Move Over Nigerian Prince In Need Of $2000, Death Texts Are The New Hotness

I may the most susceptible dude in the world in the money scamming game. Just an ill combo of very-gullible and having a memorized knowledge of my social security number/credit card number.

Why wouldn't I pay you if you told me my uncle that I don't have is trapped in a Nigerian prison? Seems completely reasonable that I would send you $2000 American dollars for bail even though Nigerian exchange rates may not allow such a transaction to go through.

Now we have death texts. Here are my issues with the example above:

1) "Sum1": You'd think that someone would want to be concise and articulate in a text message about killing a person and gravely needing $5000. I guess T9 word just isn't fast enough sumtymz.

2) Autocorrect: Your fat-ass thumbs can easily turn "kill" into "lick" and things can get unintentionally sexual real quick.

3) The audacity: Stop it. Just cut the god damn mularkey. Ask me for like a trillion dollars, say you have my dog, tell me you're in my house, something, man. If you come with a weak ass death text you can assure you're getting your ass deleted.

Including an ellipsis in your death text might be the softest thing anyone can do.