Thursday, June 25, 2009

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Not For The Faint Of Heart

It’s been awhile since I have last posted. I had to settle some scores, pay some bills, and quell a few feuds. That's neither here nor there, but you all had to know. Now it is time to give you all a small glimpse into my past. From day one I have been scared shitless of public restrooms. Maybe it started when I was a strapping young lad and my mother used to take me into the woman’s bathroom whenever I had to go. Maybe it was the fact that I was pretty much scared of any woman who was not my mom during the Cootie Pandemic of ’93, who’s to say really?

Years passed, rules were established, and etiquette was set. You need a one (ideally two) stall separator between you and the next urinating gentleman (I don’t know, nor do I ever want to know what goes down in the girl’s bathroom, but I am sure it’s fucking anarchy in there, nothing like the well established democracy of the “Men’s Room”). The one thing I have been a little cloudy on is shitting protocol. Stage fright is an understatement when there is a stranger or girl within 25 feet of me shitting. It is my special spot. A spot to bring my laptop, play Ipod games/listen to music, and read “The Worst Case Scenario Handbook.” 95% of the time, no shitting is taking place. Just a solid spot to recap your day and since I have started working, it also acts as a napping location.

Here is where the problem lies and my newest reason why I hate public restrooms…what does one do when there is another man, a stranger shitting right next to them? I clam up (gross expression..sorry) and basically wait until they are finished. If you check my career stats on, you can see that I have zero career party/bar shits. It is just not a logical move, especially for your social status. Too many bad things can happen and you only set yourself up for failure. Let a few farts slide in the middle of a dude set and get out of there..always works. Also, there is really no timetable on how long a man shits. Obviously, no one can pee that long, but shitting can easily turn into an event. I also feel like every time this happens, it is some gross old man that grunts and makes everything all the more uncomfortable. I can’t be my normal productive self when these things are happening, which is why I am not to fond of the expression, “shit or get off the pot”, I also don’t like how they are equating a pot and a toilet. Maybe I can learn to be more tolerant of fellow shitters, but until then I am not fond of people violently shitting their britches right next to me. Blumpkins are a completely different story….ok I’m done, you can go throw up now.

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  1. Anonymous said... June 26, 2009 at 11:29 AM

    If some guys unloading next to you, at least its usually over quick. The worst is when you get dragged into a standoff...its like a fucked up form of chicken. Neither one of you will shit until the man next to you does. Neither person is at all comfortable.

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