Hanson Singing "MMMBop" 15 Years Later Is Exactly As Depressing As It Sounds

^If you didn't like this, you're so overtly homophobic that you just became gay.

When you sprinkle in desperation, wildly conflicting outfits and the very real possibility that they created this stage themselves and had their mother film this is the moment where true music magic is made.

OBSERVATIONS:

1) Isaac Hanson needed this more than anyone. More than me, more than you. His suit is made of yarn that kittens play with.

2) This means everything and nothing at the same time:

3) The Little Hanson that will never have a name

-Your tremendous hair flow can't hide the fact that they gave you a wooden box instead of a drum set and a mic stand that no one cared to adjust correctly. Damn.

4) Taylor Hanson = Mickey Free

He didn't get that pleather jacket in the Men's section.

Never Forget:
"If you can be stranded with any woman in the world on a desert island, who would it be?
"Taylor Hanson"
"Taylor Hanson is a guy"

All in all, this went as well as it possibly could have gone. Sure, they didn't really say actual words for the majority of the song, but who cares? They "Oooh Yeah!'d" their way through that whole track without me offering to send them a $20 bill in the mail. If that's not a win, I don't know what is.

How Bad Of A Shooter Do You Have To Be To Shoot Rick Ross "Dozens" Of Times And Not Hit Him Once?

We almost lost Ross today, ladies and gentlemen, for roughly the eighth or ninth time. While this is a trying time for all of us, I'm sure, we have to dig deeper into the bigger issue at hand. How do you drive-by shoot Rick fucking Ross and not connect once???

This might be the worst job anyone has ever done at anything. If I spilled coffee on my computer and watched porn all day on my phone, I would have outperformed these clowns.

What are the statistical odds that EVERY bullet missed within the SAME 2cm non-Ross-occupied area? Just pure scientific marvel that needs to be included in elementary school textbooks within the next 5-10 years.

On a completely outlandish sidenote, what are the hot cars to perform drive-bys in these days? I feel like Cutlasses are too cliche and other cars are too "green" to be gangsta. Like if you try to drive-by someone in a Prius, you run the risk of getting drive-by'd yourself as a penalty for doing anything of that sort in a Prius.

PS. I still get a kick out of "I'm the biggest boss that you've seen thus far." Lacks so much confidence and leaves open the very realistic possibility that a newer, better boss can emerge at any given moment.

Iran Sends Its First Monkey Into Space. In Other News, Why Do People Still Send Monkeys Into Space?

^AIDSiest monkey ever?

I'm on the platform that monkeys are nowhere near as smart as we make them out to be. It starts and stops with, "Throws own feces." The day they learn to control that shit (so intended) is the day, they can get into the conversation.

If you trained me for 15-20 years, gave me 200 space-simulations and actually sent me into space 2-4 times, I STILL wouldn't know what the fuck I was doing up there. You're telling me this homely looking, beat to all hell monkey can figure it out? I'm pretty sure the "mission" can be labeled as "Fail" when this thing is tasked to "Press a button. Any button." You know why? Because they can't read and have a baseline understanding of visual and audible stimuli. Plus this monkey has AIDS, for sure.

I was really expecting more out of Iran. Lol, Iran.

LeBron James Tackles Fan After He Hits Half Court Shot For $75K

Can't say a forward hook-shot would have been my best option, but that's why I'm 75K-less Dub Jeezy and that's why this super-average looking dude is temporarily kinda rich.

Class move by LeBron, too. You know a man grew up dirt poor when he reacts like that to someone hitting a half court shot despite being worth like 200 million. I'd freak out the same if I saw a college kid find a $20 bill on his way to the liquor store.

With all that said, I'd sue the FUCK out of LeBron with a fake broken collarbone and torn PCL. Always snake it till you make it and keep looking for your piece of the pie.

To quote the great Silky Johnson:

"First of all, I wanna thank God for giving everybody so much, and me, so little. I hate you, I hate you, and I don't even know you and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you, and nobody else, but you. And as I stand here sippin' the soda that I'm sure somebody spit in, I just wanna say yall can kiss my ass you rotten motha-fuckas."

Wait, Did This Pelican Just Swallow A Pigeon Whole?

Oh, word. That's how pelicans are getting down these days, huh? Murdering pigeons in broad daylight in front of it's pigeon family and assorted ducks is apparently the jam.

I learned a lot from this video.

1) He 100% considered eating this child. Thinking super-hard about it.

2) This duck knew what was about to happen, but was too afraid to intervene. Bystander syndrome.

3) It's hard to look cocky with a pigeon in your mouth, but I think it just happened?

4) Most conspicuous getaway of all time.

If you don't think I'm going to dedicate my life to staying the fuck away from pelicans, you're out of your mind.

I Throw Away Pennies. Thoughts?

I've thrown out this fact a few times and absolutely NO ONE likes it. Approximately zero people. That being said, it's just efficient. In what situation do we use pennies? I get that I'm essentially "throwing away" money every time I garbage one, but holding on to one is potentially worse.

Power Statement Alert: if you collect pennies in a jar just to save them, you're a hoarder. You are taking up space in your house for something that provides little to no value to you. Think about it. If you have a 3 foot jar with solely pennies in it, that's AT MOST $20. I don't think people realize that it takes ONE HUNDRED fucking pennies to make a dollar. I can barely buy anything with a dollar these days, so what do I need with a penny?

I get people that save "real life" change because they can get a decent return compared to the time they put in to save it. If you have a 3 foot jar of quarters, you might be able to take a round trip flight to Florida. Because quarters are still considered money. Pennies are essentially around to get eaten by dogs and babies (I've eaten one or two in my day). Also, I'm at a stage in my life where I don't need to associate myself with pennies anymore. Can't have my pants janglin' with anything other than quarters and Sacagawea in this bitch. Opulence.

Australia's Great National Nightmare Is Over: Gary The Goat Acquitted Of All Charges

Australia is really losing it, right? Half the country/continent burnt down and now government officials are fining goats for eating flowers. That's like fining Dub Jeezy for blogging in his underwear with a slice of pizza in his left hand. Goats are going to eat flowers and I'm going to blog in the semi-nude while going to Za City. It's unnatural to take people and creatures out of their comfort zone.

Quick question: Why $440 dollars? That's the most arbitrary fine I've ever seen. Police officers just closing their eyes and pointing at Sudoku boards in the Sunday paper to come up with this shit.

Whatever, though. Free Gary!

PS. With a swagtastic hat like that, you know this goat is guilty as hell.

K, Guys. Just Wrapped Up That 2895 Page Scroll-Like Article On Deadspin That Talked About Manti Teo's Dead Girlfriend Who Was Actually A Compilation Of Like 3 Dudes And A Chick

^throw up those cool surfer hands, girl. You'll be missed.

Phew. Haven't tested the ol' reading eyes quite like that in a long time. It was like reading one of those Goosebumps "Pick Your Own Fate" books that essentially made you read the same book 50 different times to get a positive result. Except there were no crazy haunted hijinks. Just a potentially gay dude, the internet and Dub Jeezy, graduate of the Derek Zoolander School For Kids That Can't Read Good. I'm going to put on my Ron Jaworski pants and break this the fuck down.

Potentially Gay Dude aka Manti Te'o (pretentious apostrophes are always a bad sign):

First things first, take off the god damn lei, bro. You're making the entire world upset with that display. We know you're Hawaian (borderline impossible to spell). We also know one thing is certain: he's either stupid as fuck or he's going to go down as one of the greatest internet creepers of all time which I have to respect. But come on now, Lennay Kueka? That's the fakest Hawaiian name of all time and clearly expresses your love of Lenny Kravitz. Just say, "Sorry guys, I was banging a smoking hot dude named Mitch and that's why I sucked in the title game and made up a fake GF with a terribly fake name." All will probably be forgiven after that.

The Internet aka All of Us:

What a fucking glorious week this has been and all I have to show for it is a blog post about a dude stealing automatic toilet flushers. Really dropped the ball on this one, you guys. That's why I'm making up for it with a "trying too hard" post for the ages. Twitter, stand up and give yourself a round of applause. It was probably the best good joke to bad joke ratio I've ever seen on that site during a significant event. It's like people were waiting in their holes for an opportunity to make a joke about a fake dead girlfriend. And on Facebook, I predictably killed it:

So funny, right?

The Internet giveth (adult websites, WMD, Wikipedia, Twitter/Facebook) and the Internet taketh away (boring stuff, pop-ups, "Terms of Service").

Dub Jeezy aka 5630th ranked blogger on the planet:

Admittedly, I was slumping on the blog this week. My girlfriend was about to visit, so I basically had to nuke my apartment and rebuild anew. Then I made quite possibly the worst meal I've ever made because I refuse to read recipes/instructions because those are for nerds. All in all, not enough time to blog when I'm too busy throwing up my own food and hanging up paintings to give off the vibe that I'm "mature" and a "compatible" partner. But this fucking whacky-ass tale lit the creeper-blogger fire under my ass and inspired me to vomit words off my keyboard. And no, I didn't once care about the Lance Armstrong story. Call me when Oprah is giving out million dollar checks to the all the bloggers in the Top-6000 rankings.


PS. Te'o'ing might be the cheapest joke since moving your hand away when someone tries to give you a high five.

The "Bathroom Bandit" Is Stealing Automatic Flusher Valves And Terrorizing Fast-Food Toilets Across Milwaukee

^Because anytime you can find an applicable picture of a toilet paper roll that probably committed a crime, you have to post it.

Stealing automatic toilet flushers from fast-food establishments is 100% the most diabolical thing someone can do. Stepping foot into an already dumped in bathroom stall can easily ruin a day. Your mind's telling you no, but your body (your BA-DEE'S) is telling you yes. So you wave your hand in front of the automatic flush display, walk in and out a few times and do all the necessary things you have to do to engage the motion display. But nope, the fucking toilet bandit just happened to stop in your Wendy's and become a contributing factor in why you chose to shit your pants.

I've had enough Baconators, Big Macs, Dub Cheesys, and Whoppers to know the immediate damage they do to your insides. The bodily command system gets immediately put on alert. Internal sirens are sounding, the bubble guts establish themselves and the last thing you want to do is think to yourself, "Oh fuck, I live in Milwaukee, just finished eating at McDonalds and truly fear that the Bathroom Bandit tampered with my toilet." That's not a life I want to live, nor do I wish it on anyone else.

Death Penalty.

HOL' UP: Ryan Gosling Was Almost In The Backstreet Boys

ZOMG.

Definitely had to get that out of the way before I typed words again.

First off, the source that provided this information was borderline crackhead and overall creepy dude, AJ, so this can all be taken with a grain of salt. That being said, (really holding myself back from saying "ZOMG" again and I fear this won't be the last) if this shit happened, how would the landscape of the world appear today? Let's go through bizarro world scenarios that probably would have happened if Gosling was in BSB.

1) "Thanks For The Add" starring Ryan Gosling.

2) "Blazer & Jeans" Ryan Gosling ft. Soulja Boy would soar the Billboard Top 100.

3) Nick Carter would obviously OD on Vicadin

4) Justin Bieber would go to Niagara University and parlay his decent-subpar singing skills into some drunken ass here and there.

5) JC Chasez would obviously OD on Vicadin

6) Gosling dates Britney, Timberlake dates Mandy Moore, Chris Kirkpatrick dates Willa Ford (still, no one cares), and Christina still ends up fat. It was inevitable.

7) Vanessa Bryant would have been with Kobe shooting in the gym.

8) "Redacted joke that involves 9/11"

9) "Dick in the Box" still gets made by Timberlake, but it's just not as good.

10) "THE NOTEBOOK" WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED AND IF IT DID RYAN REYNOLDS WOULD HAVE STARRED IN IT AND IT WOULD HAVE GONE STRAIGHT TO DVD AND ON SALE NEAR THE CHECKOUT AISLE AT TJ MAXX.

Basically the equivalent of your parents telling you that you were adopted. Or something.