This Dubstep Singing Bird May Mark The End Of Civilization

The worst part is that this fucking bird killed it. I don't even understand what Dubstep is, but I'm more than positive that this is impressive music.

This begs the ultimate question: are birds too smart? I've always said that once they learn Dubstep, it's curtains for the rest of us. They're certainly not scared of us. I'm on a bad streak of pigeons ignoring me as I walk down the street. I basically have to get out of their way at this point. Just disrespectful creatures.

First this:


And then this:


Now this:

It's Fine. I'm Not Even Worried About It.

I'm not saying my name is "Winston Jones" or anything, but we can all agree that after seeing this, anyone named Winston Jones probably had a rough day. He probably didn't click through his Excel documents with his usual ferocity. Lunch may not have been as much fun.

I honestly have no idea what I'm really talking about since I've obviously never been in this situation with a name like Dub Jeezy.

PS. Did I just break the 4th wall? Is this blog meta now?

PPS. In all seriousness, am I in danger?

Welp, Ballagram.Com Just Became My New Favorite Website

Um, Internet, you've been put on notice.

Do you see Ross sitting in a chair, wearing a mink coat and petting a leopard cub?

Do you see Trinidad James displaying his name on his fist via gold lettering, with a Pomeranian riding semi-shotgun, most likely wearing a red vest?

Do you see fake rapper Tyga using his Trust Fund money to show all of the expensive jewelry he has while he rides his dad's private jet into Richie Rich tower?

Do you see Young Jeezy desperately trying to hold back hashtagging "#GivingBackToDaCommunity" while he drives his Bentley into a lower income neighborhood?

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I just fell into another internet blackhole and I don't know when I'm going to emerge from this one. I'll physically be here, but mentally, I'll see you guys next Monday.

Australia Is So Balls Ass Hot, They Created A New Color Scheme To Describe How Balls Ass Hot It Is

Yikes, Australia. Looks like someone's got a case of the struggles right now. But in all seriousness, "Purple Hot" means everyone's dead, right?

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure purple = dark-red and dark red means everybody's blood got burnt. Simple science really. Pull your shit together and stop having random plots of land catching fire for no reason, Australia. Not a good look when your "low" temperature at midnight is a mere 95 degrees.

What's Australia's deal anyway? Continent/Country? Super cocky. Counter-clockwise flushing toilets? Dumb. Vegemite? Disgusting. Purple dots indicating wide-spread land fire? Dangerous.

Clean up your shit, Aussies.

I Think 2Chainz Just Became King Of The Creepers

Lord bless all the creeps, thats on twitter and other social networks.

— Tity Boi (2 Chainz) (@2chainz) January 7, 2013

It doesn't take much to become the king and ruler of all creepers. Sometimes all it takes is one tweet and you're sitting at the throne leading all of the internet vagrants to the promised land. The "promised land" of course means jail, but still, a leader is a leader.

PS. I'd love to be the guy who stepped up and said that the name "Tity Boi" simply isn't marketable.

No Biggie, Just A Cat With Multiple Handsaws, Drill Heads And A Cellphone Attached To Its Body Trying To Infiltrate A Maximum Security Prison In Brazil

Um, well, what did you do with your weekend? Have a couple drinks, watch some football and maybe hangout with friends? All of that seemed pretty solid until you read this story about this cat. Now your weekend sucked.

He could have just sat around and did normal cat things like he was supposed to. Hell, if I was a cat, I'd be ok with laying around, licking myself and purring all damn day. Not this cat. This motherfucker wanted, for some reason, to aide and abet hundreds of hardened criminals in one of the world's most dangerous countries. I'm not saying what this cat did was right, but I can't help but respect it. To have the dexterity to use AND rip tape and apply like 13 relatively dangerous things to its body is impressive. And don't get on your high horse and start thinking this cat had someone tape this stuff to him. This reeks of a one man rogue operation. The only thing that went wrong was the fact that it's a cat and that it had several handsaws, drills and prepaid cellphones attached to its body. Other than that small issue, A+ job.

PS. Are drills, handsaws, and prepaid phones the Holy Trinity of "Things you Need in Prison?" I may replace the drills with a rope in the event that I had to get on my Rapunzel shit.

PPS. Yup

Was Anyone Else Terrified Of The California Raisins?

First off, who the FUCK thought it was a good idea to model a Blues band AND a cartoon show out of raisins? I will never come close to understanding how this possibly happened. The fact that a meeting definitely took place to determine this is mind boggling to me. But more importantly, how scary are these things?

Granted, my pride and what little remaining swag I had is pretty much gone, but I'm not afraid to admit how much these raisins startled me. Like, why do they have to look like pained, old black men? And that asshole with the sunglasses on just bothered me immensely. Dude didn't have an instrument or a mic, just his glasses and the occasional mohawk like that was good enough to be a member of a band. Terrible example for the kids.

Moral of the story: too many lumps, grooves, wrinkles and realistic expressions for me to come close to supporting this franchise. Fuck grapes.

PS. If you don't know what these things are, I swear I'm not old and all of this post is redacted.

You're Not A Crazy, Depressed Cat Lady Until You Get Portraits Of All Of Your Dead Cats Tattooed On Your Back

Hey potential recluses and lonely chicks, the bar has been raised. Not only do you have to own like 9 cats, hundreds of plastic bags, have zero friends in your life and no prospects for love, you now need to get the dead cats drawn and tattooed on your back.

Life's such a grind for these sad chicks. Living in a log cabin in the middle of West Virginia that has no landlord and isn't technically on "the grid" is no longer qualification to be a cat lady in 2013. Shit's harder. It's like how college is "the new high school" and grad school is "the new college." I feel for y'all.

PS. "Monocle" Cat is an absolute problem

I've Never Wanted To Leave Earth More

^Oh...word?

Mayans. This was them and you can be fucking sure of it. Sure you may read "Venezuelan Poodle Moth", but we all know how this went down. It's the biggest "We didn't actually kill you all on the 21st, but we kinda did" move of all time. They needed a scapegoat so they went ahead and picked poor little Venezuela as the breeding ground for these fluffy terrifying monsters.

I need at least 12 Encyclopedias, a rocket launcher and Stephen Hawking permanently riding at my side by midnight tonight if I'm going to survive this version of the apocalypse.

Question 1) Why do you have to look like that though?

Question 2) Did YOU actually invent swag?

Question 3) How quickly does the poison that you undoubtedly have kill me?

I blame Kanye for this shit:

Baby Panda Loses It Over Rubber Ball

In light of all of this fiscal cliff, West-Kardashian baby nonsense, WMD likes to keep it extra simple and not talk about anything relevant on a day where there are plenty of relevant things to talk about.

Because I'm a blogger that pulls no punches and says what the others are afraid to say, I will call a spade a spade and say what everyone is thinking: this baby panda is fucking drunk. Like, me-for-a-majority-of-today level drunk.

We've all seen that bug-eyed, grab-hold-of-anything-around desperation of a completely hammered person. Well that's being displayed here in this piss drunk panda. Wrapping it's arms around the ball, tripping over logs and repeatedly ending up on it's back paint a pretty clear picture. I'm not knocking the Panda, it's almost 2013, do you and celebrate. I'm knocking the videographer for exploiting this poor bastard while he just tries to work his way through his drunk. Let him live and not wake up with an embarrassing video to watch during his hangover.