Monday, March 24, 2014

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The War Between Charmin And Cottonelle Is Getting Nastier And Nastier...

This has officially gotten ugly.  For the uninitiated, this battle has been going on for a long, long time.  Dead serious, I almost got into a fight in college over toilet paper related tension.

I'll be honest, I'm a toilet paper snob.  It's the one thing I will absolutely ball out for.  Actually, I lied.  I also ball out for pancake/waffle syrup, but that's another battle.  Think about it - there is no more sacred ground than your butt.  You can't mess around and get some elementary school bathroom grade T-P.  Shit might give you leprosy or something.

Let's go to the video tape pictures that I found on the internet after two seconds of Google searching: 


Charmin's "Does a bear shit in the woods?" subtle advertising trick is fucking disgusting.  I can't sit down for dinner at night and watch a bear pick toilet paper speckles from his butthole and not feel like throwing up a little bit.  Shit's gross.  

Mannnnnn, wut?  This is just cheating by Cottonelle.  Almost disrespectful to our creative palettes.  Like, 

Marketing Guy #1:  "Hey, people like dogs" 
Marketing Guy #2:  "Yeah...they definitely do"
Chief Marketing Officer: "Then let's literally put a dog on every single bag of toilet paper that we sell"
(All of them collectively): *high five and do a bucket of cocaine*

I love pups, but dammit, this just doesn't make a lot of sense.  (But those 'soft ripples' make so much sense)

"Oh my god, Dub, those tweets are clearly fake" - the Internet.  If you don't think I know that, you don't know the wild wild west of blogging.  And of course, shots were still fired by Charmin.

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