Monday, March 31, 2014

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Google Told Me That I Could Get A Job With Them As "Pokemon Master", But Then They Lied And Effectively Ruined My Life

My sails are so windless right now.  I don't know up from down.  I'm just plain disheveled.  If you've been living under a rock today, Google told the world that they were recruiting for the role of "Pokemon Master" and made an update to Google Maps that included a Pokemon catching game.  Well guess fucking what?  It was an April Fool's joke.  A joke.  My life, at that very moment, made into a joke.

Yeah, I have my regular job.  I also have my blogging job.  I have hopes, dreams, aspirations and all of that other sappy shit, but being a Pokemon Master is my calling.  I was literally not meant to do anything better in life.  The moment Pokemon Red and Blue came out, it was like everything was decided.  I was going to spend the rest of my life catching fictional cartoons.  One of my biggest struggles in life is holding back the fact that I once caught all 150 Pokemon in middle school.  It's 2014, the fact that such a thing is not a positive quality that you can add to your resume and/or job interview is maddening and oppressive. 

So yeah, I'm hurt.  You can't pull April Fool's jokes on March 31st.  Shit's just mean.  I was ready to quit my job, buy a bike, head to Cinnabar Island, swim on the coast, fight a blurry creature named MissingNo like 30 times, acquire unlimited rare candies and Master Balls, catch ALL the cartoon animals and become a celebrity.  Nope, Google had to be petty.  You ruined a life today, guys.  You ruined a life.

PS: If you're going to throw out a April Fool's Day joke, at least be an irritable NBA player that drops a fake R&B album:

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