Wednesday, June 27, 2012

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Questions You Thought You Can Answer, But Actually Can't Without Google #3: "What Does It Mean When A Woman's Water Breaks?"

This may be a bold claim, but I think the entire concept/phrasing of a woman's "water breaking" is the least explained phenomenon in the history of modern society. Like I know more about the Bermuda Triangle than I do about what water-breaking means. Is there water involved? Who cleans that shit up? Prior to the water breaking, was the baby submerged in water?!

I took high school biology, I certainly have a basic knowledge of the reproductive process. Whatchu know about zygotes, blastospheres, and trimesters, homie? But with that extensive gross ass birth vocab, comes a complete lack of knowledge of certain key elements. When they showed the "birth" video in bio, I closed my eyes, covered my ears, and thought about shooting free throws. Result being me having zero knowledge how babies are actually born aside from textbook diagrams. Water breaking is a whole 'nother monster entirely. It's unexpected, wet, gross, inconvenient and gross. Like, honey, let me place a towel on the seat before we drive to the hospital before I have to get this thing steam cleaned with bleach and hydrochloric acid. I know a sac is involved and at the risk of sounding completely foolish, I'll go so over the top with my explanation that you won't know if I'm joking or not. Water breaking=baby is ready to come out, cuts some sort of cord, sac drops, bursts, dad is getting screamed at and Pepe the janitor has to bring his mop and some Mr. Clean to take care of the mess.

(Real definition from

"Water Breaking During Pregnancy — What It Is
The breaking of the amniotic sac, and the gush that follows, signaling that your baby is getting ready to be born.

Water Breaking During Pregnancy — What Causes It
No one knows for sure what starts the chemical chain reaction that begins labor, but experts point to a number of complicated factors, including brain signals from the fetus. ("Ready or not, here I come, Mom!")"

Well if you didn't throw up 14 times reading that, I commend you. I was puking shortly after the word "gush" was presented and then later on when the fetus says, "Ready or not."

It goes without saying that I'm going to faint and be mentally absent from the moment the water breaks and my kid gets born.

3 Reactions to this post

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  1. Anonymous said... June 27, 2012 at 10:43 PM

    What happens when your "balls drop?" seriously had to look this one up yesterday

  2. Anonymous said... June 28, 2012 at 8:35 AM

    What's good with a platypus?

  3. Annie said... June 28, 2012 at 5:39 PM

    Hm, a very good question, u made me think of these breaking waters for the first time in my life.

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