Monday, June 29, 2009

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The Old-School Game Awards

Since I am such a creative soul, I thought we'd give credit where credit is due and honor some of the most influential things in our Now without further ado.

The "man of the year" award goes to a young man that went solely by the name “Mr. Bucket.” Where he lacked a first name he more than made up for with colorful plastic golf balls. I can’t even begin to imagine how many head to head collisions this game generated. There are no clear memories in my head of playing this game, but I feel that, like ecstasy, Mr. Bucket produced a similar brain damaging artificial form of euphoria. Our next award please…

Think about the terrifying mind-fucking torture of “Russian roulette.” Not a good thought huh? The age 4 and up version of that was known as “Don’t Wake Daddy”—the winner of “the scariest game that was by no means meant to be scary” award. Odd premise too. Wake up and get to the kitchen without waking Dad? Is this father a sick and deranged man that penalizes his children for eating or were these children generally bad people. Answers we will never know. I vividly remember the fear of landing on a 9-push spot. Tears would flow and my brief life flashed before my eyes. Seeing that poorly constructed dad figure rise up in a rage brought even the strongest of 4 year olds to tears. Let us move on.

The award for the game that every dude wanted, but had no fucking idea how to play or what was happening in the commercial goes to….”Crossfire.” Bring in an electric guitar, a rocking vocal performance, some lightning/fire, and kids in leather jackets, you have yourself advertising gold. Parents were markedly scared to get children this game because literally no one knew what was happening.

The award for “God dammit, this looks nothing like the box”, goes to “Mouse Trap.” I have no evaluation for this game because I was too fucking cool to set that shit up.

Our next award is “the game that wasn’t that fun in 1993, but became exponentially more fun during a 2008 frat party” goes to “Twister.” Whoever made this shit, Parker Brothers or Milton Bradley, need to receive some sort of recognition for creating some of the best (and worst) nights of my life.

And lastly, the award for the game that taught us how to judge people—“Guess Who.” This game taught me about nerds and fat people before I got to kindergarten. It allowed for a smooth transition into the social hierarchy of the school world. There were so many other nominations and awards, but for those of you that have read this far, this is one of the dumbest things I have ever thought of in my life.

Might as well cut my losses and get the hell out of here. Later

3 Reactions to this post

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  1. Unknown said... July 7, 2009 at 2:17 PM
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  2. Emma said... July 7, 2009 at 2:19 PM

    hahahaha so true!!

    and there's always this one:

    "Monopoly, there's another little game. We had Monopoly, everybody had it.
    No one like it, even if you thought you liked the game you didn't.
    And it's simple why, ok.
    Cuz this is anyone here 2 and a half hours into a game of Monopoly, ready?:
    *Booush* "FUCK THIS GAME! It's 4 in the morning grandma, YOU WIN!
    I'm sittin' on Baltic with crap! I'm paying luxury tax out the ass!
    And I hate when your the banker,
    where did you get the pink 50's you cheating whore?!
    Don't fucking touch me grandpa, NANA is a CHEATING WHORE!"

  3. Alex moner said... April 30, 2020 at 9:45 AM

    Parents were markedly scared to get children this game because literally no one knew what was happening.먹튀

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