Monday, December 10, 2012

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Injuries That You Just Don't Get Anymore

So last night I burned my finger while ironing my work clothes. As pure of a disaster as anything could possibly be. While I did wanted to cry, I was completely fine amputating my finger with a butter knife right on the spot. Then as the dust settled, I thought, "I honestly haven't been burned in like 15 years. This is terrifying." And then it made me think about injuries that twentysomethings straight up don't get anymore.

1) Burns
As indicated by that 9th degree burn on my finger, burns are no joke. You can basically see my bone marrow. Frankly it's amazing that I'm able to type right now. But yeah, who gets burned anymore? Assholes that still iron? Check. What else is there? I think the only things that qualify are unruly toaster ovens and tampered-with oven-mitt nightmares. Either way, I can't foresee myself getting a minor burn for the next 20 years.

2) A Regular Cut That Needs A Band-Aid
-Any cut that I get these days is just there. Sure there are a couple uncomfortable showers where you avoid trying to get soap on the spot, but all in all, it's left unattended roughly 100% of the time. You honestly think I OWN Band-Aids? Lolwut? The EXTENT of all injuries I get range from: small paper cut to kinda big paper cut. If I'm not there to get these spreadsheets out of the printer, who will?

3) A Splinter
-If you're getting splinters in 2012, you have a very serious problem. Either you're handling an unruly 2x4 or you're sitting on a sketchy park bench with some sad fabric on your jeans. You should be doing neither of those things. Also, I'm convinced that I still have some splinters in me from like '93. Shits got lodged so far into my blood stream that they just connected with my DNA and what not.

4) Stung By A Bee
Personally, I've never been stung in my life, but I know plenty of idiots that were. Using my guile, wit and just the right amount of bitchassness, I was able to evade bees for the younger portion of my life. Most of my friends weren't as lucky. But nowadays bees just don't exist anymore. Almost unsure if they even existed in the first place. If my calculations are correct, we don't have to fear getting stung by these fictitious creatures until our asshole kids start being idiots.

PS. Takes a lot of guts for a man to post a picture of his finger. I've posted plenty of pictures of my face, but it took the most courage I have ever had to muster to put my finger up. Too wrinkly? Crusty? I don't know and please don't tell me.

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