Wednesday, July 25, 2012

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Serious Question: How Many Chicken Wings Are Equivalent To A Double Cheeseburger?

So I was thinking about my career food intake today and came to some pretty stunning realizations.

My life can basically be broken down into 3 sections of eating habits:

1) The Golden Age/The Dark Patch: Age 0-13

It can be both depending on how you look at it. Golden from a health standpoint and dark because I had to eat gross ass peas and shit. A parent cooked you a balanced meal and you had to eat it or dominate the "stealthily spitting into a napkin" game.

2) The Metabolism Abusing Years: Age 14-21

Straight racks on racks of burgers, fries, subs, wings, and laughing in fat kids faces behind their back. Basically a bodily equivalent of Wall Street in the '80s. Just eating what I wanted whenever I wanted without worrying about any type of repercussions.

3) I Have To Change My Life: Age 22-Present

If the metabolism abusing years were Wall Street in the 80s, right now is the financial collapse of 2008. My entire world is spinning upside down. My metabolism is still working on all cylinders, but I CANNOT eat what I want anymore. All of a sudden I'm lactose (blacktose) intolerant, get sick when I eat too fast, and get the itis almost instantly. And my left knee fucking hurts all the time. It's officially time to try whatever you hippies do and "watch what I eat."

Step one was realizing my past and realizing what is killing my man, Homeostasis. On the outside things are awesome, but there is a war going on inside my stomach on a daily basis. What it boiled down to was determining how many chicken wings and double cheeseburgers I've eaten in my lifetime.

The estimated, borderline lazy math was startling....

I think I've eaten roughly 1 million chicken wings and over 100,000 double cheeseburgers since 1987. That's fucking disgusting. Then it made me think, how many wings=a burger? You can't really quantify a wing and just eat until you're full, but what if 20 wings is equivalent to like 3.5 double cheeseburgers? No one knows and that's scary. If you're a degenerate like me, think about that fake statistic I just made up and rethink your lifestyle.

This is the illest PSA of all time.

4 Reactions to this post

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