Monday, February 25, 2013

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Today In "Why Haven't They Cured Cancer Yet?": Scientists URGE Us To Fart On Airplanes

(I think I could have renamed this blog "Flatulence on Airplanes: Just Let it Go" instead of WMD and I wouldn't have skipped a beat.)

First things first, pyrosis (if it's heartburn why not call it heartburn, you snooty assholes) does NOT look like a good time:


I can probably do without having a Super Mario Bros. fireball randomly develop on my stomach and lungs, but I have a moral code to follow.

With that said, a rite of passage in a man's life is the ability to strategically hold in farts.  I've been in at least one million situations where farting could have literally ruined my life.  School plays, college projects, hanging out with a girl in any situation, moments of silence, the "Star Spangled Banner" at sports games, funerals, airplanes, buses, trains,  and elevators.  The only safe haven we have left is farting outside on a windy day because the crime can never actually get pinned on you and you can employ the "whoever smelt it, dealt it" defense anytime you want.  

Now scientists went ahead and ruined everything.  A medical encouragement to fart is the biggest trap in the history of traps.  I can see scientists coming out on April 1st saying, "GOTCHA!  You stank motherf******!"  You guys can dump your pants on planes all you want, but I'm going to be a traditionalist and have my lungs catch on fire the old-fashioned way. 

PS. Serious question: Would you rather be a regular person or the person that discovered that people can officially fart on airplanes?

PPS. Girls?  Girls don't fart.  Duh.

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