Wednesday, February 15, 2012

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Relearning How To Tie My Shoes


VS


As a 24 year old male in 2012, I think it's about time that I reevaluated my shoe-tying methods.

I was tying my shoes in the elevator today and I felt like a spotlight was on me. Four grown ass people were staring at me thinking, "Now what method of shoe tying is this kid going with?" Needless to say, I went bunny ears because that's all I know how to do and let me tell you, the judgmental looks came out. They were SO disappointed in me, like they honestly expected me to have more shoelace-related tricks up my sleeve. So obviously I've been thinking about it all day and getting super self-conscious about my life and my societal standing.

When we were little we were presented with two shoe-tying options: the bunny ears and the loop, swoop, and pull, right? One method was extremely easy and the other infinitely difficult, but both came to the same result, a tied fucking shoe. I honestly can't tell you how, but some kids emerged from the wreckage with the ability to tie shoes both ways. They 300% should have gone straight to Harvard and simultaneously worked at NASA, because that's outrageous. What I didn't understand was, why some kids learned bunny style and others learned swoop. Gun to your head, if you're presented with these two math problems to save your life: (2+2=__ ) or (8573 x 450(4^99)/.6 ) which would you pick? That's basically the choice kindergarten presented. Now I'm left looking like an immature asshole making funny rabbit ears on my feet while everyone and their mother is loop, swoop, and pulling.

So in order to "catch up" to society, I will begin to ween myself off the bunny-ears and feverishly watch Youtube videos taught by 8-12 year olds on how to loop, swoop, and pull. A grim day indeed.

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  1. Anonymous said... February 15, 2012 at 8:31 PM

    I thought everyone did it this "loop swoop pull" way. I've never known any other method. I just tried going bunny ears and shit just wouldn't work, so maybe you can feel a little bit better now.

  2. Mike Watson said... March 1, 2012 at 1:52 AM

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