Wednesday, September 3, 2014

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Signs That You're Washed Up

It takes a big man to accept when they are starting to become washed-up.  There is no scientific evidence behind this, but as soon as you hit age 26-27, shit just starts slowing down. 

Maybe it’s the noticeable decline in nightlife activity.  Perhaps Tuesday nights become less about happy hour beer specials and more about “But FOX has a tremendous and oft-overlooked Tuesday night lineup.”  Or, most likely, you have a girlfriend/boyfriend and the incentive to go out isn’t quite there anymore.  Whatever your reason may be, if you think that it’s happening, it’s probably happening.

1)      You fell asleep before 11 pm on a Friday/Saturday and didn’t feel bad about it

2)      Getting asked to go out for Thursday drinks suddenly becomes the most arduous riddle ever encountered.

3)      You hit up boozy brunch mainly for the brunch

4)      You are not positive, but there’s a chance that you are STILL hung-over from the 5 beers that you had on Sunday

5)      You have an encyclopedic knowledge of all new shows released on Netflix over the past 4 months

6)      You asked, “Can I please see the dessert menu?” on a Friday/Saturday night

7)      The mere prospect of playing full-court basketball is legitimately terrifying

8)      You hear a song you like, start dancing, convince yourself that there is gum on your shoe, see no gum and proceed to stop dancing.  Forever.

9)      The whole idea of hitting on people starts to seem stressful, expensive and tiresome

10)    You get drunk and read books

11)    The booty calls/texts are not flowing in quite like they used to

12)    You downloaded Snapchat four months ago but haven’t sent a snap yet.

13)    You leave the bar well before last call just so you can beat the cab rush

14)   You haven’t purchased a new Madden game since 2012 because “the only thing  that changes are the players”

15)   Your Friday night “turnt” attire is whatever you wore to work that day

16)   You haven’t shaved in a week because, honestly, what’s the point?

17)    The only songs you know the words to are the songs played on the radio

18)    Buying a bucket hat starts to seem like a good, practical idea

19)   You go to a party and utter under your breath:  “Who are these people?”

20)   You likely have a very severe injury that you never got diagnosed because going to the doctor is an insurmountable task at this stage in the game

21)   You toyed with the idea of going to a movie by yourself, but you haven’t done it yet

22)   Crate & Barrel, though

23)   You have to stretch before you even consider doing anything athletic.

24)   You have a food rewards card in your wallet that needs two more stamps for a free meal

25)   The only shot you can take without sneakily throwing up in your mouth is Fireball

26)   “Sleeping in” means waking up at 8am, laying in silence for 45 minutes and playing with your phone for an hour

27)   You opened an incognito tab on your Google Chrome browser and typed in: “Am I washed up?”

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