Friday, January 15, 2010

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Yellow Candy Grinds My Gears

Name me a yellow flavored candy that you legitimately enjoy. Go on, keep thinking. You couldn’t name one could you? You did? Well you sir/madam are you god damn liar because there is no such candy. Yellow flavors are always in the bottom three of any candy. Because I crush candy all day, I’ve become nothing short of an expert on all things high fructose. Starbursts—a true mainstay in the popular candy world is ruined by the yellow, supposedly “lemon” flavor. Why try to recreate a sour fruit into candy? If I can quote the great Dr. Dre here and say, “It’s not worth it to risk it.”

The lemon flavor single handedly killed the Warheads franchise. Yes, you remember Warheads. They were those devilish little sour treats that were borderline dangerous. I remember seeing a kid in 6th grade break into tears because he had 5 in his mouth at once. No joke my friends. I also remember kids just straight up throwing the lemon (yellow) ones away right when they opened a pack because if you mistakenly had a yellow warhead touch your tongue you can mark that day as over. Great franchise ruined by yellow candy.

I’m not saying lemon is the only culprit. Banana tries to get in on the act as well. What the hell were you thinking Runts?! You can’t advance from the quarter candy machine with that type of selling tactic. I’ve seen pineapple attempted and failed on a few occasions as well. Only the truly reputable companies make an attempt at the pineapple because it can go bad real fast. Jelly Belly is basically taking on all challengers in candy’s version of a pissing contest. So we have lemons, bananas, and pineapples. The pissest of poor choices for candy flavors. Gummy bears have the right idea. Because I have eaten at least 9 packs today I can safely say that there have been a total of 8 yellow bears total.

Is it 6 o’clock yet? I’m clearly losing my mind. Have a good weekend.

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