Wednesday, June 20, 2012

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Questions You Thought You Can Answer, But Actually Can't Without Google #2: "What's The Deal With Bath Salts?"



I've never been more happy to be born in the 80s than I have been recently. I experienced life without the internet, cell phones, dub-step, and exotic drugs. Now it's Facebook this, Twitter that, "I Instagrammed my balls!", listened to Avicii, and fucking tripped on Molly. And now the hottest drug on the market today is something your grandma uses in the bathtub to make her feet feel better and causes people to turn into naked zombies. I think.

I want a zombie apocalypse so bad..but not like this. I don't want naked dudes eating homeless guy's faces. I don't want the "cause" to be molecularly similar to something I put on my French Fries. What happened to the "freak accident" in a secluded lab somewhere? This shit's wack as hell. Paranoid, delusional, suicidal monsters with high-blood pressure induced chest pains are roaming about chewing on people's noses and they are not giving two fucks about eating brains. Want the best way to beat these new age, angsty zombies with emotional issues? Tell them they won't amount to anything and that their parents are disappointed in them. They'll probably start crying and try to eat their own noses.

What's Google have to say about bath salts?: (WebMD)

"It’s confusing. Is this what we put in our bathtubs, like Epsom salts? No. But by marketing them as bath salts and labeling them 'not for human consumption,' they have been able to avoid them being specifically enumerated as illegal."

"Agitation, paranoia, hallucinations, chest pain, suicidality. It’s a very scary stimulant that is out there. We get high blood pressure and increased pulse, but there’s something more, something different that’s causing these other extreme effects. But right now, there’s no test to pick up this drug. The only way we know if someone has taken them is if they tell you they have."

If you don't think I'm going to whisper "I'm on bath salts" to people I don't know at the bar, you're outside your mind. This shit might be the new whoopie cushion in the prank world. Ok, guess I was wrong on the epsom salt thing, but damn if "there's something more, something different that's causing these other extreme effects" didn't wreak of zombie.

Leave it to the younger generation to somehow fuck the concept of zombies up.

4 Reactions to this post

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  1. Anonymous said... June 20, 2012 at 11:34 PM

    http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/06/04/cdc-to-america-there-is-no-zombie-apocalypse/

  2. Anonymous said... June 20, 2012 at 11:34 PM

    Is it weird that the CDC had to make that announcement?

  3. Dub Jeezy said... June 21, 2012 at 10:46 AM

    I've been playing Resident Evil for the past 2 weeks trying to prepare myself for the inevitable

  4. Anonymous said... June 21, 2012 at 1:00 PM

    I am a frequent reader of your blog and I have to admit that I do bath salts regularly. They are quite fun, and although they do have suicidal side effects.. I feel as though I am already suicidal as it is (you once told me to commit suicide on here btw). It is pretty fun to do if you are rebellious and ready to fuc with the majority of people who are terrified of them. I am bath salts right now to be honest with you. I cannot feel my arms as I type this.


    -John Saunders

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