How To Annoy A Girl: As Written By Two Pissed Off 5 Year Olds

Boys vs. Girls.  The oldest, strangest, hormone-fueled fight that we've all engaged in.  As men, we start out hating them, we get confused by them, then we become terrified of them, start liking them, become obsessed with them, start living with them, and finally die with them.  Really weird stuff.  With that said, these kids fucking HATE girls.

You can tell how upset Troy and Mike were by the amount of different markers they used for the exclamation points.

Jesus, guys.  No need to blow up Patti Mayonnaise like that.  Can't knock their logic though.  I imagine that a girl would be less than thrilled to receive a bomb.  I do love the addition of "Help."

Ingenuity.  If there is one thing that girls hate, it's getting hit by a wrecking ball.  Sneaky impressed by the correct spelling of "wrecking."

Troy and Mike spent this entire page #TurntUp

Morbid from a "your kid is probs gonna be a serial killer" perspective, but alas, there's nothing more annoying than being dead.  I'd be so pissed if I was dead.  They didn't even give this dead stick figure chick enough respect to spell "stupid" out in it's own line.

What did we learn?

1)  These kids are going to be serial killers.  We know this now and will be shocked when something bad happens 20 years from now.

2)  A Bomb and Wrecking Ball are pretty creative annoyances.

3)  The "Wow"s and the "Help"s really brought this thing together.

This Dog's Asshole Looks Like Jesus

Begs the obvious question: how did this person find out that their dog's asshole looked like the big JC?  This is one of those things you kinda have to stare at for a second to connect the dots.  Easy from our perspective since this is a still framed shot with a pretty pronounced "face-down, ass-up" profile, but very difficult to pick up at home.  Whoever found this had to do a thorough investigation of this dog's butt and for that I commend them.  Internet gems don't come without a little canine asshole investigation these days.

Japanese School Children Are Getting Their Eyeballs Licked For Sexual Arousal

First off, I'm super jealous that I never got on this "oculolinctus" train back in middle school.  I was too busy putzing around looking for a kiss on the cheek like an absolute herb.  I imagine it's MUCH easier to get an eyeball lick than a kiss on the cheek in the "getting some ass" heirarchy.  So provacative, so gross.  I think 7th grade Dub would have been DTL all day, everyday.

Secondly, I'm never having kids.  Wasn't thrilled about the idea of cleaning diapers to begin with and now you can add in the fact that they're going to undoubtedly grow up to be sexual deviants at the rate that we're going.  Can't imagine what "show you mine and you show me yours" has evolved into these days let alone in the years when I'm procreating.  

My kid is already doomed to be a blogger, I can't have him/her running around with juvenile syphilis too.  

Hodor The Big Dumb Giant From "Game Of Thrones" Is An Irish DJ

If you were having some GoT withdrawal, feel free to fly out to Belfast, Ireland, pop some MDMA and get really weird with Hodor.  This is probably the best case scenario for this dude.  You can only go through your acting career literally acting like an idiot without a release for so long.  Sometimes a guy needs to press some buttons on an iPod, hold his hand to his headphones, and close his eyes to pretend he's focused on the music he just pressed play on like the rest of the DJs out there.  

How does it make you feel that Ho-Doh is out here picking up girls and doing cocaine off of strippers' asses while simultaneously acting as the weirdest wheelchair in the game?

My Date With The Dunkin Donuts Glazed Donut Bacon Egg & Cheese Sandwich

What I learned:  I have no support system and arguably zero real friends, my girlfriend potentially wants me to get fat and die, and that I have a problem.  And that's strictly what I learned while I stood in line waiting for this monstrosity.

Did I want to bow out and just order a sausage, egg & cheese croissant?  Definitely.  But because I write a middling blog, hate healthy decision making and was too far away from any other breakfast establishment, I never had a choice.  I stood in line and literally had no gameplan.  No real Plan A or B.  I saw the attendant and knew just by looking in her eyes, that she was not prepared for what I was about to say.

Me: Can I get the Glazed Donut Bacon Egg & Cheese Sandwich please?

Attendant:  (confused laughter) What?

Me: It's the new promotional sandwich you guys are running.  It's a sandwich made from two glazed donuts, egg, bacon and cheese.

Attendant:  (genuine concern) Why do you want that?

Me:  Honestly, I don't know.

::5 minutes go by while the attendant, the coffee maker, and the manager struggle to understand what I ordered and battle with the machine to find the correct button to process the order.  A line has began to form::

Me:  You know, I actually don't.....

Attendant:  Ohh, I found it.  This is the first time I have made this.

Me:  This is hopefully the only time you ever make this

And it was done.  It's like I willfully paid for a pill that would lower my life expectancy by 5 years.  Two people in the line cheered me on and said good luck, which is certainly not a great sign by any means.  I slugged home, thought about tossing it in the trash and was ready to face my destiny:

Initial thoughts: 1) Wasn't awful  2) Haircut was needed weeks ago  3) Not that filling, could have eaten two.  4) If you look at the picture closely, you can hear my heart screaming and my soul crying.

There, I did it.  I know no one asked me and frankly no one cared that I would do it or not, but it's done.  I hate all of you for it.  I saw no, "Dub, don't do it!!!" emails.  No concerned text messages.  Not even a "that shit's gross" to deter me from this horrible quest.  You guys just watched me go ahead and die a little bit.

Disgusting. 

Texas Says It's Fine To Shoot A Prostitute If She Won't Have Sex With You

Texas doing it big as usual.  Big steaks, big hats, and prostitute killing laws akin to Grand Theft Auto.  Can't knock them for ignoring basic societal norms and just going with their gut.

In this case, the defendant was acquitted because he believed that sex was included as part of the fee.  A gripe definitely worthy of a bad Yelp review or a stern phone call to this woman's pimp, but shooting her?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I have never ventured into the ho trick scallywag slag escort game because I'm not a vagrant, but I'm pretty confident that at some point you have to know that you're not conducting normal business.  Transactions in the escort world don't work like they do at your local Arby's.  You know you're getting that Jr. Roast Beef with the disgusting sauce, while with an escort you're not 100% entitled to your Jr. Roast Beef with the disgusting sauce (if you read that like I did, you probably threw up.  whatevs. I'm keeping it).  

Because Texas essentially produced the "Friday Night Lights" television show, I have given it a lot of leeway with it's extensive problems, i.e. racism, sexism, overly aggressive food portions, prison system, allowing the killing of prostitutes, etc.  Riggins can't get you out of every jam, assholes.

Texas Forever Texas Sometimes Texas Occasionally?

Robb Stark Riding The Commuter Rail In Heaven

There's no salty look quite like the "I was brutally murdered in front of the entire planet on national television" salty look.  Not even trying to keep a low profile either.  Dude is glum as hell.

Chill with the umbrella, brah, you're King of the North.

Can You Name Everything Wrong With This Picture?

"I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you." - Silky Johnson, Playa Hater's Ball (Chappelle Show)

I honestly think Bieber did everything wrong to the point where he seemed like he was 100% trolling while simultaneously 100% not trolling.  He has officially reached a strange level of douchebag that we have never witnessed before.  There once was a time when wearing sunglasses indoors was just about the worst thing that you can do.  Well, it's 2013 and based on this picture, that's not true anymore.  There are way worse things that you can do.

You can rock a Miami Heat hat that screams "I have no idea who that Chalmers guy is, but LeBron is just so AWESOME."  You can wear a leather shirt with sleeves that suspiciously cut off at the biceps.  You can get a tiger tattoo on your "bicep."  You can wear lip gloss out in public - not chap stick, lip gloss.  And you can also look extremely disinterested like someone dragged you to game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals.  These things will all make you look terrible as an individual.

Of course this is all null and void if Bieber is rooting for Miami just for another shot at this moment:

Sloth Chunkin' Up Deuces In A Bowl Like It Ain't No Thing

Kinda have a weird feeling about sloths these days.  At first they were hilarious, then they were cute and now I think I'm scared of them.  For example, this sloth is 100% doing this:

Are we cool with that?  Sloths just throwing up deuces and chillin' in bowls?  I feel like we're giving these things a little too much leeway.  At first we were just happy to see them existing in their natural habitat.  Climbing trees and getting eaten by leopards was THE sloth thing to do.  Now they're in bowls, in stupid internet memes, and becoming animal celebrities.  Plus they can actually smile like people.  That really bothers me from a "they be demons" standpoint.

PS. I'd still buy one in a second.  These things must make unreal TV watching partners.

Probably Gonna Die, You Guys

Looks like it's curtains for me, gang.  It happened before with the McGriddle, it happened again with the Sausage Pancake Bites and it's going to happen again with the Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich.  My brain just clicks when something disgusting is introduced into the fast food fold.  It's like how Batman is entrusted to protect Gotham City except not and much more gross.

Glazed donut, cardboard bacon, a yellow claymation egg and a lot of lost dignity stand between me and achieving my next disgusting fast food goal.  Yes, I'll itis hard.  Yes, I'll probably call out sick for work the next day, but I'll be damned if you forget that ya boy Dub tried this nasty ass sandwich first.  That's not really something to be proud of, but I have a God complex for some reason, this satisfies it.

#Pray4Dub