Tuesday, April 30, 2013

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So I Have To Create A Match.Com Profile And Make Martha Stewart My Sugar Mama, Right?

Before I dive in, have to drop a big "I'm sorry" to the girlfriend, but I have to do this.  It's Martha Stewart.  It's white Oprah!  Now excuse me while I spit the illest of game in Marth's grill.  I call her Marth because we already have a connection.  Through the internet.

Grade-A, #1, Guaranteed Plan to Win Marth's Heart:

1)  Make a joke about the "Wink for free" button
- "Girl, there is no dollar amount that can equal winking at you."  ; )

2)  Small talk her into submission
- "No Martha, I've never heard of you, silly.  Stop asking me that."  *Birdman hand rub*

3)  Find a common-ground
- "What fool would divorce you?  You're very beautiful and it's pretty evident that you work out, so that's just plain poppycock."

4)  Make her feel comfortable about the age difference
- "If you didn't list your age, I'd guess 39-43."

5)  Disarm her with charm and humor
- "HA! I'm a social drinker only when I'm not drunk.  Am I right?!"

6)  Invite her to something she likes to do based on her interests
-  "I saw some soil around my apartment, wanna plant something?"

7) To the victor goes the spoils
- "Honey, I can put this Playstation 4 on your credit card, right?  Thanks!  And yes, Working Man's Diary IS my job, you know that.  Silly goose"

Done and done.  I'll be hanging with Jay-Z and Bono by the end of June.

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