The Invasion Has Begun

NANTUCKET, Mass. — A cleaning crew has found an unexpected mess after arriving at Sea Dog Brew Pub on Nantucket: a 5-foot-long shark blocking the door.

Pub manager Jimmy Agnew says he doesn't know why anyone would have dumped the sea creature there.

Nantucket's public works department hauled the dead shark away after its discovery around 7 a.m. Thursday. (AP)

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I think it's pretty obvious what's happening here. And I don't like it one bit.

That's right. Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide Antoine Dodson cause they eatin' everybody out here. What you might call a prank pulled by some idiot in Nantucket, I call the first shot fired in a global inter-species struggle that will determine the fate of the planet.

Consider the facts. Do sharks normally come onto dry land? No. Do I know for a fact that they can't? What am I some sort of fucking marine biologist? And don't tell me, "But, Smeesh, sharks have gills. They need water." Uhh, dude, were you even watching TV on July 11? They've already managed to create Sharknado (link courtesy of Flip) technology. Adapting to live (and fight) on land only makes sense. 

God help us if the dogs join in and we have to face a full-blown Hurricanine.

Me? I think this little 5-footer is just a scout. Made it all the way inland to the Sea Dog Brew Pub before running out of gas too. Just doing the whole "Oh hey, bros, don't mind me I'm just here to get my drink on" thing before biting a hole the size of Vince Vaughn's dome out of the bartender. (Total power move catching a buzz before launching a full-scale invasion, by the way.)

And lest we forget what week it is starting Sunday. Think sharks don't know about Shark Week? Think a-fucking-gain. Sharks are gonna just start waltzing out of the water and Discovery Channel weirdos are gonna run up to them all excited and promptly get devoured like a Crunch Wrap Supreme at 3AM when I'm drunk.

So go ahead. Tell me I'm crazy. And while you're living the last few days of your lives in blissful ignorance I'll be going all "Kevin Costner from Water World" on these aquatic sons-of-bitches.

@SmeeshWMD

Guy From Oklahoma Who Plays Football In Philly Is A Racist. Go Figure.

I've never been to Oklahoma, but I've met people who are from Oklahoma. I'd argue that about 84 percent of the white people down there are racist to some level (except for Jim Ross, God bless Jim Ross).

I've been to Florida a few times. It's not that racist, but it's the weirdest fucking state ever. They just let a latino man get away with killing a black kid who beat him up. Shit, just look at @_FloridaMan if you're on the Twitter machine. Last update: Florida Man Taken To Police Station For Driving Without A License, Urinates On X-Ray Machine, Detention Officer. It's weird. Really weird.

I've been to Philly a few times, too. I also go to Penn State and am surrounded by Philly people. Philly is terrifying. The people are assholes (Brotherly Love isn't real in Philadelphia), they whip out the phrase "I'm from Philly!" every chance they get like it's an 11 inch dick and they can be horribly, horribly racist.

Mix that all together, and you get the above video of Oklahoma native Riley Cooper, who played college football at the University of Florida and plays for the Philadelphia Eagles, saying he'd fight "every *REDACTED BECAUSE I'M WHITE* here" at a Kenny Chesney concert. Apparently, black people listen to Kenny Chesney. Which is unfortunate. Kenny Chesney sucks.

Denzel Guarantees All of It

Just a silly mashup of Denzel Washington guaranteeing shit in different movies. I feel like some of those guarantees fall short. I don't think I can trust all of his guarantees.

James Harden With The Most Disrespectful, Mass-Produced Signature I've Ever Seen

That shit clearly says "Cnh."  Two of the letters are lower-case and only ONE of those letters is an initial in James Harden's name. Absolutely shocking that he said, "yeah, we'll go with this one" on millions of these basketballs getting shipped out.  To add insult to injury, he couldn't even sign it with a black marker.  He had to go with the very specific, very disrespectful Sisqo hair color.  Plain and simple, there are a lot of factors coming into play that make you not want to play basketball anymore.

And obviously you never want to make your rain-making hand tired:

Don't know how things like this fly.  I get signature anxiety every single time I sign something.  With each passing check or receipt, my signature becomes more assholish.  Maybe James and I aren't so different.

Never forget:

McGriddles.  #TurnDownForWhat

Flamingo Dancing To "Cotton-Eyed Joe"

Just kidding.  That's a flamingo going through a very real panic attack because it's probably trapped against its will and not out doing flamingo things.  Shitting his pants for 30 straight seconds.  We've all been here before.  Ever pop into a room and immediately knew something was wrong?  Well basically this flamingo with less RPMs.

PS. What's good with "Cotton-Eyed Joe" by the way?  The internet tells me that cotton-eyed means either: lovesick, an STD or bug-eyed.  For such a cheery song, we all forget that Joe has to deal with an eerie combo of being an unfortunate-faced creeper riddled with a series of STDs.

Friends Ask Dub: Is Getting Told By Your Wife/GF That "Someone's In The House And That You Should Investigate" The Worst Thing Ever?

(Haven't done a Friends Ask Dub segment in ages because I forgot that I even did them.  Function of getting old I guess.  Oh well, they are back until I forget again)

As a man, one of the worst things in the world is being expected to do "guy" things.  I BARELY know how to use a screwdriver so if something breaks, we have to buy a new something. You can also get the fuck out of here if you think I'm facing off against a rodent or insect - if they make it inside the house, they won and we have to move.  I've been in zero fights, so I probably can't defend anybody.  Overall I'm a C+ dude.  Take away WMD and my diminishing athleticism and I devolve into a high-maintenance 12 year old girl.

To answer the question: Yes, it's the worst.  What could she possibly think is going to happen?  You're going to wake up spry just aching to defend your home?  Nope.  You're going to struggle to get up, you won't be able to open your right eye, and you may cramp up in your calf muscle.  You also have no idea where the bat is.  Quite literally the easiest target for a robber or murderer.  Like, "Hey honey, I'll gladly get hacked up so you can hear my screams, scramble around the bedroom, hide in the closet and get hacked up yourself."  Overall a tremendous time waste.  Just lay there and scream at Siri to do something.  She won't but you can at least feel like you tried to do something.

Has Anyone Heard Of A Drink Called A "Crimson Fizz"? Because It Defined My Weekend

Yeah, that's an orange peel.  Pure opulence in the rawest of forms.  

I went out to DC this weekend for an engagement party and obviously felt like I had to step my game up in all facets of life.  Sure, maybe the result of me "stepping my game up" resembled getting too drunk, twerking to "Baby Got Back" in front of the parents of the future bride and groom, and eating 2 pounds of chili, but the silver lining might be my impeccable brunch drink order.  Every dude was trying to be a hero and suffer through a Bloody Mary even though exactly zero of them liked it.  Being the forward-thinking, societal trailblazer that I am, I ordered the brightest, flimsiest looking drink on the menu solely because the word "pomegranate" was used.  Fuck if I know what a pomegranate looks like or even if it's a fruit or a vegetable, but I'm going to order it every time it's associated with a cocktail.

Moral of the story: you're out of your mind if you think the Crimson Fizz is a chick drink.  It's 2013.  There is no such thing as "chick" or "guy" anything.  Have you seen sunglasses, v-neck shirts, capris, and tank tops lately?  Androgynous is in.  I'm just trying to get you all hip to things before you're the lame standing in the corner drinking a Bud heavy because you don't know how to live your life.

Smeesh's Monday Musings

In what I hope becomes a regular feature here on WMD, I’m taking a quick look at a few things that have been on my mind this past week.

Without further ado here are Smeesh’s Monday Musings, your Monday morning time-killer, good/bad/ugly style:

The Good – Everyone’s favorite part-rapper-part-singer-all-weed-enthusiast Kid Cudi has announced “The Cud Life Tour 2013” featuring Big Sean, Tyler the Creator, and Logic. The Fucking Walking Paradox is a favorite of mine and I’m interested to see how much of Odd Future he brings with him. I've never heard much from Logic, but anyone who can seamlessly incorporate 6 Batman characters into 4 lines (as he did on his verse in C Dot Castro’s “World Wide”) is good in my book.

The Bad – You’ve probably heard it by now, but we haven’t covered it. Dennis Farina died last week at the age of 69. I've always felt like he was one of those great actors who never quite sprung to mind when thinking about “top 10 actors” lists or any of that noise. Underrated for sure. Anyway, it’s sad to see him go. Ray Barboni will always be one of the best characters in cinematic history.

The Ugly – I’m always going to be proud of my Philadelphia fandom.  But it’s hard to get excited about a team that not only starts Delmon Young regularly, but used him as a cleanup hitter more than once over the past week. The Phils have now dropped 8 in a row and will almost certainly go into seller mode, jettisoning their valuable pieces (i.e. Chase Utley and Cliff Lee) for promising prospects. As a eulogy of sorts, here’s .gif of Young, Delmon plying his trade in right field. I think it may just encapsulate the 2013 Phillies season perfectly.

Maybe toss a follow my way? @SmeeshWMD

I Thought It Said T-Rex

Happy Saturday, y'all. I'm dog sitting for a friend, so ain't nothing goin' on but the internet. I saw this robot video that my lazy, dumbass brain read as "T-Rex Robot" and I thought, "fucking YES!" Robots are the shit, and the Tyrannosaurus rex is the lord of badass dinosaurs, if The Land Before Time taught us nothing else besides tree stars. Incidentally, I watched 11/12 of that movie's sequels one summer, so I'm kind of an expert.

As it happens, it's RHex the Robot. And, my razor tooth dreams are shredded. This is still pretty rad, if you think about physics and whatnot, and what it could mean for the future of vehicular movement. But I'm still a little disappointed. Now I'd like to share that disappointment.

Hi, My Name is...

Smeesh. Yup, Smeesh.

I believe I was put on this world to talk sports, make dick jokes, and post cat videos. And I thoroughly plan on living up to my destiny.  On second thought, that might just be something I thought of when I was drunk.

Fuck it, I’m doing it anyway.

I’m the new guy over here at WMD. Dub was nice enough to offer me a chance to be his free labor (wait, what?) and I took it. God knows why. I’m from Philadelphia so I think I can offer a new perspective. I’m crude, antisocial, have the career prospects of a young Mork Encino, and I've been told I have very effeminate features (sup ladies).

So if you see me here at WMD, don’t be scared. Come up and say hi. Pat me on the head. I won’t bite. Well, okay if it’s Monday I might bite, but is that not understandable? Nonetheless, any other day of the week come and chat. Maybe we can share a quick bite at Arbys, The Rainforest Cafe, Gary Busey's house Captain D’s.