I Really Doubt That Putin Lets Any Of These Girls Come Home

Things they're waving bye to:

-their freedom

-the "grid"

-families

-friends

-Russia

-Earth

Just Don't Be The Guy That Leaves "Pi" As A Tip

Tipping is a delicate operation. You want to be reasonable, tip as much or more than everyone you're with and have the ability to drop the hammer if you get shitty service.

Lots of people are afraid that they'll seem cheap if they don't tip their waiter the young-professional-subscribed 19-22%, but if someone doesn't bring out my chocolate milk in a reasonable amount of time and/or ignores me for minutes on end, they'll know about it via a wack tip. It builds character. Or I'm a dick. I don't really care either way. I just know for a fact that I would never leave motherfuckin' "Pi" as a tip in any scenario.

I know a bunch of dweebs will see this picture and have a nerdgasm, but real talk, you can't show this to your boss and receive Pi as payment. Dude will just be like, "He wrote a squiggly line and somehow ended up with $20. No tip." That's just cold-blooded as hell. While I do completely believe in the ol' make-your-total-add-up-to-a-whole-number move, this just wasn't right. This is borderline fight worthy.

Am I the only one that likes a nice whole number to look at on Sunday when I check my bank account? No matter how shitfaced I am, my multiple bar tabs always look clean as hell. Zeroes, no change, and a complete lack of recognition of what I paid for.

Don't be a nerd and pay $3.14 like a regular person.

This Baby Sloth Is Convinced That A Teddy Bear Is Its Mother

So cute I just cried and threw up.

PS. No I won't make a "Ted" joke.

PPS. Not even trying to be crass or offensive, but this baby sloth might be mentally handicapped. Teddy Bear looks nothing like you, bro.

So The Mascots For The 2012 Summer Olympics Are Bottle Opening Cyclopses

I truly cannot imagine a more disconnected group of people coming up with images for the entire world to see than this Olympic committee. Screw ups left and right.

Wish I was a fly on the wall for the roundtable discussion:

Idiot 1: "We took a lot of flack from our Olympic logo. I mean, for crying out loud, people thought it looked like one Simpson's character performing fellatio on another."

Idiot 2: "Well, it kinda did and still does. Nothing we can do about that other than knock the mascots out of the park"

Idiot 3: "Traffic cones."

Idiot 2: "What the fuck did you just say? That's genius."

Idiot 1: "I love that idea, but what do they have to do with London, or the Olympics?"

::Silence::

Idiot 3 starts crying

Idiot 2: "Maybe we can use something related to beer since the entire world likes beer."

Idiot 1: "I once opened a beer bottle with one of those...ummm...can't think of it...

Idiot 3: "A bottle opener?"

Idiot 1: "Yes, yes!! That's it"

Idiot 2: "Bottle openers will be the Olympic mascot and people will forget about that potentially pornographic cartoon image!"

Idiot 3: "WAIT!"

Idiot 1 and 2: "What?" "What?"

Idiot 3: "They need to be cyclopses"

::Cheering and dancing ensues::

That had to be it. I can picture three low IQ'd assclowns just lobbing terrible ideas to each other until all partires get tired and they go out and get drunk.

And that's how you end up with bottle cap opening cyclopses as you mascots for the Olympic games.

Where Were You When Twitter And Gchat Were Simultaneously Shut Down?

^Twitter really kept itself together during the outage, huh?

Everyone will remember where they were when the two procrastination giants, Twitter and Gchat went down today. Sitting at our fucking desks, crunching fucking numbers, that's where.

Today made me realize how dependent I am on bothering all of my friends and telling 140 character jokes. Just sitting at my desk itching like a crack addict refreshing my browser. A significant part of my work day is not working, so this put a severe cramp in my style.

I took it all for granted. Hearing that familiar Gchat sound alert, checking what Justin Timberlake and random pornstars are up to, and purposely chatting people with the "I'm busy" red dot because you know they aren't busy. Nothing like it. You think I'm going to go on Facebook? Pfft, shit was like the Superdome after Katrina. A bunch of displaced souls looking for shelter until they can get their life back together.

I hope at least 40,000 people lost their jobs/lives because of this.

Serious Question: How Many Chicken Wings Are Equivalent To A Double Cheeseburger?

So I was thinking about my career food intake today and came to some pretty stunning realizations.

My life can basically be broken down into 3 sections of eating habits:

1) The Golden Age/The Dark Patch: Age 0-13

It can be both depending on how you look at it. Golden from a health standpoint and dark because I had to eat gross ass peas and shit. A parent cooked you a balanced meal and you had to eat it or dominate the "stealthily spitting into a napkin" game.

2) The Metabolism Abusing Years: Age 14-21

Straight racks on racks of burgers, fries, subs, wings, and laughing in fat kids faces behind their back. Basically a bodily equivalent of Wall Street in the '80s. Just eating what I wanted whenever I wanted without worrying about any type of repercussions.

3) I Have To Change My Life: Age 22-Present

If the metabolism abusing years were Wall Street in the 80s, right now is the financial collapse of 2008. My entire world is spinning upside down. My metabolism is still working on all cylinders, but I CANNOT eat what I want anymore. All of a sudden I'm lactose (blacktose) intolerant, get sick when I eat too fast, and get the itis almost instantly. And my left knee fucking hurts all the time. It's officially time to try whatever you hippies do and "watch what I eat."

Step one was realizing my past and realizing what is killing my man, Homeostasis. On the outside things are awesome, but there is a war going on inside my stomach on a daily basis. What it boiled down to was determining how many chicken wings and double cheeseburgers I've eaten in my lifetime.

The estimated, borderline lazy math was startling....

I think I've eaten roughly 1 million chicken wings and over 100,000 double cheeseburgers since 1987. That's fucking disgusting. Then it made me think, how many wings=a burger? You can't really quantify a wing and just eat until you're full, but what if 20 wings is equivalent to like 3.5 double cheeseburgers? No one knows and that's scary. If you're a degenerate like me, think about that fake statistic I just made up and rethink your lifestyle.

This is the illest PSA of all time.

AW SHIT: This Thing Washed Up On The Manhattan Shoreline

Great googly moogly, what the fuck is that thing? It's like a Chupacabra and a Gremlin had a baby, the baby saw itself in the mirror, drowned itself and washed up on shore.

Tough week for my home city. First a ban on large sodas and mutated monster rat devil creatures washing up on shore when you're just trying to go for a jog in the morning. Nothing will knock the cool out of your step faster than tripping over this thing during a romantic walk along the beach.

"Hey man, how'd that date with the girl go last night?"

"Umm, well, evertyhing was great up until we tripped over this giant pig rat with a protruding tooth and structurally unstable limbs. Dinner was awesome though.

Things I've seen on the street during the last month:

-Vibrator
-Dead Rats/Cats/Birds/Unknowns
-So many condoms
-Hologram Pokemon Cards
-"Apples to Apples" box with a Swastika drawn on it
-A family portrait with three faces "X"d out

All that combined doesn't come CLOSE to this thing. BLOOMBERGGGGGGG

The NYC Soda Ban Just Ain't Right

Welp, guess America might as well throw in the towel. China should just come over and lay a big fat dump on all of our faces because if I can't get 48 fluid ounces of high fructose corn syrup, Yellow #5 and excess carbonation at my leisure, we've lost.

Sure, it makes more sense to order a small soda if there are free refills, but where's the pageantry? I'm trying to flaunt my future diabetes in front of everyone like the Constitution intended. We can't have our "Small" become "Large" and our "Large" become buckets. I won't have it. I want the option to involuntarily live the "Super Size Me" lifestyle Friday-Sunday.

I want to be proud to live in a country where these exist:

And this couple:

And this cat:

And this remote control cooler:

I'm too tired to keep typing because I'm American and proud to say that I got tired writing a blog. Allow me keep that right, Bloomberg.

Christian Bale Visits One Of The Colorado Shooting Victims

As long as he didn't once talk in the Batman voice, this is a damn good gesture.

Move Over Nigerian Prince In Need Of $2000, Death Texts Are The New Hotness

I may the most susceptible dude in the world in the money scamming game. Just an ill combo of very-gullible and having a memorized knowledge of my social security number/credit card number.

Why wouldn't I pay you if you told me my uncle that I don't have is trapped in a Nigerian prison? Seems completely reasonable that I would send you $2000 American dollars for bail even though Nigerian exchange rates may not allow such a transaction to go through.

Now we have death texts. Here are my issues with the example above:

1) "Sum1": You'd think that someone would want to be concise and articulate in a text message about killing a person and gravely needing $5000. I guess T9 word just isn't fast enough sumtymz.

2) Autocorrect: Your fat-ass thumbs can easily turn "kill" into "lick" and things can get unintentionally sexual real quick.

3) The audacity: Stop it. Just cut the god damn mularkey. Ask me for like a trillion dollars, say you have my dog, tell me you're in my house, something, man. If you come with a weak ass death text you can assure you're getting your ass deleted.

Including an ellipsis in your death text might be the softest thing anyone can do.