Monday, July 2, 2012

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"What Day Is It?": A Deeper Look Into The Strangest 10 Day Span Of A Young Professional's Working Life

Is today Monday? Sure, that seems like an easy question if you look at your calendar, but if you look with your party shades on, today's actually Thursday. Throwing July 4th right in the middle of the week looked like a terrible idea months ago, but now we have found ourselves smack in the midst of a legitimate 10 day semi-weekend. Let's go through every day as it should go:

Last Friday: Off from work feeling good. Take that requisite nap, send out some texts, and start drinking. Go out, get weird, lose one of your friends, sleep it off.

Last Saturday: Miss McDonald's breakfast AGAIN, beat yourself up because of it, consider going outside, start sweating before you realize you're outside, go back in and lounge the day away. Do the same thing as the night before, but at a different bar in what I hope are different clothes.

Last Sunday: Dead to the world, catch up on all on-demand TV shows, consider playing sports/doing something active, scoff at the idea, order pizza, nap, iron work clothes...but HOW MANY WORK CLOTHES?!

Monday (Today): How do I treat this week? Is today like a Thursday? People are loading you with work because they plan on being radio-silent for 7 days. Still a small amount of residual alcohol in your veins, oh well, #SWERVE.

Tuesday (Tomorrow): Joke city. Come in whenevs, take a 2 hour lunch, drink a margarita, sneaky throw up in the bathroom, come back into work, get let out early. Open Excel just for the hell of it though. Light, super casual drinks.

Wednesday (Bombs be burstin'n shit): Regret that "light, super casual drinks" turned into heavy, rambunctious drinks. Lay on a beach, sweat like an asshole, take a quick dip, eat some clam strips, and order a lemonade because your body physically can't handle another alcoholic beverage.

Thursday: Second Thursday of the week, no one is in the office and if they are, their souls aren't. Power through the day, don't respond to "What's good for tonight?" texts, watch some Netflix and call it a night.

Friday: Be legitimately shocked that you are effectively "at it" again. At this point you don't even know what drinking establishment to go to because you've been to like 30 in the past 6 days. And you can't use the stay-in excuse because you wasted it last night. Just dive in and don't buy microwaveable White Castles from 7-Eleven on your way home.

Saturday: Homeostasis is gone. You don't know whether you have to eat, shit, or throw up, so you just lay in your bed for legit 4 1/2 hours. There are White Castle crumbs everywhere. Shit.

Sunday: You clean your room, buy toothpaste from CVS, do some laundry, answer 2 emails, and pretend that your life is fine. Disregard your impressive weight gain, lowered morals, numerous bruises, and your tattered memory of the 4th of July celebration itself and you had a pretty good 10 day weekend.

Buckle up.

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