the homeless version of the Megazord.

Just picture this:

and make it like 10,000x more homeless and you're there.

PS.  I'd really like to interview this batshit crazy person.  But obviously in a Anthony Hopkins-Jodie Foster, "Silence of the Lambs" type of scenario.