Times of Crisis During Wedding Season: Don't Be That Guy

Now at the age of 24, I've reached that point in my life where wedding invitations are flooding through the mail on the reg during the summer months. Only one reaction came to mind during this very harsh realization...shiiiiitttt... Naturally as a kid I skated out of a few ceremonies in light of my parents not trusting me to actually be cordial. Don't get me wrong weddings seem like a blast, but there are definitely a number of things I need to get straight before I let loose and potentially ruin somebody's perfect day.

1) Attire: I was asked to be a groomsman for a wedding I'll be attending labor day weekend. My other buddies in the party insisted we rock white pants to the festivities. Last month I went shopping and found just one pair left in the store. Pants were a bit snug, so i figured I could drop a few pounds and be all good by the time of the wedding. Just recently tried the them on...not even close. Got two weeks to shrink a couple sizes or else I'm the only fat kid up there in different pants. White pants or bust...literally.

2) Finding A Date: If you're attending a friends wedding, no need to mark that plus one on the invitation. It's fine going stag and pretending you're cool enough to hit on the bridesmaids. Family events? Better find a friend or scoop up a girl quick so the rest of your family doesn't assume your a complete loser. Then of course when you bring someone your eccentric aunts will assume she's your future wife. Complete lose lose situation here.

3) Wedding Gift: Come on man. You know I got no money. Need to plan a discrete way of placing my non-factor item with the rest if I'm unable to switch up any cards. Nobody would actually switch up cards on presents would they? Has that ever happened? I can't believe that really just crossed my mind but I'll let you know next month.

4) Ceremony Antics: Best not trip walking down the aisle. Sure the bride's nervous about that but it's her day, not yours. Might say the wrong thing to the groom before he breaks out in sweat and storms out of the church. Certainly don't wanna stir the pot during the I Do's.

5a) Overall Appropriate Behavior At Reception: Every hot shot groomsman or bachelor in some way believes he's fucking Vince Vaughn out there. We've all seen Wedding Crashers. Hollywood does it right. We don't. Weddings are fit for all ages right? Of course until the drunk groomsman doesn't go so easy on the h'orderves and later causes a scene in front of the open bar. There's a fine line between having the time of your life and watching the bride's side of the family collectively shake their heads at you.

5b) Rehearsal Dinner: See above. Just don't fuck everything up the night prior. So these are the handful of the things that worry me as the wedding excursions near. Most of this tells you I'm a moron (and also says you probably shouldn't reserve a seat for me at your own wedding) but there's some noteworthy stuff in here. Take it in and best of luck.

Yikes, They Actually Made This?!

Of all fantasy products I half-heartedly wanted to exist, a "Booty Sweat" energy drink was definitely in the top 5. But now that I see it's for real, I'm kind of weirded out.

Will people at the bars be ordering Booty Sweat Vodkas? It just doesn't sound right, and would definitely ruin all the game you were spitting on that chick in case she doesn't know what you're talking about. Too many risks, not many rewards. It should have died when the credits of "Tropic Thunder" concluded, but alas, money is money.

If you don't think I'm scouring eBay for a 96 pack of Booty Sweat for night caps after the bar, you are outside yo mind.

Reason #45591 Why Nick Cannon Sucks: Attempting To Break "Hugging" Record No One Knew Existed

If someone can name me a wacker dude I'd be astonished. I can't believe I'm even doing a post about him, but someone had to say something.

First off, I've held a significant grudge since he ruined "All That." It seemed virtually IMPOSSIBLE to ruin that show for me. I thought Lori Beth Denberg's Vital Information was the floor for that show and I was able to tolerate that, but then this lanky, unfunny bastard came along and pooped in the punch bowl. I can list the myriad of things he's done since then (Wild'N Out fucking sucked) to ruin television and set black people back decades, but this newest endeavor is going to take the cake. His latest asshole endeavor is an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for most hugs in one hour.

Why won't Guinness die? That shit was interesting for like 30 seconds when they showed that unfortunate broad that can pop her eyes out. After that was dull fest. The only thing keeping that business alive are losers (read: Nick Cannon) and Rob Dyrdek. Next thing, why the Mets man? Do you know how ornery those fans are? They haven't had anything good happen to them in infinite years and you're going to hug them? There's literally a 75% chance you're going to get shanked with a jagged spork at hug number 3. Granted I'm crossing my fingers that happens, but you got to be smarter than that.

Wait, you married Mariah after she got kinda gross and lost her mind. Double wait, and you had kids with her? Nevermind. You're a lost cause

Guess They Can't Quite Get Their Pizza Right In Mississippi

This here is a story of commitment. David Schuler of Jackson, MS, spent his entire weekend en route to his favorite hometown pizza spot in Stoughton, MA. After putting in a solid 1,400 miles on the road, he returned with 150 frozen pies in his possession, racking up a $1,200 bill in the process.

It's easy to question the man's sanity but I actually support this kind of decision 100%. To be honest I find it a bit inspiring. A real Go-Getter, realizing that nothing is worth while unless he's stocked up with his choice za in the freezer. The real question at hand is what the hell are they doing in Mississippi where a dude will travel back east to drop G for a couple good slices.

Didn't exactly keep the blog on point while the boss was out on business. I was on vacation too, at least pretending to be. Wasn't quite Vegas. Just the every weekend sort of excuse to remain a shitshow youthful.

This Dove Commercial Makes Me Rethink Women

Who's who and what's what these days? 4s are 10s, 10s are computer generated and Sports Illustrated models are still figments of our imaginations. If this is the sexual-world we live in, I want no parts of it.

Does this video mean we all have to settle? I'm no prized piece, but I have a crippling God-complex that has me worried about my chances of getting myself a dimepiece future wife. Is there no such thing as a hot girl anymore? I feel like there has to be a gimmick no matter what. Wonderbras, booty pads, nerds behind computer screens that dominate Photoshop. And what's the deal with stockings? I really, really like them, but I have no idea why. I guess this video makes me and probably all the dudes out there some asshole media puppet or something.

Don't even know what type of girl I like anymore.

This Is Currently My Lifestyle

I'm convinced that a deflated balloon is the saddest visual in the world. So much promise, so much spirit gone to waste. After an absolutely wild weekend in Vegas, I'm laying in my bed typing at a solid 4 WPM trying to figure out what time it actually is and if I can eventually holla at the homie homeostasis.

Synopsis: Didn't hook up with a D-list celebrity, but fell in love roughly 359 times with the bevy of beautiful women around me. Balled the eff out. I seriously lived beyond my means every night and at reasonably little cost--shit just didn't make sense. Bottle service at the most lavish night club, being involved in ridiculously adequate male:female ratios, and being indifferent at the fact that Jermaine O'Neal was trying to hang out at our table. Basically, I pretended I was a low-grade rapper that released a decent-to-solid mixtape and just lived life accordingly--the "I am in no way rich enough or cool enough to be here" swag.

Glad to be back. Also glad to see that Craw posted a ton when I left.

Can I Hook Up With A D-List Celebrity In Las Vegas?

This is a legitimate question because I honestly think I can do it. At this point in my blogging "career", WMD has done surprisingly well, hitting a wide range of audiences that even brought about a ridiculous scenario where I wrote about Dubai fucking something up and having a dude FROM Dubai immediately comment, defending his country. Crazy stuff. Based solely off that one scenario, I will go ahead and upgrade myself to G-List Celebrity.

The letter G isn't that far from D in the english alphabet, especially if you're on your homerow-swag like I am right now. Now say I'm at some swank Vegas nightclub, dominating bottle-service and canoodling with Svedka promo girls, and some D-List shitball like Kathy Griffin rolls by and gives me the ol' up-down eye glance. I have to do it right? Despite the fact that with my contacts out and a solid drunk going, Kathy G. is always going to be a 3.8, I have to do it. Vegas is riddled with D-Listers aka, failed reality TV stars and semi-popular gameshow contestants. Next thing you know, they meet up and coming internet-celeb Dub Jeezy and think, "Hey, maybe this will give my career a boost?" You never know.

If this happens, the phrase, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" gets thrown out the window and my next 34 blogs would be dedicated to "that time I kicked Kathy Griffin out of my bed in the morning."

Better Than Coffee

Need that morning jolt? Skip your under-sugared Dunkin' Iced and try your hand at getting Falcon'd. Way too intense, with no concept of appropriate decibel range--that's how I want my mornings.

Can't put my finger on whether this would be awesome or annoying.

Friends Ask Dub: "Would You Rather Be An Awesome Singer Or Awesome Dancer?"

^convinced WMD has used this exact picture like 10 times in various posts.

Dangerously devious question indeed friend. After pondering this one all day, I still haven't come to a definitive answer. On one count, I basically side with whatever option gets me the most women and money, but I guess both of these can provide you that. I'll just do what I always do and dive in head first without a life-jacket or the ability to swim.

Now I know this isn't the case for everyone, but I'm black and have the innate ability to dance. Shit is just easy for us because we can actually hear beats. I'm not elite or anything, but I can do enough to not look like a fool on a Friday/Saturday/Tuesday? night. That being said, singing has always been my Great White Buffalo. The skill I always wanted, but was simply not talented enough to do. So the easy answer would be singing, but I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't dig a little deeper on a solid "would you rather" question.

I looked at the peaks for both fields. As a singer you can experience mass fame and fortune while not doing much at all. You're basically talking at different pitches in front of people. That's like if I inhaled helium in a Public Speaking class. Not that hard. It's basically a cake walk to happiness and prosperity if you keep your head on straight. Butttt, if you're like me, you don't have your head on straight. That means you're going to be SHITFACED literally every night, maintain no close relationships, and most likely develop a complicated addiction to ecstasy and Purple Drank. It'd be Amy Winehouse-city for your boy after a couple multi-platinum albums.

Dancing on the other hand, is a little more low-key. You're definitely working a lot harder and you're definitely paid a ton less than a singer. The peak is like Cirque de Soleil or some shit. Maybe Justin Timberlake's backup dancer--hell, Jennifer Lopez married one of her backup dancers, so that's not entirely a bad gig if you were matched up with a slut like Rihanna. Life would be a little bit more of a grind, but you'd appreciate things more because nothing would be handed to you. Probably a loving girlfriend/wife, no drugs or questionable purple liquids, and most of all, the sneaky small chance you bag a A-List singer-slut like Rihanna. Blue-collar all the way.

Answer: You can find me and Paul Wall inebriated off of codeine and Sprite at Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles. I'll go with wildly successful singer and just hope Dr. Drew can cure me in season 27 of Celebrity Rehab.

NYC Basketball Went A Little Differently For Michael Beasley

Damn. I always thought Michael Beasley was a little misunderstood. Playing in bad situations and being a weird dude don't produce results in the NBA. But this was ridiculous. Mush city on somebody easily one foot shorter than you? I mean, I can't knock that strategy, because whenever I get in that first bar fight, I am making sure dude is at most 5'1 or shorter.

I've been there Durant. I'm generally that guy that should be stepping up and stopping something from blowing up, but I never do it. Not my problem.