Monday, February 8, 2010

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WTF Movie Of The Week

--oh please's resistible.

^(By saying this is the “WTF Movie Of The Week” I imply that I will be doing this every week. I won’t, I’m too lazy and forgetful, like a chubby puppy.)

Air Bud. What the eff guys?! How did this movie slip through the cracks? I need to give my dad a call and thank the shit out of him for sitting through this with me when I was little. He must have hated every second of that experience. It’s like bizarro world in this movie where nothing makes sense and rules aren’t recognized, kind of like Mexico.

Welcome to Smalltown, USA, where a shitty basketball middle school is the setting. Insert lonely kid with heart of gold as the title character. While shooting hoops outside, said kid just stumbles on the fact that, “Oh my dog can make it rain, that’s weird. I’ll ask coach if he can try out for the squad.” Coach pulls the ol’ “I dunno, I better check the rule book” thing, the league commish comes in and can’t find a rule against it, Bud makes the squad. Dog proceeds to drop 37 a game, break the all time basketball record of allowed travels without a whistle, improve the spirit of Smalltown, USA, steal Michael Jordan’s nickname, and get looks from Coach K. and Tom Izzo (I just made that up, but they’re scoundrels and wouldn’t be above signing a dog).

Snap back to reality. What the HELL is going on? No thumbs on a dog, not one. Same amount of hind legs. Crippling colorblindness. Lack of ability to reason. The list goes on and on. Dude’s got intangibles. You can’t teach that. If that wasn’t enough, Bud is also an all-state wide-out and shortstop. Is this dog just rolling in dimes, cocaine, and Escalades? The movie didn’t even try to look into the recruiting this dog underwent, his anxiety issues, his inevitable drug problem, his distrust/mistreatment of women (calling them “bitches” all the time—Get it? It was a smart joke), and lack of commitment to the team concept. Forget “The U” ESPN. I want a 30 for 30 on Air Bud. Where is he now? Dominating the NBDL, CFL, and the minors? Or is he balls deep in a pile of coke somewhere wondering what could have been?

Now that’s a movie dad and I can see.

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