Tuesday, July 10, 2012

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30 Team, 450 Player Trade Lands Dwight Howard In Brooklyn With Hov And That Terrifying Russian Dude


Hey NBA, what the fuck happened? What happened to getting paid a bajillion dollars and competing every night for the jersey on your back? What happened to having an enemy, a rival even? What happened to basketball?

Not to date myself, but I got into the NBA when the stars were hungry and wanted to win more than ANYTHING in the world. Basketball was their life and winning was literally everything. Now it's at the point where the NBA offseason is theater in itself. There are plots of deception, betrayal, glee, and confusion. Just get your money, compete and maintain a semblance of loyalty to the people that pay their hard earned money to watch you play every night. Don't fucking mail it in because you don't feel like playing anymore.

Here are my gripes:

1) Dwight Howard:
You're like a dumb hot chick that is leading a nice and genuine dude on longer than he deserves. Your entire life you've been handed everything and don't know what to do when you have to make a difficult decision. Ruin a season, destroy Sportscenter, pout on camera while dunking the ball, lie in press conferences, sign a new contract, "get injured", get the entire front office fired, YOUR BABY MAMA IS STILL ON "BASKETBALL WIVES", and demand a trade to 12 different NBA franchises. Patrick, David, Hakeem and Shaquille wouldn't have done what you're doing.

2) The New York Knicks:
I almost started crying when they resigned JR Smith. That's like me going to back to the same restaurant that gave me food poisoning 10 times in a row. Strangely enough, that's not even the worst thing that's happened to the team. The point guards on the roster are BARON DAVIS, MIKE BIBBY, JASON KIDD, AND JEREMY LIN. Baron doesn't have one of his kneecaps, Bibby's zombified body hasn't had fully functioning red blood cells since '07, Jason Kidd's son looks like this , and Jeremy Lin is undoubtedly depressed after losing Landry Fields. But hey, don't worry NYK brought in Marcus Camby, hid all the fire extinguishers, prevented Tyson Chandler from committing suicide, didn't trade Iman Shumpert, and built a wax statue of Carmelo Anthony. Knicks are fine.

3) Steve Nash joins the Lakers:


4) The Atlanta Hawks escaping mediocrity:
I don't know about you guys, but I penciled the Atlanta Hawks as the 5th seed in the Eastern Conference every year up until 2056. The prototypical mediocre team finally did something of relevance. They hired Danny Ferry, he started up Windows Vista, he fired everyone, typed in his username and password, traded everyone, read the newspaper and took a nap. The Hawks may mess around and get that asshole, crybaby Dwight Howard (strangely friends with Josh Smith) and lure Chris Paul (he loves Magic City, but then again, who doesn't) next year. Mediocre no more. 1 seed or 15th seed. Ferry, out!

5) Jay-Z saying "The Nets can go 0-82 and I look at you like this shit gravy"
I was praying that Deron Williams left, Joe Johnson never arrived and Gerald Wallace tore his ACL in preseason game one. Just so we can see this face:
-gravy face

6) Is NBA League Pass going to be worth it this year?
I'm a big basketball fan and I love watching every team play, but watching Eric Gordon taking miserable lazy jumpers while Drew Brees looks on ain't sounding too fun. What does league pass offer? Watching Michael Beasley average 28 a game on 29% shooting and 1.12 assists? Watching Monta Ellis and Brandon Jennings rock-paper-scissors to see who shoots next? Watching the 76ers start a basketball game with 5 small forwards? Watching the Celtics play the "We still got it" card for the 4th year in a row? Watch David Stern give "the eye" to nervous officials when LeBron drives to the basket against the Pistons? Watch anyone on the Pistons not named Greg Monroe? Fuck, I'm worried about next year.

If you're a girl and read this far, I have some babies for you to have.

2 Reactions to this post

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  1. Anonymous said... July 11, 2012 at 10:51 AM

    perfect. you should write more about sports

  2. Coach McDowell said... July 11, 2012 at 1:13 PM

    Good job, good effort!

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