Questions You Thought You Can Answer, But Actually Can't Without Google #5: WHAT IS BUTTER?

-My President is Butter, my lambo is blue

"OMG, Dub, how can you NOT know what butter is? Such an idiot!"-a majority of the people that are reading this.

Upon initial thought, butter is only a known commodity in our lives. It's just there. It's existence is unquestioned, relatively unknown, and pretty much not cared about. But as I was enjoying a buttered roll today, I thought to myself, "What the fuck IS butter?" Then I sat dumbfounded for like 15 minutes, not Googling, and confused.

Here's what I know about butter:

-It's a dairy product, which means a DIRECT association with milk.
-That narrows it down to roughly 1 billion things
-Butter isn't milk, cheese, whipped cream, or yogurt
-But it has a yellow hue much like cheese
-The word "churn" is thrown around a lot when butter is discussed
-I don' think a human has churned anything since 1835

Clearly, I'm almost there. It's like I'm figuratively riding a bike without training wheels, but I still need Dad to balance me to make sure I don't fall.

Google, tell me what butter is please:

"Butter is a dairy product made by churning fresh or fermented cream or milk. It is generally used as a spread and a condiment, as well as in cooking, such as baking, sauce making, and pan frying. Butter consists of butterfat, milk proteins and water."

That was the most Inception'd answer of all time. Butter is made from "Butterfat"?! How can you have butterfat before you have butter?! That's lazy, wordmakers. So people and machines are still out here churning milk in these streets, huh? Crazy world.

Butter has a newfound respect from me. It requires hard feudal-aged human/robot work and it makes everything infinitely better. Bread wouldn't have a place in this world without butter. And all our shit would stick to the pan when we cooked. Shout out to butter, ya'll.

Things They JUST Found Out: Blowing On Nintendo Cartridges Was Bad

First off, I have no fucking clue what that second picture means, at all. Secondly, "Daily Blow" and "No Abuse" could have been termed a little differently. Thirdly, Smash Brothers.

Let's brush aside the fact that this study was released a smooth 12 years after the last cartridge was ever blown and think about how preposterous this shit is. Games didn't work, we blew them and they worked. Simple as that. Don't need beakers and Bunsen burners to figure that out. Sure there were more extreme methods, but blowing it got it done at least 85% of the time (I've never been more confident in a completely made-up percentage).

Did those scientist know about the "alignment" trick? I bet that wasn't in the lab report. You remember when games wouldn't work unless you angled the cartridge in correctly? Pretty sure Donkey Kong was straight up broken unless it was at a 177 degree angle. Eff what you heard, science is stupid.

FYI, "Extreme Methods" included:

-licking your finger and dusting the cartridge yourself

-involving rubbing alcohol for no reason

-asking Mom to buy Q-Tips

-crying until things fixed themselves

Is It Bad That I Don't Want The Brooklyn Nets To Succeed Because Of These Two Pictures?

Exhibit A:

-Yes, that's Shawn Carter laying on the ground in post-break-dance pose.

-Dude's worth 500 MILLION dollars and he's laying on a dusty ass floor wearing tongue floppin' Timbs like it's 1999.

-Cocky office

-If they lose every single game, we'll get to see the gravy face on permanent expression:

-Upset that he has Beyonce

Exhibit B:

-Bey infected the fashion design team with a hoochtastic disease

-These bitches look like confused zebras

-Pre-pubescent boys will have no idea who Deron Williams is, but will know the entire cheerleading roster.

-Jerry Stackhouse is pushing 38 years old. Prime heart attack age.

-Within 2 months, Andray Blatche is going to take half the cheerleaders and start a strip club that serves a "Steak and Shake" steak and lapdance special for $21.99.

Hope all ya'll tear your MCL.

7-Up And Duck-Duck-Goose Were Social Decision Makers

(I guess 7-Up was a black game?)

Were you a cool kid? I bet we'd all like to say yes, but there was no set way to determine whether or not you were a respected individual. Sure you could have been smart, funny, and athletic, but nothing set the bar for cool more definitively than 7-Up and Duck-Duck-Goose.

No one wanted to be the kid left assed-out in the middle of the war zone that was 7-Up. Seeing everyone giggle and make jokes at the end was the worst feeling when you slowly thought to yourself, "Was I the only one that didn't get his thumb tapped?" Obviously you can play the "I was sleep, I wouldn't have felt it anyway" card, but that's just desperate and sad. It just means you have to go home, work on picking up social cues/norms and get 'em next time. A young Dub J saw both sides. Sometimes I was always picked and ran the show like a the cool kid in a Disney movie. Other times I had the coldest, most unattended to thumb in the room. Faked many a nap during the thumb tap drought of '95. If your kid isn't getting picked in 7-Up by the 5th grade, you may have a dud.

Duck-Duck-Goose was basically a game of "Do I like you?", "Do I really know you?", and "Do I hate you?" Nothing more, nothing less. If people liked you, they picked you and everyone had a blast. You never picked anyone you didn't know because you can't run the risk of picking a loose cannon or an impossibly clumsy kid. And sometimes you picked people you hated because you knew they hated running and were too slow to catch anyone. Again, I have been in all 3 spots. As a liked individual, you pick your best friends and chicks you had crushes on--it was as solid a time as a youth could have for 10 minutes. When I wasn't known, it was just a roll of the dice. If I got picked, an olive branch of friendship and interaction was extended and if I wasn't I'd complain to my mom that everyone hated me. And lastly, if I was hated, DDG could easily turn into a fight. When the wrong person picks you at the wrong time and you collide, fists could very well be thrown. I'm like 3-2 in DDG related fights. Some embarrassing Ls.

This blog may have been completely obvious to most of you, but if I could let just one person out there know they were the class weirdo, uncool pariah when they thought they were the shit, I did my job.

WHAT? HOW? NO? WHERE?! GOD WHY?!

^Fuck the UK Pig Group

The Mayans won. Santa Claus isn't real. The moon landing was fake. And no one's cat/dog ever mysteriously ran away. They died.

Nothing is right anymore, bacon has been compromised. How are their still the same amount of pigs, but less bacon?! Things aren't even trying to make sense right now. Farmers don't feel like herding? Well, shit, I don't feel like blogging right now and you don't see business plummeting over here.

What becomes of bacon cheeseburgers? Do we have to sell all of our stock in omelettes? So many depressing ass questions and all I can do is seethe in my own thoughts.

If any of you suggest "turkey" bacon, find the nearest roof and leap off.

Babies Aren't So Bad After All

Once you get past the lack of sleep, constant contact with poop and urine, random crying, spontaneous vomiting, no quality time with your significant other and utter hatred of people without kids, babies aren't too terrible.

Most of the time they're cute and give you an entirely new sense of responsibility. Add in the fact that you can use them to mop up your mess and their value has increased nearly ten-fold. I mean, they crawl around all day anyway, right? Why not have them learn work ethic and responsibility literally from day one?

I know what you're thinking: Germs. And my response is: Do you see that baller-ass suit this chubby Asian baby has on? That shit just screams hypo-allergenic. Spill all the red wine and apple juice you want now that you have a live-action liquid Roomba in your house.

...Just kidding, this looks like baby slavery. Which is adorably/hilariously cruel.

I Think Everyone Is Afraid To Talk About Google Chrome's "Incognito Mode"

Fellow creepers, derelicts, and degenerates, I apologize, but something has to be said.

When the word "trace" is used during standard internet browsing you know something is terribly, terribly wrong. As a proud user of Incognito Mode, I can confidently say that it is used for nothing good. You don't check your bank account in Incognito Mode. You don't go on CNN or MSNBC. Hell, I don't even know if you go on Facebook. It's strictly for the times you want to "get weird."

As an aging creeper, I don't really have much in my repertoire as far sketchy shit goes. I usually keep it simple with the obvious "I'm a dude and alone in my room" past-time and LinkedIn, strictly because of that "These People Looked At Your Profile" feature. I need to move in silence when I judge people's career path. I'm sure some of you readers have tested even murkier waters. I'm not telling you to tell me about them in the comments (certainly encouraged), but I am letting you know that the world is on to you (us?). The jig is up. Buy a one-way ticket to Iceland and buy an IBM ThinkPad from 2002.

This guy:

Says everything that needs to be said about Incognito Mode.

The Apple Maps App Has Gamechanging Accuracy

Did Apple do it again? I think they did. It's like Stevie Jobs Thriller'd his way into the the Apple offices, pushed a few buttons and BAM, super-accurate maps.

Hoover Dam:

Ah, the infamous "Death Dip" at the Hoover Dam. No greater landmark than the 3000ft drop you experience while sightseeing out the minivan window. Apple captured it wonderfully.

The Eiffel Tower:

What everyone forgets to realize is that the Eiffel Tower isn't actually a tower...and it's located near a strip mall and a lot of wind turbines. Once you get past those things, it's all romance, proposals and high society living.

Toronto Airport Looks Good:

Winding, loopy, bumpy, vomit-inducing airport runways is apparently what's hot in Toronto. Looks like the city planner got hopped up on Jamison and amphetamines, played Sim City 3000, copied and pasted that, shouted "YOLO!", and presented this to management. Looks good.

Which Map is Right?

Obviously the Apple Map telling you to turn directly into a restaurant window is right. Duh.

If you're not running into walls and putting yourself in mortal danger with super-fast browsing speeds, you probably didn't download iOS6.

Guys, Which One Sucks More?

The Unusable Pencil:

-No worse feeling in middle school then sharpening your pencil and seeing one half lead, one half wood. The most annoying conundrum to ever afflict an 11 year old. Do I use my finger to brush that excess wood down or do I just tell Mom to stop with the cheap shit and buy some Papermate mechanical pencils?

Perforated Line Disaster:

We've all been here. Fun fact, I did this with my SAT. Just fucked it up right off the bat. Should have received a zero on the spot because "tearing the test" is essentially Question 1. All in all, I persevered and became a successful blogger with tons of fake internet money and a bright future.

THIS THING:

I would throw 4 pairs of shoes in this thing's direction and if I found out that it wasn't killed I'd have to take some extreme measures. Leave the house, burn the house, rip my Social Security Card, buy a ticket to the Dominican Republic, open a Frozen Yogurt shop and forget about my past life.

There's a Little Left:

A test of human will. You know that you're straight up out of toothpaste, but you will break your wrist to get just a little sliver. That sliver won't be enough to clean your teeth, but dammit, you won. You survived another day without plague, gingivitis, but you know your breath is still disgusting. Willpower. Humanity. Spirit.

That bug is fucking terrifying. 1046 legs is never the move.

Thanks to Holy Taco.

Anyone Else Have The Urge To Discuss Pokemon Red/Blue In Detail?

^without a doubt, one of the most important songs of my life

Pokemon thoughts. Add yours in the comments

-Magikarp was about that life

Couldn't see forward, didn't care. He still jumped into battle, took a LEGITIMATE ass-whooping, splashed around a bit and collected his experience points like a blue collar worker. Didn't complain once. A level 70 Charizard ain't no thing when you're mildly retarded and don't understand why you exist.

-How were Pokemon able to have conversations when they could only say their names?

Never made sense to me. Two Pikachus could talk for like 45 minutes saying only the word, "Pikachu." If that's the case, there had to be at least 100,000 inflections, pronunciations, and volumes of that damn word.

-Did anyone try to beat the game with a bunch of wack-ass Pokemon?

Did anyone march out a squad of Rattata, Metapod, Lickitung, Jynx, Tauros, Ditto, Eggsecute, and Nidoran ♂? Just a trash ass squad that lost most of the matches they participated in with the least creative attacks. Lickitung weirding everyone out, Rattata tail-whipping foes until they threw up on themselves and Metapod getting hard as a motherfucker. It'd be a privilege to lose to "The Replacements" of the Pokemon world.

-I lost to Gary in that first match one time

Never admitted this until today. You know that first match where you are automatically set to win? Yeah, I lost that. One time I messed around and decided to use "Leer" instead of tackle two times in a row. Got cocky and felt the burn.

-Remember battling people with the link cable?

Went to school with my velcro wallet that had no money in it, a single key that didn't open any door in my house, my lunch bag and my link cable. I once went 10-0 in one day and had the "Juice" for a little while.

-Jynx was a racially insensitive, black-transvestite prostitute

-I walked around the Casino and pressed A at least 100,000 times.

You know what I'm talking about

-Misty though?

-Safari Zone
Sometimes you have to charge it to the game and throw the Master Ball at a Tauros. Caught Mewtwo with a Great Ball. #Swerve

-I watched this video "researching" for this blog



.....I fully understand that if you didn't like Pokemon, you will probably never read this blog again.