Kill It!

I know I wanted emotion out of that hilariously complacent monkey below this post, but smiling lizards is where I draw the line.

I don't think anything has needed to die more than this smiling lizard. Sure, people are going to be like, "But Dub, it's SO cute." Eff that noise. Lizards can't smile. What's next? They learn the ability to reason and develop posable thumbs? Nah, I ain't trying to be around for that.

Smiling lizards begin and end with:

Anything else is just silly and unnatural.

Props To Scientists: We Just Discovered This VERY Plain-Faced Monkey

Why the....regular face, bro? Did something completely average just happen? I'm so fascinated with this newly discovered monkey, it doesn't make sense.

Like, I want to entertain and disappoint this monkey more than anything in the world. Just ellicit some kind of emotional reaction from this son of a bitch. Don't look at me like you've seen the entire world and are bored with it.

PS. How weird is it that we're still discovering animals? Did one scientist see this thing and scream out, "Oh shit, I just discovered a monkey"? Are there more? If so, how average/standard/kinda, but not really underwhelming is the area?

PPS. I want this thing as a pet badly, but I feel like I'd never be able to impress it.

UPDATE:

...whoa

My Home...

Stunning picture.

Use 9/11 as a day to reflect on those that lost their lives, the heroes that risked themselves to save others and the spirit of this great country. Don't use it as an opportunity to hashtag the cheap phrase "#NeverForget."

We will all remember where we were on this fateful day eleven years ago. I hope that each year we continue to honor this day with the same ferocity, eloquence and pride that make the USA the USA.

Proud to live here. Proud to be from New York City.

Is It Bad That Getting A Free Burrito At Chipotle Was One Of The Greatest Moments Of My Life?

Oh lawd, I can't even breath right now. I can barely type without it looking like I just had a stroke. But this is THAT SERIOUS. I got a free fucking burrito. How many people can go through their life and say that? Obese southerners would literally kill for the opportunity I just had. Hell, this is going on my fictional wall of fame along with being SICK at Super Smash Bros. and being worth $3000 fake internet blog dollars.

So do I buy like 25 lotto tickets? Should I start wild'n out on the street? I think it's in the bylaws that if you acquire a free burrito via the credit card machine being broken and you not having cash on you, it is basically diplomatic immunity. I already robbed a Best Buy and a Coldstone.

Sweet baby Jesus! We made it in Americaaaa

Hey Ocean, I'm All Set

Wait, the ocean has giant jellyfish that eat dudes now? I've never been a fan of the vastness of the ocean and those terrifying prehistoric fish that live at the bottom, but this is officially ridiculous. It gets realer than real when giant spaghetti mushrooms are eating scuba divers. Done with the ocean.

PS. Are jellyfish the garbage bags of the ocean?

And Here's "Kong Suni", The Farting And Shitting Doll That Is Taking Over South Korea

^Quite possibly the most disgusting and offensive video that I have ever seen

I have no words. I expect this out of the North, but the South? Come on, ya'll. I'd like to think you were above dump-taking dolls.

(Pictures with what this gaseous monstrosity probably said)

"Hi everybody! Oh, don't mind me, I'm just taking a shit! Lol :)"

"WHAT IS MY MOTHER FEEDING ME? And why is one of the poos pleased and the other so disappointed?!"

(Editors Note: This bitch is REALLY saying bye to her poop right now)
"Bye poo!! I will miss you!!"

"WHY IS SPECIAL K W/BERRIES GIVING ME SUCH BAD GAS? Why aren't there any cartoonish plastic Tums? :("

"Why'd they make Kong Suni?"

South Korea doing North Korea-like things. Concerned.

Working Man's Diary ("WMD") Is Destroying Syria From The Inside Out

What the hell, Syria? I'm just out here trying to produce some poorly written, tasteless jokes to make people's lives suck a little less during the week. Who are you to rain on my parade? If anything, I aim to provide refuge in a wartorn country. Unite people. Instead of fighting, death and destruction, you all can go home and complain about how much WMD sucked tonight or that I forgot to punctuate something.

Don't go on CNN and bash me. I'm trying to build a brand and you can't build a brand without taking over the Syrian market first. That's Marketing 101. Now I have to start from the ground up, print some blogs, staple them together and book a flight to Mesopotamia. It may not look it, but being the 6742nd ranked blogger in the world isn't all sugarplums and rainbows. Sometimes you cause political unrest and get called things like, "The reason WW3 might start." Day in the life.

PS. Don't think I don't see you lady. With your fake hair, gaspy expression, and exaggerated map behind you. Get off your high horse.

Introducing "Oogieloves", The Movie That Cost $60M To Make, But Only Grossed $445,000

Anytime you can spend close to 100 million dollars on some VERY scary off-brand Teletubbies, you have to do it, right? It's common economic knowledge that grossing .0075% of your total expenditure is a recipe for continued success.

Great golly, this movie looks like hot garbage mixed with sad puppies. Plus it has Jamie Presley in it, which is always bad news. Chick hasn't turned down a movie role in like 10 years. Should have gotten out of the game after "Not Another Teen Movie." It's tough being an ambiguously raced, huge headed, monster-like creature trying to make your way in this world, I get it. But don't ride around bikes like everything is ok. It's really not. An average of TEN people went to your movie per day for like 9 days. You ended careers. You were somehow THREE TIMES the budget of Magic Mike.

So if there is one thing to take away from this is that you can give .0075% at work today and everything should be alright.

Crying

If you're between the ages of 20 and 26 you have to be balling your eyes out right now. I don't even know why I posted this, but I'm almost positive that this quantifies all of the bad things that happened at different points in my life.

Mufasa's death is still unwatchable for me anytime Lion King is on. I always "have to go to the bathroom" or "heard the doorbell ring" when the stampede starts. Ash getting turned to stone straight up didn't make sense and that made it even sadder. I had the same "What the fuck?" look that Pikachu had on his face. And lastly, Steve from Blue's Clues. While I was getting a little old for that show, I used to most definitely sneak a few eps in when I got a chance. To this day, Steve is the most effective, practical drawer I have ever seen. Made a vacuum cleaner a two-pencil-stroke operation. When he left, we lost someone special. Blue is so confused.

WMD, where your childhood goes to die.

Probably Not The Best Tat To Get

It's like Steve from Blue's Clues got twisted on crystal meth and drew all over some sleeping dude's chest.

Pretty sure this is offensive to the following demographics: religious fantatics, kinda religious people, non-religious people, artists, Seth McFarlane because this guy stole the Peter Griffin nose, bloggers and mostly the guy that got tatted. Cot damn this shit is hilarious. So much detail on the towel, but he quickly veered off the side of the road with this little mishap:

Just a small, wishbone shaped line to represent a diety's midsection. I have to respect him for continuing though. The guy proceeded to throw the idea of symmetry out the window and started to have fun. Oblong torso, 8 fingers on one hand, 4 on the other, and the ill "(" sad face. It doesn't get better because it can't get much worse.

Love the rounded points on the cross. So detailed.