Wednesday, February 6, 2013

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As Long As You're Not Committing Murders, You Can Thrive As A Criminal In Chicago

If Chicago was worried about it's tourism, all fears should be put aside. It's a god damn grab-bag giveaway going down in the Murder Capital. Cops are straight up too busy dealing with the 19 murders per minute to deal with any type of crime where a person doesn't die.

So remember as a rule of thumb, kids: Don't beat anyone to the point where their heart stops beating and you're in the clear. The cops won't come. Need a new TV? Just get drunk, stroll into Best Buy, grab that 42" Samsung LED, walk out, punch the store attendant trying to stop to you in their orbital socket, go to the parking lot, steal a car, drive drunk, hit some people (BUT MAKE SURE THEY AIN'T DEAD THOUGH), and go home to illegally download the Taylor Swift discology. This is possible because you're in a state where Grand Theft Auto is literally handled over the phone.

911: "Yes, how can we help you today?"

Victim: "Someone stole my car!"

911: "Oh, ummmm....what did it look like?"

Victim: "It was a black Honda Accord, license pla.."

911: "Eh, it's probably gone"

Victim: "What? I didn't even finish telling you the license number"

911: "How the hell are we supposed to find a black car? Wait, wait..did anyone die in that car?"

Victim: "No of course not. Why wou.."

911: ::Dial Tone::

Moral of the story: Chicago is real bad. I don't know how they're putting up the murder numbers that they're putting up, but it's impressive in a depressing way. Like 5 people died while I wrote this blog, I'm pretty sure. People are either super pissed about stuff, have unlimited access to an array of deadly weapons or are eerily fragile/die very easily. Most likely a combo platter.

Makes me respect Carl Winslow even more and I didn't think that was possible.

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