My Home

I truly hate that it took such a horrific and tragic disaster to occur before I felt it.  I hate that a child and two others had to lose their lives before I felt it.  I hate that families were forever destroyed before I felt it.  I hate that President Obama had to eloquently reassure us before I felt it.  I hate that it took all of these senseless, tear-inducing events for me to feel it, but I certainly feel it now.  Boston is my home.

I've been living in this city for nearly 8 years now and I never truly identified with it.  Don't get me wrong, I love it - it has everything that a twentysomething needs without the added pretentiousness.  It was just never home to me.  Unfortunately it took one of the worst acts in American history to wake my stupid ass up.  I don't have to like any of the sports teams, the accent, the public transit, the bar close time, but I really and truly love this place.  This city formed and cultivated me into the man that I am today.  I found my girlfriend in this city.  I've made lifelong friendships in this city.  Boston, no matter where I end up in life, you and New York City will always be home to me.

NOTE: I was off from work today, but took the time to head down to my office building to pick up my laptop and "work from home."  My building was very close to the attack to the point that I saw both explosions outside of my window.  On the way in to the building and on my way home I took some pictures of the scene - here they are:

One of the many press conferences going on throughout the city

A husband and wife came to pick up their running bags

There were still quite a few left

My office building with the flags at half mast

Soldiers parked outside of my building in a Humvee with a turret attached on top

Soldiers huddling together while onlookers took pictures.  Felt safe today

Most surreal image of the day - this is the truck the police use to test for bombs.

Bostonian for life...

Love Watching The "White People Scurry" At The Masters

You think I actually watch the golf?  Nope, shit's boring as hell.  A 14-year old was flooding my CNN Breaking News notifications all week, so that says everything you need to know about the difficulty of the sport.  Unpopular opinion aside, white people scurrying after golf balls is absolutely hilarious.  Some of the most unsound scurrying of all time too.  Just a pack of upper-middle class geese traversing a hill trying to make sure that their polos don't unravel out of their khaki shorts.  Truly a sight to behold.

Golf.  LOL.

Umm, So Billions Of Cicadas Are About To Wreak Havoc All Over The East Coast

Oh lawd, this is some nightmarish information.  According to Science, we're fucked.  Just billions and billions of giant, flying cockroaches have been buried in the ground since I was 8 and have been biding their time to wreak havoc.

1996 was when these things made the executive decision to ruin all of our lives in 2013.  Can't knock their logic.  

I mean they only really missed:

That's basically it.  Probably the best 17 year span that a bunch of killer-insects could miss.

Family Feud Got Weird Tonight

Looks like a twisted game of Mad-Libs.  Also, this may be the only time in my life that I can take a picture of my TV with the words "Lucky Charms" and "Titties" on the screen.  It was my civil duty to take this picture for you all.

For those of you wondering, the survey topic was "Name a part of the body that starts with the letter "T."  The guy was basically dared to say some variation of "tits" and he didn't hesitate.  Just hit Steve Harvey with an insane fastball up near the chin and continued to bro-out like any dude that would say titties on national TV would.

Much love to those 4 frat bros that answered a mail-in survey with titties.  The world needs more of you.

Tragedy Strikes As Elephant Suffers Gunshot Wounds In Drive-By Shooting

It's official: nothing in this world is sacred anymore.  We just shot an elephant, ya'll. In a drive-by shooting nonetheless.  Fucking Mississippi, man.  Like 18 years late in the drive-by game and not even shooting the right species.

Let's talk about the elephant though.  It could NOT have been thrilled about the tour making a stop in Tupelo, Miss.  Just like, "Aw shit, something bad will probably happen to me here."  Low and behold, it got drive-by'd.  Granted, it's an elephant and a drive-by shooting ends up being a minor inconvenience, but it's the principle.  Plus this thing has like 18 bodyguards surrounding it and couldn't even get a little bit of protection.

T-Minus 36 hours until Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are raining fire all over Mississippi for elephant-related hate crime.

The Ol' "Feed Some Ferrets Steroids And Sell Them As Poodles" Trick Gets 'Em Every Time

Simple mistake right?  I mean, what are the odds that some dude would inject steroids and use an afro-pick on a ferret and try to sell it as a poodle for $850 below regular market price.

Well, let's look at the videotape:

This looks nothing like a fucking poodle.  Like absolutely nothing.  Looks exactly like a ferret on steroids that got it's hair fluffed with an afro-pick.  Shout out to this con-artist for taking a shot down field and actually succeeding.  Beat the odds and made a smooth three hundo for selling some jacked street rats.

PS.

Alaska Crusading To Stop "Drunk Walking"

Power play by Alaska here.  Just straight denying the American right to walk home shitfaced.  Hey, if people are walking on train tracks with traffic cones on their head I can see where you're coming from.  Walking home while blacked out is a necessary process that social alcoholics have to deal with on Friday and Saturday nights that state government shouldn't interfere with.  It's Darwinism at its finest.  Those that are meant to survive make it home, order some Chinese and have a regrettable hangover.  The weak will be found passed out on train tracks with a traffic cone on their head.

Don't Know How I Feel About The Walking Dead Cast Acting Like Real People

I thought I liked this, but after 30 seconds went by, I decided that I hate it.  I can't live in a world like this.  Hershel is looking limber as shit.  Not right.

Here are some of my observations from this picture:

1)  The black girls quickly reverted to "at the club" mode

2)  Maggie is crushin' the sorority girl pose

3)  Hey Angela, you were eaten, get out of here

4)  Carl is a world-class herb

5)  The Governor won this picture

6)  Hate Carol.  No matter what

7)  Fuckin' Rick

8)  Tyree is just happy to be there and is soaking it in.

9)  Glen with the "I'm definitely not having sex with Maggie in real-life" pose

10)  Daryl, chill brah

-WHO is behind Carl?  I've been staring for a solid minute and have no idea.

What Do We All Think Of Natural Barbie?

That's a trick question because it's abundantly clear that Barbie sans makeup is a world-class troll gremlin.  Gaunt as all hell.  It sure looks like all those years of bulimia, dressing like a whore, and spending all of her money on dream houses and Corvettes kind of took it's toll.  If Mattel was interested in hammering the "Barbie Needs a Nap & Some Rehab" child market, they may have knocked it out of the park here.  Shout out to Ken for looking past everything and staying with his girl.

PS. The line drawn between Power Rangers and Barbie was more powerful than Black-White race relations in 1968.

PPS. When you were like 5-8 years old and you encountered a Barbie, the first play was to see what it looked like naked, right?  I think that's a no-brainer for every male/female in that age range.  I'm pretty sure I thought girls didn't have nipples for YEARS.  And the "How do they pee?" question racked my brain for even longer.  Barbies, man. 

Worst April Fools Joke Ever

It goes without saying that something bad needs to happen to Kofi Outlaw.  There are jokes and there is taking things too far.  This, my friends, was taking it as far as you can possibly take something.

If you didn't almost stroke out when you initially read this headline, you weren't a fan of David.  I thought Tyrone Biggums was coming back for a round of more cracky hijinks.  Maybe we'd see some more of Ashy Larry claiming his hot hand in the dice game? Nope, just fucking Kofi ruining my day for no reason at all.  I bet Kofi puts whoopie cushions under people's seats and calls elderly people to ask if their refrigerators are running.

Only unfunny people actually participate in April Fools day.  Factual.