Hurricane Sandy Relief

Here's the link everyone. Donate what you can as people in the New York/New Jersey area still need plenty of help.

Thanks.

Literally JUST Became Afflicted With Seasonal Affective Disorder Again

EVERY year with this shit. The Monday after Daylight savings is arguably the worst day of the year. Like, do you really want to be at the bar for another hour? If I stayed out for another 15 minutes on Saturday night, I would have purchased frozen White Castle cheeseburgers and probably would have thrown up. Not ideal. Instead I got a little sleep, was super confused all day Sunday and braced myself for the disaster that was Monday.

Didn't matter. Monday was even more awful than expected. I came into work, ate a bagel, procrastinated a bit, had a meeting and it was dark. Pitch black at like 1:04 PM. Oh, and I didn't mention that the temperature dipped to 0 degrees Kelvin today. Just all around perfect storm for Seasonable Affective Disorder. Let's go over the symptoms:

1) Difficulty waking: Check. Plus.

2) Decreased energy: Obviously.

3) Carbohydrate cravings: If gummy bears have carbs, I'm guilty as charged.

4) Increased appetite: Eh, not really.

5) Increased sleep: Not while Netflix still exists.

6) Weight gain: Nah. Still awesome looking.

7) Difficulty concentrating: It's taken me about 2 hours to write this blog.

8) Decreased libido:

9) Withdrawal from family and friends: Been in my room for like 4 hours straight

10) Depression/Irritability/Anxiety: Struggle city.

Are you afflicted? If you don't think you are, you probably are.

Koshik The Elephant Is Speaking Korean, Y'all

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Koshik is cocky. That's something we can gather from this picture alone. This elephant is feelin' himself and I can't knock it one bit. Once I started taking Spanish classes and found out what "Livin' La Vida Loca" meant, I was walking with an extra pep in my step too.

But then again, we have to come back to the fact that this is a Korean speaking elephant and that shit is absolutely hilarious. I can't pinpoint it, but it's definitely the funniest thing I will see today. Yes, I can go with the same, "the Mayans have won" yapping I would normally do in a situation like this, but it's too obvious. They won AWHILE ago. I just want to embrace this thing and have him chill on the ground with me while I perform calligraphy too. That guy is so lucky.

Can't wait for Steven Spielberg to get wind of this. He'll have Hanks, Norton and Clooney on the phone within 15 minutes in discussion for the knock-off "Planet of the Elephants" movie. It'll win so many Razzies.

Top 10 Candy Power Rankings

After my unexpectedly polarizing Halloween candy post, I figured that I would take it one step further and do an entire list. I may disowned, defriended and broken up with because of this list, but candy needs a definitive ranking:

#10-Kit Kats

An unsung hero in many respects. It's always in your candy jar and you're never that upset about it. Sure, you're not thrilled, but at any given moment you can probably crush like 17 fun-sizes in a half an hour.

#9-Hersheys Milk Chocolate Bar

While Hersheys Milk Chocolate Bar WITH ALMONDS is probably the worst candy ever, the original is as solid as solid gets. Versatile and effective in so many different ways. Will never wow you, but it will always pick up the tough yards you need. And smores, can't forget smores.

#8-Skittles

Skittles lead the league in making me sick and almost suffocating me, but I will never leave them. Just a straight up abusive relationship where I love the punishment. Sure, maybe they come out of the bag at 75 MPH and there's a 100% chance they'll get stuck in your teeth, but love is love.

#7-Twizzlers

My first sexy pick on this list. Twizzlers are the hot chick with zero personality in the candy world. Flashy as shit, terrible wrapping situation, and all around a weird eat. I respect the hell out of Twizzlers.

#6 Butterfinger

One of the most flawed candies of all time. Basically the Michael Vick of candy bars. So much talent, so much potential, but too many glaring flaws to ever be considered the best. HOW COME EVERY TIME I OPEN A BUTTERFINGER IT'S BROKEN AND CRUMBS GET EVERYWHERE AND IT GETS STUCK IN MY TEETH ALL THE TIME?

#5 Sour Patch Kids

Just a good time. Since I'm lame as fuck, this is as close to Molly and Ecstacy I'm ever going to get. Pixie dust on top of gummy children. Throw on some Dubstep and let's crush some SP Kids.

#4 Snickers

Much like Skittles, I think I'm going to die every time I eat a Snickers. Without fail I always choke on a rogue peanut bit that gets lodged in my esophagus. No shame in my game. Snickers is cocky and they know it. Just throwing anything they felt like into a pot, mixing it up and making a bomb ass candy bar. Don't even care that it's the most homoerotic candy bar out right now.

#3 Hershey's Cookies and Cream

This shit is like a unicorn. Any time you have it, you eat it so fast that you don't remember what happened. You black out, see weird wrappers all over the place and are left confused. Aside from that, there's no stopping white chocolate, choco-bits, and the swagger of a Hersey bar.

#2 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

If you don't like Reeses and have no allergies, you should be immediately catapulted into space. It's the simplest, most effective taste orgasm of all time. It has a downright foolish design, melts in anything over 32 degrees Fahrenheit and doesn't give you enough portion-wise. And with all that, it's still one of the most dominant candies to exist. Whatchu know about Reeses Puffs cereal?! (Seriously, I've never had it and would genuinely like to know)

#1) Gummy Bears/Worms/Sour Gummies

Gummies win this in a landslide. Not even a contest really. Show me a gummy bear from any generic pack of gummy bears and I will show you the best candy on the planet. The formula is so potent that it just gets better regardless of the creature. Why we decided on bears and worms, we'll never know, but whoever figured this out should win at least 5 Nobel Prizes. Now someone pour some sour dust on these things and turn on the fucking Dub Step!

...What The Hell Happened In Japanese Mario?!

Well aside from the obvious fact of my childhood being over, this is the most outrageous picture I think I have ever seen. I know this blog is pretty much exclusively hyperbole, but I really mean it this time. Most outrageous picture of my life.

Fucked up things to observe:

1) WHAT'S IN THE BAG, MARIO?

2) I'm like 68% sure that's Link from "Legend of Zelda" with his arm wrapped around the princess.

3) Toad #1 and Toad #2 are naked as hell

4) That's a Yeti in the bottom right of the picture. There was never a Yeti in any Super Mario game.

5) Goombas and Turtles are inexplicably floating. No longer threats. It seems very peaceful in Mushroom Kingdom.

6) Is this a video game or an album? The "Original Soundtrack" in the top left is in English. Could be an R&B album--worth investigating.

The 5-year old in all of us just jumped off a roof.

This "Painting" Horse Kinda Sucks At Painting

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Big whoop. So what if this horse successfully painted a picture of himself? That shit was in 2D. You can accidentally paint anything in 5 minutes if there is zero artistic skill involved. Where's the shading? Do horses get a free-pass when it comes to things like angles, depth and realism, or is "Justin" getting entirely too much credit?

Sure, you may think I'm hating on this horse, but damn, drawing a self-portrait in art class was by far the most difficult academic activity I ever had to perform. Took me like 8 months and always, without fail, looked like shit. Can't have Justin-the-plain-named-horse coming out here and getting all this CNN shine. Just because you're using your mouth, have hooves, and don't understand the concept of art doesn't let you make a mockery of my life like that. It ain't that easy.

Color me unimpressed.

This Guy Appears To Have Found A Loophole In Halloween

When people can't tell the difference between petty sexual assault and cleverness, you know you came up with a damn good costume. I also have no idea how you do this, aside from the obvious fact that this dude spent a serious amount of time at FedEx Kinkos making some outlandish demands.

As a blogger, I'm a fake computer programmer and I find it hard to believe this ratty looking dude Alt-PrtSc-Paint-Crop-Save'd his way into Halloween superstardom. As a blogger nerd, I can't believe it. I won't believe it.

The Definitive List Of The Worst Halloween Candy You Can Ever Receive

It's that time of year again. The time where you're just trying to get home after a tough day at the office, but can't seem to avoid adults talking about their kids for Halloween. "My son is this", "My daughter is that", blah blah blah. Don't you get it, old man? I have no idea what Yo Gabba Gabba is and frankly it sounds like the stupidest shit of all time. It's also the time of year where you reflect on the days where you dressed up like an asshole and accosted people for chocolate and corn syrup.

These are the candies that worked hard to ruin your holiday, in order:

5) Mounds
Fucking Mounds, Man. Outrageous how coconuts just weaseled their way into a candy bar and were allowed to flourish. Irresponsible move by the candy making industry. Threw these out immediately when I got home.

4) Smarties
I get it. The cashflow isn't moving in as quickly this month, but don't insult me. Give me a Dum-Dum or something. I need a candy that I can work with. Smarties are awful. There is no distinguishing the flavors and in the event you actually attempt to eat them, they all fall on the floor and get lost under the couch.

3) Whoppers
If you can successfully tell me what a "malted milk ball" is without sounding like a liar and a con-artist, I'll give you a dollar. Shit sounds disgusting and downright hazardous to a growing child's health. Any time CVS is selling a bag of 20000 Whoppers for $0.99, you know what's going on.

2) Almond Joy
The only thing worse and more wrong than putting cocunut inside a chocolate bar is putting almonds inside of a chocolate bar. Don't infringe my rights by forcing healthy food into my grill. I choose not to eat almonds because I eat like a degenerate. You don't see them putting cauliflower inside of a Big Mac, so don't put god damn almonds in my chocolate. Oh yeah, I wrote a blog on this too.

1) Tootsie Roll
Lazy, bitter, old, and fucking confused. That's what you have to be if you are putting a Tootsie Roll into a small, innocent child's Halloween bag tonight. For the people that say, "What, Dub? It's chocolate", shut up. If a Tootsie Roll is chocolate, A Working Man's Diary is worth 2 Billion Euros. It's like the hot dog of candy. It's bits in pieces of all the worst edible things in the world with brown food coloring. I knew things were bad for Tootsie rolls when I saw them in a store being sold for a penny. Don't be the person that ruins a kids Halloween.

As soon as I have a mortgage and a neighborhood, you best believe I'm distributing jawbreakers and lemon Warheads. Bastard of the neighborhood.

Life After A "Hurricane Day"

I feel like I just got rescued from being stranded on a desert island. Today was all about getting acclimated back into civilization from whatever world I was in yesterday.

Adult snow-days are weird as hell. You don't know how to treat them and you're basically freaking out the entire time thinking that you're wasting it. Basically from the time you wake up and the time you normally leave work, it's free time. So you encounter the dilemma of: how do you spend that time?

Since it's a hurricane, you're trapped inside and have limited amount of things to do. Here are Dub J's Cabin Fever guidelines:

-wake up right when "The Today Show" starts and try to stay awake until Kathie Lee and Hoda's skank ass come on

-go on Google Chrome's "Incognito Mode" and proceed to get weird

-make an omelette because frankly, that's the only thing I can make

-search out and make a concerted effort to watch "Maury" and "The Price is Right"

-play video games

-respond to some emails concerning "working from home"

-eat pizza and nap

-realize it's like 3pm and start freaking out

-"clean" room, get more depressed

-accept the inevitable, go on with rest of day post 6pm

I feel like Tom Hanks from Castaway thrust back into the office. A liability on all accounts. As a victim of Hurricane Sandy, pray for me.

Blogging Live From "We All Gon' Die" Central

^concerning amount of precipitation on my window right now

So here it is, everyone. Possibly my last blog before I get whisked away into the sky like one of those cows from the movie Twister. You best believe your boy is going out exactly how he came in though: with glasses on, in his underwear, with Netflix on blast until the power shuts off. It's like the idea of the captain going down with his ship, only if you replace a semi-nude blogger with "captain" and clutching his laptop whilst very startled with "going down with his ship."

The real question is: can six eggs, an UNOs Deep Dish pizza, and some assorted poultry and beef last me the duration of this storm? You know, just doing my due diligence to determine the most opportune time to start eating my roommates and shit.

Be safe errrybody.