Six-Figure Income For The Dude That Can Crank That Aflac Duck

And by "crank that" I mean whoever can be the new voice for the duck. Apparently (obviously) Gilbert Gottfried made some tasteless tweets about the tsunami and that'll get you fired. No quicker way to get the pink slip than tweet insensitive shit (on that note follow us on twitter at @WMsDiary). Who knew that dude was still alive anyway?

But yeah, apparently Gottfried opened up a 100k job to portray a loudmouth duck. If there were ever a job I was suited for that wasn't what I actually do or authoring the most hilarious blog ever, it would be to voice the Aflac duck. My voice can hit that distinct annoying twang that could inspire people to immediately purchase insurance.

My life goals are becoming scarce and more depressing.

The "Every 15 Minutes" Drunk Driving Demonstration Is A Little Intense

Another situation where law enforcement just takes the term "kick it up a notch" to the extreme. Cops crushing the idea of a "notch." Let me explain "Every 15 Minutes" to you guys for a sec.

Basically, your entire day is just ruined due to the fact that you have to REALLY reenact the deaths of classmates throughout the day. They take kids out of school to a made up disaster scene where one of their classmates is depicted as just getting in a car accident due to texting, drinking, or some stupid teenage stereotype. Upon hearing that, that's pretty extreme, but no..they don't stop there. They send minimum wage workers to dress up as the grim reaper to pull kids out of class, and they are dead for the day. They proceed to walk around the rest of the day with "dead masks", which essentially means you can't use your cell-phone or go to lunch with your classmates. And there's your fucking Wednesday. Dead as shit, missing crucial texts from your main bitty from astronomy. Seriously what?

First of all, if I were a criminal, I'd rob and pillage so many stores during this 15 minutes jazz. You literally have a time limit. So easy. But yeah, there is no estimation for how pissed I'd be if I got pulled out of a pizza party because I was determined "dead." I'd probably cry or some shit. Really break down in a completely unexpected manner. Crying like a bitch with a dead mask on while the grim reaper escorts me out. Principal reading my texts. Not a good look.

Super Smash Bros Is Ruining My Life

This post had to come sooner or later. Why? Because my roommates and I simply can't put the sticks down when it comes to N64's Super Smash Brothers. Some people are addicted to drugs, alcohol, you name it...but this game is certainly the #1 activity bringing us down in our everyday lives.

You know, it's bad when you start looking up youtube videos for tips after a tough loss to cap a long Tuesday night.  It's even worse to know that Co-blogger Dub J will be cringing at the fact that I posted Kirby (my character of choice) straight dominating the rest of the field. He might even pull the CEO card and delete this before I can check if I racked up a few funnies or informationals in the a.m.

But the harsh reality of it all is in about 40 minutes I'll be 24 years old. My birthday will only be complete with a couple W's on the Smash court...those victories won't come easy and tragically it's already factored into how I'll be spending my time tomorrow. Is Smash Bros just a game keeping us young at heart...or is it an embarrassingly epic battle we fight within ourselves knowing that eventually the controllers will have to be set down...Judge me all you want. Time to rest up and win some games on my big day.

EDITORS NOTE: Happy Birthday Craw?

Shout Out (But Not Really A Shout Out) To The Dude That Checked Out WMD Through The Wii

First off, I don't even know what to do when I get to screens like this on the Wii. I just put the controller down or get frustrated and accidentally open up that shit where you create your characters. You can literally get lost in that section. Like where should my eyebrows be on this cute little bobble-headed videogame character. The real issue is you dude. I checked the ol' blog stats and low and behold someone peeped us through the Wii. Thanks for reading presumably 12 year old boy, but is the Wii really your only option to attain the hilariousness of WMD.

Where's your laptop? Ipad? Cellphone? Come on man. I'm not yelling at you, I'm just a little concerned. And a little confused. Am I missing the boat here? Is the Wii the hip, go-to way to access the internet these days? Having my little bobble-headed dude with perfect eyebrows interactively creep on other bobble-headed bitches on Wii Facebook does sound more appealing then sitting in silence with my laptop.

Wherever you are man, fire up your Wii, hit me up at workingmansdiary@gmail.com and you can tell me all about it.

At This Point It's OK To Ask: Chad Pennington Or A Large Bowl Of Jello

or

^keep in mind, they're pretty much the same thing at this point.

Theres no doubt in my mind that Chad Pennington not only tore his ACL playing basketball, but tore his ACL shooting around (insert link). Garden variety shooty hoops. Dude has the wobbliest limbs in the game right now. Gust of wind—torn shoulder, a small baby lets out a sneeze—ACLs ripped to shreds. It’s so fucking sad. And I’m a Chad fan too.

As a big time Jets fan, I put the hope of the organization into the golden accuracy of Chad’s arm. Tuning in Sunday after Sunday watching #10 throw 15 yard strikes and cringing anytime I saw a receiver open deep. I jumped in the game as a Jets fan around the end of the Testaverde era and saw the emergence of one of the weakest arms to ever dominate the game. Frankly, I miss him and am pained every time (it’s become a yearly occurrence) he tears some significant muscle in his body.

To answer the question though, I’d rather have a large bowl of Jello run the Jets offense in 2004, but would much rather a Chad Pennington controlling the 2010 offense. The Jello could have been a pseudo-game manager that would have ensured us the top 2 pick in the draft we so desperately needed.

thanks John for the EMAIL tip.

If This Was 18 Years Ago, I Would Have Literally Passed Out In My Own Throw Up If I Saw This

5 year old Dub Jeezy just covered in his own vomit, unconscious in the middle of the floor. That's the scene at my house if every fucking Power Ranger that ever existed was just warring Lord of the Rings style on these suped-up Putties.

I lost connection with the rangers after Power Rangers Zeo. I was able to deal with the unexpected change when they re-upped and added hotter girls, but shit started to get weird with Power Rangers in Space and Jungle Power Rangers. I was 100% out, but I definitely appreciated what the original did for me. Made me fight like every kid in Kindergarten. Rocked like a 4-18 record. Just didn't expect that retaliation blow, you know?

PS. What the FUCK was the deal with Beetleborgs?

No Debate: Dave Winfield Was The Greatest Athlete Of All-Time

Yeah, I'm surprised too. Dude looks like my dad at my graduation. Gray suit and a distinct "I really don't want to be here" look on his face. Was my dad the greatest athlete ever? Digression.

Seriously though, my boy Dave up here got fucking drafted by the Minnesota Vikings in the NFL with no discernible football experience. They had to check his Pop Warner VHS's to get confirmation that he even knew how to play the game. He got drafted by not one professional basketball team, but two. The NBA and ABA were playing tug of war with my dad up here. He was essentially the hope of two professional sports leagues. I'm flabbergasted. I thought it was a known fact that Bo Jackson ran the show, but Dave "Papa Bear on my graduation day" Winfield just snuck up and took the title right under him. Oh, he settled on Baseball at the end of the day. Ho hum, crushed it and got inducted into the hall of fame.

Guess the genes don't really fall down from my fake dad. 4 sport pro athletes rarely translate to a decent blogger kids.

PS. Charlie Ward is a dangerously close second. Won the Arthur Ashe Amateur Tennis Award.

There's A Really Old Dude In My Office

Say hi to him everyday and immediately follow up with a "how are you?"--dude has yet to respond. I know he won't answer, and frankly I'm not really pumped to hear what his answer may be. Probably something about back pain or denture problems. Depressing shit that I'm not trying to hear at 9am when I'm still young and limber.

Here's the deal, I don't know if he even works in my office, but he has an office. Stay with me. He's THAT old I think he may have wandered up into a room and just kind of made a home there. Pretty sure everyone's just scared to tell him to get out. It's like a bird building a nest in the back of your porch or something. You're not telling it to leave but you'd rather it not there. Every time that mystery office door closes I'm scared to leave him. When you're that old you should have your door open at all times in case, you know. I'm not trying to age discriminate here, but I'm totally age discriminating on this geezer.

Job Description: tell tons of pointless stories, try to pinch cheeks, ask questions about everything technology, avoid dying. Just an annoying bird in the porch.

Something Really Exciting About The Number "1,000"

 

"Conor Oberst Gets Mad At Freebird Guy" by G   :P

So in case you didn't know, I am a concert whore... not like a groupie who is a literal whore, but as in I love going to shows, love live music, spend absurd amounts of money on seeing all my favorite bands. You could call me a hipster, but it would have to be just musically since I don't have a pair of nerd glasses or Converse shoes and am just plainly, not cool enough. Point in case: I still wore Uggs and a Northface all winter. 

But anyway, I love taking pictures and videos at the shows and throwing them up on my Youtube channel, and this video is particularly great because it's at 1,000+ views right now. (And there is just something about 1,000 whether it be WMD posts or Youtube views that just feels AWESOME) It's Conor Oberst, the lead singer of Bright Eyes, getting really overly riled up at this asshole in the balcony who kept yelling "Freebird" the whole show. I mean, yes, I wouldn't have objected to someone throwing Freebird guy off the balcony into the non-moshing crowd, but still, relax Conor. Have some candy, watch a movie, bang someone... but whatever you need to do, just CHILL. You're a rockstar who has the House of Blues packed for you, he's a drunk fool who is going home alone. It's all about perspective, Conor. You are doing OKAY.

So I Both Love and Hate Zombies...

 

When I was home in Scranton (reminder: "genetic cesspool") recently, Lil Bro and I were both chilling on some random night and he convinced me (this took about 3 seconds) to settle in for a night of drinking and watching a full season of "The Walking Dead." AMC (who also came out with Mad Men) took a crazy leap by making an actual show centered around a horror movie theme: zombie apocalypse. The pilot season was only 6 episodes long because no one knew if the public could handle the gore.

Turns out, they could. The show is awesome. (Unless you're my mom, who kept coming in and asking if we were done watching the "mummies" yet) While the first episode had me practically crying in terror at some of the creepiest images I've ever seen,  the finale had me literally crying because it was SO GOOD. 

So, I'll just say it. I love this show. I love scary movies in general, and definitely every zombie movie ever made (Even that really weird one with John Leguizamo). But the problem is I'm absolutely terrified of them immediately after I'm done watching. So basically now that they're coming out with a new full season, I'll be freaking out watching every episode, and then not sleeping one night a week because I'm too scared of a sudden zombie attack. (This is a whole new level from my old occasional one night of lost sleep if I watched a scary movie.) And thus continues my life as a mature, responsible, independent adult who is legitimately scared of zombies.