Boston Celtics Killin' It on Halloween

Good to see the Celtics out in costume celebrating Halloween in full effect. Is it acceptable for someone to dress up as a fellow athlete exploited in the media? Not sure Rajon Rondo really thought this one out...

So from left to right we got Rondo with Jermaine O'Neal as Mr T., Glen Davis in his best PJ's? Delonte West as V for Vendetta, Paul Pierce as a frog, and can somebody fill me in on what the hell Kevin Garnett is supposed to be? Either way its cool...just proud to be a fan of this team...

That is until I stumbled upon a video of Shaquille O'Neal as Shaqeeta...Man, this guy has definitely lost his mind. What did the rest of the C's have to say when (s)he rolled in? Couldn't have been a pretty site.  But hey as long as he keeps doing well at starting center I guess we can it slide. Right?

Where Do Ya Keep Your Diamonds? In The 42 Condoms I Just Swallowed... Oh.

I guess in a high tech world smugglers have got to get creative to survive, but I think there is a point when even this out of his mind man from Sri Lanka can realize that putting 2,060 diamonds into 42 condoms, and EATING all of them might NOT be the best idea?

I mean, I have to take off my jewelry when I pass through airport security. Not a problem for him apparently? Most importantly I think the people from Jackass, maybe even the next Jackass 3D, need to get in touch with him because he's obviously got big dreams. Seems like their type of man.

Then again, this lunatic made it on the plane out of Sri Lanka and into India before he was arrested on a tip, so maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Though it had to be a little awkward sitting in the police station while they fed him bananas and waited to ah... recover... 42 glistening condoms. Not really the image you want to remember when it's time to buy that rock. So what's better, blood diamonds or..... ?

Technology Presents: The Zipper Bed

For lazy folk like myself, some enterprising scientists in a laboratory unknown decided to create a bed that you never have to make. They combined the zipping convenience of a bookbag and a pair of pants and combined that with a bed, so that you can just zip the bed up when you're done to give the illusion that you take care of yourself. I'm all about illusions.

Love making people think, I'm a good person. I'm also fine with making people think that I live a clean lifestyle and make my bed. If there is one thing a person can respect, it's a clean bed. If I can hoodwink/bamboozle someone into thinking that, the bed's done it's job.

Can we talk about possibly having a "close" friend sleep over? Imagine them initially thinking that you're neat and continuously make your bed, to only find out that it's a zipper illusion. It's like "Where's Waldo" or something. Just frustrated at the end. That'll really tell you how the relationship will be.

If she reacts slightly favorably to you having a zipper bed, you need the dump the hell of that chick immediately because that girl's batshit crazy.

Not Sure How I feel About The World's Largest Gummy Worm

So Vat19.com is selling the world's largest Gummy Worm...otherwise recognized as the world's largest...yeah yeah we get it. They certainly don't avoid what people are thinking through their advertising schemes. But anyway what a ridiculous idea...a 4,000 calorie 3 pound gummy worm for 27 dollars.

Then we get to the world's largest Gummy Bear. This candy dubbed Gumzilla trounces the opponent with its 5 pound 12,600 calorie frame towering at 9 inches tall. A stuffed animal in the texture of gummy. Now that's what I'm talking about. An extra two bucks well worth it.

So how many weird looks would I get if I rolled up with one of these in the movie theatres? Gotta be tough to distribute. There wouldn't be any ideal spots to set it down when the first 1/2 pound is gone.  Ahh what the hell...might as well make a memory and give it a shot.

Guess I'm Going To Be The "Old Spice Guy" For Halloween

Didn't need the help of you a-holes out there. I know I put our email address out there for "suggestions" and leave the comment section open for "comments", but yet again I'm left fending for myself. In a case of intense irony, I end up looking like a huge a-hole each and every October 31st. I was Sisqo last year...Sisqo.

This year, I took the initiative. By initiative, I mean I had my friend decide costumes he would be if he were black and tell them to me. Within that pool I selected the funniest, cost-efficient idea and rolled with it. Brainchild of said plan is the Old Spice Guy.

If there were ever a "bingo, bango, bongo" situation out there this was it. Sign, sealed, delivered, it was mine.

Let's be honest, the shit's not going to work. Being nude from the waist up is going to be a problem in these sub-zero Boston temperatures. Plus, I'm undoubtedly going to lose the necessary Old-Spice bottle that keeps me from looking like an absolute D-Bag. Oh well, just the cross I bear I guess.

So This Guy Is Crushing The Unicycle

NAUCC 2010 from Max Schulze on Vimeo.

I mean, the unicycle is like the nerd equivalent of the knuckle ball. No one's doing it, you probably won't have a ton of competition, and you have the security of knowing that if you're the best, you'll probably be the best forever.

Add this to the list of things I'm going to need my kid to do immediately upon coming out of the womb. Dude's going to spend a few hours in the morning kicking field goals/punts, throwing knuckle balls during the afternoon, and hop in the unicycle foam pit by night. I'll toss some steaks and some Hawaiian Punch in there periodically to keep my million dollar boy from dying and what not too.

So, how bad of a father will I be? It's already determined that this kid is going to be removed from my possession, but like how soon? 1 year? 1 month? Delivery day?!

Just In Case Anyone Was Wondering...Sony Stopped Making The Cassette Walkman TODAY

Stop the god damn presses because today is a big day. Nah, seriously, it's not. I truly didn't/don't know how to open up a post about the halting of production of cassette players.

Were these things the most frustrating items? First off, I thought they were some pretty special items in my youth. My mom and dad had one and simply wouldn't let me touch it. I thought that shit had nudity on it or spouted flames, so I stayed away. Little did I know, it was just a cassette tape. A time consuming, painfully angering cassette tape. Like that part of a song? Just hit the rewind button and HOPE you land where you need to. An errant press of the play button can completely ruin the song playing experience. Not to be on my high horse here, but these things had like 7 songs on them. Three on side one and four on side two. You literally had to stop everything you're doing, press the eject button (can we talk about how the eject button is slowly phasing out of society?) and flip the tape. Oh, and 9 out of 10 times the tape's actual tape was probably coming out because you bought that Mase cassette at Tower Records for $4.00.

So, it was probably for the best that I never really jumped on the cassette tape bandwagon, because I'd probably be a creepier, angrier dude. Straight frustrated with PTSD-like rage whenever I'd hear any click noise.

Don't even get me started on VCRs and VHS'es.

Stock Up On The Candy...The Fat Kids Are Ready To Play

Safe to say this real life Russell from Up will be out and about trick-or-treating this Halloween. Get 10-15 of these dudes at your door step and it's over. You can't just turn him away with one baby Snickers bar. Time to stock up on the candy and make the kids happy.

I don't mean to be calling out Russell here but it definitely looks like he's ready to go. The light choice in costume is a dead giveaway...just a guy who's ready to go the distance through the town. Trust me I know from experience. Back in the day I wasn't out wearing any sort of masks or heavy jackets. It was all business baby.

Lets just say I took the double shift in my fat kid prime...sometimes that meant going out with two sets of groups. The neighborhood friends/younger kids at six and the older buddies for round two. Not even sure I fit in with any of them, but I was certainly calling the shots on where to go and how to get there.

Halloween was my time to shine. Best believe I'll be prepared to hand out some candy come October 31st. I don't know how many trick-or-treaters will be roaming the greater Allston area but I'll be there. But hey, the more they miss out the more I keep in my personal stash. Still got the fat kid business sense after all.

Sometimes Pumpkin Carving Goes A Little Too Far

Yeah, that's confirmed as a pumpkin. The zany combination of markers and actual holes is downright mesmerizing on this thing.

That being said, the person that did this is an absolute fucking nerd. Probably fixing his glasses right now, submitting photos of this construction to George Lucas' office right now. What else do nerds do? Dude's probably buying pens just to fill his pocket protector up.

If you put a gun to my head and asked me to reconstruct this thing, I can assure you I will die from blood loss. I don't know what it is, but every time I'm in the vicinity of a pumpkin and a sharp object, there is massive blood loss. Like not just a little cut--there is a debate whether I need to go to the hospital. So while I will diss this nerd until I can't type no more, I have a partial bit of respect for this World of Warcraft monster.

Four Loko Causing Kids To Get Cats Drunk

Not exactly the case, but Four Loko is becoming that new "Resident Evil" virus of our generation and causing college kids to get zombie drunk to the point where there forcing cats to funnel beers. Correction. This cat looks ready and willing to take this funnel down, but I bet it had some Four Loko too. Here's a quote from Central Washington University's administrative official:

"These people were fighting for consciousness almost ... their eyes were rolling back in their head."

Damn. Back in my day, you'd blackout, yell at a couple people, and possibly pee somewhere or throw up on your laptop--now these mofos are unconsciously terrorizing campus with no visible pupils. You best believe I'd perform at least 3 "All Weapons" codes per semester if this were the case. I'm like the "Blade" of Four Loko zombie'ism. I survived my first episode with Four Loko and it's taught me how to deal with others induced with the poison. I can also chill out in the sunlight and rock the leather jacket like no other.

But seriously, is that cat crushing this funnel? If so, I'm embarrassed in a way I've never been embarrassed before.