Monday, June 25, 2012

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I Don't Think I Can Drink Anymore


^this pic was so weird and irrelevant I had no choice but to use it.

I knew this moment would come, but I didn't think it would be this soon...

Remember when you were just a kid and were able to drink more than four beers and drink hard alcohol without being declared legally dead the next day? Seemed like a short time ago I was able to hold my breath and do five shots in a row. Now the mere thought/typing this makes me feel embarrassingly ill. At this rate, by 25 I'm going to be that guy that gets rowdy and uncomfortable to be around after a wine cooler.

A couple questions have obviously popped up: 1) What the fuck happened? and 2) How do I repair this issue?

Question 1 is a legitimate mystery. I hit a few open bars over the past couple of months and I could have sworn I got hit my a bus and had all my organs removed, covered in dirt, and put back inside of me again. Miserable. Back in the day I used to be able to brush off nasty hangovers by sleeping until 2pm and eating a breakfast sandwich. Now I wake up right at the crack of ass, half-way blacked out, unable to fall back asleep and confused at whether I should eat or vomit. My only theory is that my liver quit as soon as I got my diploma. If that's the case, I can't do anything but respect it.

Question 2: The main issue is winning my liver back. That shit broke up with me in 2009 and I've been that creepy ex that keeps trying to rekindle the flame. Coming in like, "Hey baby, I'm sorry, only 3 drinks tonight, I swear" and after 15 drinks gets real weird and emotional. I've been brainstorming some pretty shitty ideas for the better part of 10 minutes and the best/stupidest one that came to me was that I should drink a little every night. Maybe crack open a bottle of red to enjoy with the dinner I can't make because our oven had a gas leak that hasn't been addressed. I don't know. I just want my liver back.

There you have it, folks. My internal organs are aging like Robin Williams in "Jack." Plus, I'm almost positive I have rheumatoid arthiritis or degenerative knee syndrome.

24 is the new 78.

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  1. Anonymous said... June 26, 2012 at 9:06 PM

    Funny

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