Thursday, December 6, 2012

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WMD Investigates: Do Girls Fall In The Toilet When Guys Leave The Seat Up?

A question that has plagued me since the day my mother freaked out on me about "leaving the seat up" when I was little. From the moment I replied "But why?" and received "Because I said so" "Because it's considerate" as a response, it has been a life quest of mine to find real answers. I've been skewered for leaving seats up in female dorm rooms for years and never once heard a legitimate reason why. My only real hypothesis is that ladies fall in the toilet if the seat is up, but I'm giving you guys a chance to explain otherwise. Here are the questions that I have had and my logical response:

As 5 year old Dub Jeezy asked, "But why" is it considerate?

-As a woman in 2012, why do you guys need assistance dealing with toilet bowl related matters. Yes, touching the seat is gross, but we have to do it too. It's not a big deal if you have soap at the sink. Nothing on the toilet will give you gangrene. If it's up, you literally just have to put it down and go about your business. Takes like .09 seconds and it's not particularly heavy. There are things that can be called "chivalrous" and this is not one of them. Beyonce didn't write sing "Independent Women" for this.

A) Is the toilet seat itself really that gross? Or..
B) The sight of what's on the lip of the toilet that disgusting?

-It has to be one of these two things right? I've heard the "guys pee everywhere" argument and I get that. Guys for the most part, are disgusting. But even the grossest, most inaccurate guy (that lifts up the seat before urinating) gets it on the lip of the toilet and not the seat thus creating an effective barrier from your hammies and glutes. I've also heard the more far-fetched, but plausible "pubes on the lip of the toilet" argument. Admittedly, that's nasty, but ultimately it's your own fault for associating yourself with someone that sheds pubic hair and/or doesn't manscape correctly. It's a micro issue getting blown out to a macro level.

PS. All bets are off for the guy that doesn't lift the seat before peeing. He's crazy, call the cops.

Do you fall into the toilet if the seat is up?

-The most important question and the overall purpose of this post. Are girls actually falling into toilets out there? I've heard a consensus "yes" that this happens as well as a resounding "no." You know what they say, "where there's smoke, there's fire." Look, I get that you guys never have to look at the seat before going, but give some respect to the infrastructure. Take a glance at it. Make sure a fucking tarantula isn't chillin' on the seat. Honestly, if I have a daughter, I'm telling her a made up story about how a girl didn't look at the toilet before sitting down and she didn't see the 12 pounds of C4 on it and exploded. #ProudFather

I love you guys, but this is WITHOUT A DOUBT the most absurd female social trait that exists. Watch the toilet, you guys.

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